For 12 years I worked to feel my feelings. I lived numb for decades and could not even identify any feelings at all. I was suicidal and self harming, desperate to drown in the simulated life that stimulants provided. I was drowning in my drugs of choice back then: exercise, ocd, depression, control, alcohol, prescription drugs and marijuana. Nothing I tried helped me to feel anything but more out of control. I eventually imploded completely and that's when things had a chance to change - I had surrendered and I didn't even know it. I did not know that surrender was an ACT of will back then and that by making the choice to stop even trying to live, I had surrendered. Thankfully I know now that there are other ways of surrendering that will create the same catalyst for change but back then I had no idea. Once my ego surrendered my chokehold on life, life started offering me beauty, love, light and so much more. Then my body began to shut down as I began healing my mind and I had no idea that it would have to do that. In creating the changes that I was, huge changes, I had created huge shifts in the energy within my body too. I did not know anything about energy then so I succumbed to the powerlessness of believing I had permanent disabilities. I let go (surrendered) my body to what I perceived was fate and concentrated on learning to feel.
I can see now why all of this had to happen. My rebuild is wholistic, not just my mind, my body or my energy, it's all of me that I'm reconnecting with and learning to captain. I spent 12 years learning to identify my feelings but I tenaciously held onto noticing the energy they elicit in me also. I took notice of where in my body I could feel them and what that energy felt like. My heart knew that without mindfulness, I would be caught in a spiral, I'd end up not feeling again some day. So I studied myself while I learned from education and learned from supporting and teaching others. Mindfulness of the energy makes a huge difference. Our feelings are energy like quantum physics now tells us everything is. In becoming aware of the energy within my body I can choose to change it in whatever way I want or need to. There really is no one-size-fits-all for living our own lives. There will be many times for a lot of us when we want to believe and when we want others to believe that there is one, terrific, sure fire way to live life but really? If there is only one way, why are we all created equally but differently? I imagine there are many things we could all do similarly and together and even the same way - for a time - and then it's time to go it alone, before reuniting, re-membering that we are part of the same quantum particle, the same Divine Body, the same matter, time and space.
Each time I write in my journal, the first words I write are: "I feel..." Then I write feeling words and nothing else. Once I've identified that I feel happy, sad, angry, etc, I then write down how the energy feels, where it is in my body and what it feels like, what thoughts it's attached to and what I want to do with that energy to release it. My way is to write it out, to become mindful of my own story and, I'm currently working on a new way which I'm learning. I spent 10 years learning to just let it explode out of me and after getting hurt a few times, I knew I had to adapt it to myself and my own way of being. There is a time for everything and now is my time to find my own way. I've let go of all the perfectionist expectations I used to have and now, after completely surrendering my life to my God again without suicide and self harm, my life is changing in spectacular and miraculous ways. Life shows me when I'm on my own right path and when I'm not and I am on mine. My mind want to captain the ship that I am but with mindfulness, it gets to be part of the team and not the ogliarch it once was so now life is beautiful and I am mindful of that that and grateful for that and I feel grateful. I feel it in my heart like fairy floss inside me all warm and fuzzy and pink. I choose to allow that energy to permeate my being as I head off to breakfast.
May we all find our own path and find our own way to stay on it.
RememberingUnity
fb.me/RememberingUnity
ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
#innerchild #mindfulness #life #healing #followforfollow #light #selflove #unity #spiritualgrowth #soul #gratitude #love #mythoughts #beingreal #beingtrue #ॐॐॐ
#weareallinthistogether #om #aum
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