Breathing through the clusters

Wow!  What an incredibly huge night I had last night!  While meditating yesterday I saw myself as I was years ago: curled up in a ball on the floor, sobbing and hating on myself, begging to die because I could not bear to live with the torture of cluster headaches anymore.  As I watched this image in my mind yesterday, from the safety of 3 years away from my last experience with cluster headaches, I wept again.  This time I wept with sorrow and remorse for the level of hatred I witnessed me aiming at myself back then.  I now have so much compassion for that me of the past who became so resilient and brave through those horrors, that me who had so much compassion for everyone else in the world and yet none at all for herself.  I called out once again in Love across the ether: "Ho'oponopono, Ho'oponopono.  You're going to be okay.  You've got this. I'm here holding you.  It really is going to be okay."

I saw this me from Now sending Love to that me of Then and felt a tiny spark of Light ignite in her, a small glimmer of hope.  I saw her square her shoulders and rise to try again and I wept more sorrow as I know her full story now and that is indeed how she overcame.  I suddenly felt fear as I wondered if I must now embrace these agonies again in the new energy I am cultivating within myself.  As quickly as the fear rose, it dissipated as I realised that my Soul will be with me if that happens.  I trust my Soul and I let it go.

Last night - bang.  I felt the pain rise suddenly and the terror came with it, drawing me into a deep, black, cold hole inside myself.  I clawed my way out, scratching and gasping, forgetting my breath, forgetting who I was for a while and then...... suddenly my Soul was there: "breathe.  breathe.  you're okay. breathe."  

"I feel so terrified".  I owned.  

"It's okay to feel it.  Tell me about this feeling. Tell me what it looks like, feels like, look at this terror and tell me what you see."

I began to really look, to dissociate from the overwhelmingness of it and dissect the feeling instead.  I felt it in my body and as it had the last few times, it recoiled from my consciousness, bearing less pain.  I saw it, smelled it, mastered it and let it go with love.  I asked its name and it told me.  I finally felt no malice or fear and I sent it Love and Light.  The pain subsided and so did the terror.  I allowed myself to lay flat and just breathe. 6-3-6 breath.  Nice and easy.  As tiny aspects of fear clawed at my consciousness, trying to seduce me back, I steadfastly and graciously breathed the pain out of my body and finally found sleep.  I slept right through and awoke this morning with some residual pain and a very hopeful outlook.  I'm okay and I'm doing this.

RememberingUnity

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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