Look for blessings in everything

As I continue in my healing, I aspire to be positive.

Many years ago, I was consulting a wonderful chiropractor who eventually loaned me his copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin P Seligman.  I read it feverishly, hoping to find some way to gain this elusive thing called optimism as I had the distinct impression I was a pessimist and that seemed ghastly to me so I wanted to change, probably silently hoping that if I changed that, someone might like me.  I was a mess.

As I read this book, I marvelled at how anyone could be so positive.  I mean, I could not fathom at all, how it was possible to be as optimistic as the author seemed to be and I ended up more despairing than fulfilled.  I was completely at a loss to understand any concept of optimism back then and it would be about a decade before I began to understand it at all.

In 2004, I began attending workshops at my local women's health centre and I recall one woman who was very optimistic, silver lining to every cloud for her.  At the time, I unkindly judged her as weird and figured she must have never gone through anything difficult in her life and probably wouldn't understand 'how the other half lived'.  It turned out she had been through a lot and had 'learned' optimism herself.  I'm very grateful I met her as I soon found her rubbing off on me and I remember one day speaking to someone and thinking "I sound just like......, I hope I don't piss anyone off".

Over the years since then I have changed dramatically enough to now want to find blessings in everything.  Last year I had many experiences that left me feeling battered, afraid and sad but I was able to try to find the blessings and it has made me feel stronger, kinder and much more grateful.  I've been able to catch myself 'blaming' lots of times and instead ask myself "what would this be if there was no blame at all?  What am I learning from this and can I be at least grateful for the lesson?"

I've had some personal health challenges for a while and have lately been applying myself to that in this way too.  I recently started using my treadmill again and was bored after a week but I now want to love myself and my body enough to get moving and keep moving so I looked for the blessing - now I am (I feel) grateful for the chance and the choice to get moving.  I feel grateful that I have a treadmill.  I feel grateful that I've had another call to wake up.  I feel grateful for all the times before that I started and stopped as those times have each provided me with information that is helpful to me now.  I feel grateful that I can still move at all.  I feel grateful that I can still walk, breathe, feel and smile.  I feel grateful that I have an internal walking group.  I feel grateful for all of my old, daggy 80's music that walks with me.  I feel grateful that I can do it my way with help and support.  So now, I am really en-joy ing it, being in the joy of it and that's just because I decided to change my perception of it.

Can you look for blessings in the things you don't like so much?  I hope so.

xxjxx

Note to a friend

I have decided it is time to travel back to provide inspiration to my mother just before my birth this time.  I don't want to spoil any surprises or avenge anything.  I merely aim to write as if I am the voice of encouragement to a very young, frightened mother-to-be.

January 1969

Dear expectant mother of baby June

You don't know me and it may happen that you never do.  I am a very good friend of someone you are about to care very deeply for and I'd like to share some things with you to support you through the next chapter of your life.

This baby that you're about to have is incredible!  A strong, capable, intelligent and loving miracle.  Please remember that this baby is not 'yours' and is simply on loan from God to you to raise.  This baby has asked to be born into this world to know love - to be love, loved, loving and lovable.  God has deemed you to be the perfect mother to help this baby achieve her dream.  There is no expectation upon you to be anything other than who you are.  You are enough.

You will not find this easy, nor will the baby.  The two of you are on a long journey together and you will lead for many years as the baby grows and learns.  You will learn learn much from this baby about love and you will doubt yourself, despise yourself and criticise yourself many times in the coming years.  Hold fast.  This baby will help to heal your pain and will, in turn, bring fresh pain too.  This baby will never intentionally hurt you.  The pain this baby brings will be the pain that only love can bring and that only love can heal.

You can do this and you will have guides with you always.  You will not know them as guides but they will always be there and will assist in many ways as you raise this child.  God loves you as you are and trusts that you are just right for this assignment so remember: love this baby in whatever way you know how.  What will be will be and you cannot control any of it.

A friend xx

Birthday wishes for myself

This year, I will be 45. That's 315 in dog years!! Wow!!

Mr Google once informed me that every cell in my body is replaced every 7-10 years and I have not dreaded birthdays since!  Just to imagine that I am never older than 7 is fascinating to me and, I now look at each age very differently and creatively than I used to.

According to my creative calculations, that makes me 4 again this year if I count the years from conception up :-).  I like to look back for patterns, lessons learned and unlearned.  For example, the first time my cells had existed for 6 years (my 5th birthday), I started my education.  Then 7 years later, at 12, I entered secondary education.  7 more years later, at 19, I entered a relationship with my future husband which was also an education.  7 more years down the track (26), I entered adult education for the first time at TAFE. 7 years later, at 33, I began my healing journey which has been an incredible , necessary, life-changing education.  7 years after that at 42, I applied for the job I have now which has been and continues to be very educational. At each stage, I have learned some profoundly new and helpful things and recognised some patterns I had not previously learned from and was therefore continuing to repeat.  I can only imagine what 49 will bring, almost certainly, another year of learning in preparation for my future.

Right now though, I am getting ready to celebrate 45, (4 again) and I must say, my 4 year old self is quite excited at what plans I can come up with to celebrate my new 4th birthday.  Right now, the most obvious pattern I see is that 4, 11,18, 25, 31, 38 (the other times my cells were 4) were all hugely pivotal years for me so I imagine this year will be too.  Now I'm off to look for the pattern of what I still need to learn that I hadn't learned last time my body turned 4.

Happy birthday to me

xxjxx

Another new year

Hello 2014!!

I had a fabulous Christmas wih the people I love most in this world. Lots of hugs, kisses and relaxation.  I've had a few triggers and a few sadnesses and they have moved through me with ease as I have learned to allow that to happen.  No more trapped e-motions, let it go!  Life is so much fun without the baggage of yesteryear :-) 

I've decided that this year is the year I'm going to get a home of my own again.  I've devoted the past 10 years to rebuilding myself and my life and it's time now to put down roots again and honour myself with my own home.  I worked ferociously hard to own one before and I feel ready to do it again in a healthier, more balanced way this time.

I'm not looking for a 'dream' home with all the mod cons although I would like one with running water, electricity and maybe internet reception. I will be very happy to merely get approval for a home loan but of course, I need to apply for one first and therein lies the challenge -saving for a deposit.

I have owned 2 homes before and was scrupulous in paying the mortgage.  I know that once I have the loan, the rest is easy for me.  Saving has never been a strong point for me though and I will need to learn how to do it successfully.  Due to the high costs of real estate, I will need to save at least $30,000 and it will take time to do that.  It will take perseverance and I will need to really apply myself and go back to being frugal without being miserly.  I can do it, I just need to start.  I need to see a mortgage broker to assess my position and get information.  I've redone my budget so I know what I can save and I've worked out I can afford repayments on $200,000 which is just enough to buy a home in my area.  It doesn't matter if the place needs work, I just want my own home again and it's time now to make it happen.  

Wish me luck 

xxjxx