Love is not laziness

I was writing in my journal this morning, and telling my God that I would like some help to practice accepting the opinions of others with "thank you for helping me learn and grow", and as I wrote, I received a beautiful text message from a lovely friend. As I was responding to that message, I realised that I have been feeling ashamed of my current need to self-care for 'so long', and as I realised that shame I received the following intuition:

"Oh dear June, you have been so much and done so much and given so much in this world already and you have usually done it all so selflessly. What you have called laziness in yourself has in fact been Grace. When you were born into this world, you began giving, every moment you gave selflessly and then, in those moments when you were able to stop and be, that was Grace. God was giving you rest. You didn't forget that it was dangerous to stop, you rose above it all to the place of no danger. You rose to love so you would not attach to pain and fear and hate. Then, when you escaped, you rested before the next onslaught, and it was not lazy to be a mother to your children and put all your energy into that for six years. Your children needed you and you filled that space and their hearts with so much love. Dear June, you have put so much love into this world and always take so little for yourself. When you took that time for yourself in Campbelltown, you were not being lazy, you were giving yourself permission to be a child finally, and now, here, you're giving yourself permission to be an infant. No pressure, just love and understanding. 

What greater love could you bring to this world June? Please believe in your greatness, in your essence, you really are here to set the world ablaze with love."

I'm so glad that I have finally begun to realise just how much of the darkness in myself I draw to me on the outside. Of course I've been fearing that everybody will judge me because I judge me. Slowly, day by day, I'm learning to love me. I'm not just learning to love the things I know about and the things that are easy to love, I am learning to love every aspect of who I am and there's nothing lazy about that!!! - June Parkin

Someone pointed something out to me yesterday and my first instinct was to disagree, push away, resist it. Almost immediately I realised that this is what I want. I want to have things pointed out to me to help me become more aware, more conscious of myself. I appreciate having those things pointed out. I know now that when I don't appreciate having those things pointed out, I will need to learn them the hard way. I also know that when I immediately reject something, it's because it has presented itself to me, it hooks into me, (because it's a reflection of what I have not yet acknowledged, accepted and learned to love about myself) and immediately cognitive dissonance takes over - my brain immediately tries to find validation for my rejection, that way my ego won't have to feel powerless and can blame the mirror for the terror instead.  I believe that life is made up of a billion moments such as this and each of us struggle or succeed in our own way. I'm also grateful for the lesson that I've had around passive aggressive behaviour. I have long disliked passive aggressive behaviour, and I often wondered what that reflected for me, because I wasn't able to see it in myself or except it in myself. Through someone honestly telling me that that is what my behaviour was like, I was able to see immediately a) why they could see it in me, and b) why I haven't been ready to see it in myself.

For some reason I had not yet recognised that avoiding someone when I don't know what to say to them is a form of passive aggressive behaviour. Really it's the silent treatment, I won't talk to you, I won't be honest with you, I won't open up to you because I don't know what to do, therefore I will leave you to suffer from my silence in your silence.  Believing that the people in the world are mirrors or reflections doesn't make life easier. But then, maybe it does,

I said thank you a lot yesterday for new awakenings and my ego didn't like that but I did. It made my Soul feel good and that's what matters to me, not illusions of ego.  - June Parkin 2015