If we're all different and all at different vibrations, here to learn different things, it makes sense to me we will experience the same things differently too. I spent decades wondering why child abuse happens and, more importantly at the time, why it had happened to me. When I first met my husband I began saying that he was my reward for time served. I felt like I would choose to live the same childhood again if I could also choose to have him waiting at the finish line. The depth and sweetness of the love we have is so incredible that I cannot adequately describe it in words. Like the most heavenly melody, our love opens cosmic gateways that call others into our orbit and leave them shining in kind. It is the kind of love that musicians, writers, bards and poets wax lyrical over and, after years of what I once called misery, I found that love and I held it tight. That love held me through the darkness of my thawing out. I was so frozen in fear that I was only capable of judgment and cynicism when I found that love. I lashed out at it, spitting in fury and pushing it away, vocal and honest about how black and hurtful I saw myself to be. I oozed a thick tar across my life and I spat it into the air in my turgid terror, wanting so much to break free but not knowing how. I was trapped in the darkness of awakening and fast losing sight of my own feeble light. As much as I fought and scratched, my husband reached down into the farthest reaches of my heart and tenderly lifted my Soul back up where I could see it for myself. In that moment, hope stirred within me for the first time in years and I knew peace. It was fleeting and flimsy but it was real peace and I wanted to find it again so I threw everything up in the air and ran towards that peace with an abandon I had never known.
In the weeks that followed, my self hatred spewed out of me in a fresh torrent as my ego fought with frenzy against the death it knew it was dying. The blackened, toxic stench of self-loathing and the desire for self-annihilation erupted out of every pore and I reeled in dazed shock. How on earth could my ego keep me downtrodden in comfortable fear if I opened myself up to a love so true? It could not, and it knew it. My poor, dying, deluded ego kicked, screamed, hated, wailed, moaned and flailed in an effort to tear me away but, there was a light in my eyes that I'd sought since creation and I knew in my heart to hold on no matter what. I doubted my husband, I questioned his motives, I tried to convince him I was bad, I told him all of my worst 'stories' where I'd been the bad guy, I tried to set him free (rescuing him). I even tried to convince us both that I should go back to where I came from and suffer permanently. Luckily for me, he was having none of it. Finally I had met someone strong enough to hold me in the broken places, I'd got to the meeting place and I'd met Love face to face, my ego was paralysed with fear and my Soul was ecstatic - the war raged on inside. Shadow after shadow raised its head, and as the protagonists in a long and drawn out battle would, they plotted and planned their strategies with care, sending their best soldiers and assassins against me at all hours for months on end. Often the voracity and suddenness with which they attacked brought me to my knees or worse, planted my face to the dirt. Now though, I had Love and that gave me hope. Through all this I've learned to never again underestimate the power of hope.
That was quite a while ago now and in the past year I've gone through a similar awakening again. I married my husband last year, at the beginning of the new siege. Once again he reached in and took my Soul by the hand, this time offering his hand while I raised myself to my feet with dignity. This time I saw the attack for what it truly is - purification. My shadow is not out to get me, it has been keeping me safe until I was ready to see it, embrace it, love it and let it go. My ego is my ally, not my enemy. As my ego learns to let go and allow room for my Soul, amazing things are happening within and without. I am in a cocoon and it is turning and swirling through the rainbows of Life, metamorphosing me into my true self, a Divine blend of human and spirit. Both my ego and soul are necessary and The Climb has brought us together as one. The wings have formed and the pupae is growing, bursts of Light flash gently through my being at times, exercising my nervous system in readiness. Life is exquisitely fragile yet strong, and so am I. I have never acknowledged my fragility until now, needing to project myself as impenetrable even to me because I could not penetrate the substrate of fear keeping my heart secure from my own self.
Now I can see the huge projector screen this world provides and have let go of the blame I used as a lance and shield for so long. Now I'm learning what Love has been teaching me all along. Now I see the patterns of my life, the silken web of providence, the tapestry of God, the dexterity with which my Soul has sewn my experiences together to create a life of miracles. Now I see how this moment is every moment of creation and nothing more. This moment is all that I live for and love is the energy that created it - my own love. As I throw my arms open wide to greet the day, I thank all that is Love for every moment that this moment now contains.
May your day be as filled with love as I'm choosing mine to be.
RememberingUnity
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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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