For decades I thought of my life as some horrible holocaust I could never escape. For the first 35 years of my life I somehow focused on trauma and abuse to the exclusion of all else. I was so filled with fear that love was an illusion I could see within myself but no one else and, I had no idea at all how distorted my vision truly was. Over time I mastered the art of becoming really small and shutting everything out in a tragic effort to feel safe. I hated life but couldn't escape it no matter what I tried and I tried - boy did I try. The more times I tried and failed, the angrier I got and the more my shadow grew.
One day my vision suddenly changed. I'd been so sure that a holocaust was imminent in the world that I failed to see myself in it at all. Although I always felt as if I didn't belong in this world, I never knew that I could change that in any kind of positive way. I even taught my kids how to survive in a post-apocalyptic world without me. Little did I know that I was preparing them for just that future but not for the destruction of the whole world, only the world we had created together in our hearts and homes as a family. When I came to the point of surrender, no space within me had anything to grab hold of. It was as if all of the horror and misery had prepared me to let go so fully and thoroughly. Whatever I lost that day, I began to gain my Self.
Before then I'd had no sense of self at all. I'd spent 35 years living for those I loved and knowing nothing about how to give even a minute of love to myself. My love for others was all-consuming, even as a child, but I hated and loathed everything about myself. My amazing ego did such a great job of keeping me in separateness and, I had no idea what was going on. I was totally comfortable being seduced by my inferior ego, I didn't know any differently so I survived. I would hardly say I thrived though.
Once I threw myself off that huge, interior cliff into the blackest hole I've known, I found a tiny, minuscule light in the bottom. It makes sense to me now that the cloying blackness of that hole, the pervading no-thingness of it is what made it at all possible for me to see the light. I've been Light my whole existence, like I believe we all are, but my perception kept me so separate from the truth of who I am that I could only feel safe with the shadows by then. Now that I know the brain works that way, I know how to change it but I didn't know back then. All I knew is that I was done, I was tired, sore, weary, desolate, terrified and I wanted out. I gave up and.....I gave in. That was the turning point and it eventually saved and changed my life.
I've gone through that kind of deconstruction a few times now. Each time I learn something completely different and now, unlike previous times, I've learned to love myself! This time I can see those other times as training, practice to get me to here. This time, as I learn to love and accept myself, all manner of miracles are appearing in my life, like rewards for all the hard work. I remember last time i perceived miracles too but this time the miracles go beyond my egos comprehension at all and I feel so grateful. Now I have found a sincere appreciation for every experience I've had, even the traumatic ones I once refused to forgive. Now I'm finding peace, unity, love and myself. Now I want to love till I burst, to serve and to share. I want to be one with all of creation and be in the joy of life. I want to BE, and I am.
The pain of yester-moment is all but gone. Each day more pain calls in to say goodbye, each visit a welcome parting for me and I thank each pain for the lesson it taught me as I lovingly let it go. Choosing to embrace the pain with love has been the most profoundly beautiful thing I've ever done. Putting aside blame and fear and remembering that I deserve to be free from pain, asking my Soul for guidance, letting God, Divinity, Universal Love help instead of doing it all alone. Opening up my heart to an unknown level of truly unconditional love, has made forgiveness easy now. I not only forgive, I am grateful. Words cannot describe what I'm gaining from all this but it's amazing and I'm free from those old illusions. I'm not out the other side yet but there's no rush now, I'm where I need to be and it can take as long as it takes. All I need right now is to revel in the glory of being exactly who I am right now. There has never been a surer or more fulfilling goal.
May you feel free to just be yourself today and shine the light of who you truly are, even for a moment, just as I am choosing to do for me.
RememberingUnity
fb.me/RememberingUnity
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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