I have not feared death for a very long time. For me, I 'died' so many times that I became much more afraid of living than I ever was of dying. I became so afraid of life that I sought death, embraced it, called to it and, eventually tried to control it and force it. I became attached to the illusion of death and now I wonder if it was because I had so steadfastly refused to attach to life. Of course, the more I chased after death, the more elusive it became, wriggling out of my desperate clutches time after time. I perceived that God had abandoned me to suffering, misery and eternity. I almost came to believe that I was destined to live eternally damned, to never be granted the sweet release I thought I would find in death. But then I found the truth within and I had learned what death had sought to teach me - it was time to individuate - to cut the symbiotic apron strings I'd built with death and start living my life. I felt like something died inside as abuse and trauma rocked me out of my illusions time and time again for year after year. I now see that in each of those moments where 'something died in me that day', my ego had learned to let go. I see death now as only a state of awakening for the ego as the soul never dies. I 'died' over and over in order for my sleeping soul to awaken within me and burn off the ego's armour which had grown tight, restrictive and unbending around me. The inflexibility of that armour encased the cells of my being in rigidity and toxicity, creating physical, mental and spiritual health issues and I had very little knowledge at the time of how to change any of it. I suffered but therein lies an amazing and majestic wonder all of its own.
All through my teens I told myself that I was born to suffer and that I needed to get used to it, to suck it up and get over it. I was very harsh, had no compassion or empathy and, as the brain is going through extreme changes at that age, I know now that it was not an abnormal attitude to have. I had the illusion though of suffering as martyrdom rather than as a lesson to learn from and let go of. In her own way my mother tried to instruct me on martyrdom but I knew it all. I truly had to learn my own lessons, as I'm sure many of us do. I wrapped suffering around me like a cloak of invisibility, choosing to hide from the world. I imagined myself to be some huge, rotting, putrid enigma that no one could possibly love or accept and, through isolation I was able to support my own illusions on that. Then I had children. I loved those babies so much that the world opened up and I had to live, truly begin living. My ego died again and again in order to love with all my heart and soul. I loved them so deeply, unconditionally and perfectly that I surrendered all that I believed myself to be. I arranged my whole world around them because there was nothing else of me. I didn't know who, how or what to be by then and I didn't yet know that I was learning it right there and then. As humans it would have been nice for my kids to have a mother who could live her own life in a healthy, adult way. As souls, we each knew we were family, supporting and unconditional in our love and understanding. My children were my greatest teachers and they taught me the joy that life can bring when I open myself up to it. They taught me to take responsibility and to judge less. They taught me to look within myself for the answers I seek and to stop blaming the world for all of my problems. They taught me to wake up and aim high, to expand my consciousness and to become mindful of my environment. My kids taught me the value of life and of love.
I didn't know all this at the time and I struggled to let go of my cloak of suffering. Although I could not see it then, there was a much bigger awakening that my soul was preparing me for. It would take many 'deaths' and new beginnings to arrive at the door of my soul; charred and blackened, with the shiny, pink joy of newborn innocence gleaming out from under the carbonised fossil of who I used to be. In order to get to that gate, I'd had to jump off cliffs; dive into the nothingness of eternity; walk into the fiery bowels of hell itself and holding my own hand, walk out again with my head held high; to drown in a tsunami of feelings and judgments; to die and die and die again until I learned how to embrace life. Until I saw with clarity and honesty how many thousands of ways I had rejected the gift of creation itself. I had been mindlessly killing and abusing myself and laying the blame outside of me, preferring instead to slander those who tried to help me stop. I had lashed out at those who wanted to love me, help me grow and live longer. I didn't want to and I didn't have to and, and, and, and, and..... The child inside was alone, afraid, abandoned and attached to the illusion of control. She was not about to let that go without a fight, and that was meant to be too.
I realised a few years ago, after studying attachment styles, neuroscience, child development and transactional analysis, that until I became a secure attachment figure for my inner child, I would be doomed to seek out comfort from others. My needs would never be met until I learned how to be the one who met them. No one else can ever meet the need of my own inner child and until I become that parent to myself, I am at the mercy of my suffering. The beauty is, that suffering is what drove me forward and kept me moving towards my goal. Now that I am the parent to myself that life has always hoped I'd be, everything has changed in the most beautiful, miraculous and magical ways.
I hope that you find and meet the child inside if you haven't already. I hope you get the chance to greet and love that child inside past all intellect and sensibility. I hope you take the chance to fly high on swings, dance in the waves, jump off the cliffs and bravely march through hellfire and beyond, to see and experience for yourself the glory that a love like that can bring to your life. Loving the inner child is a love like no other and it brings with it the gift of life itself and the whole blazing, phenomenal, incredible, fantastic universe comes with it.
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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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