I'm moving house again and this week I'm honouring the grief that arises with that. I used to really hate moving house because I perceived it through this old, cracked, blaming lens. When I moved house before now, I used to think that I was being 'made' to move - by whom I don't know. Seeing things from a Soul perspective, a clearer lens, makes so much difference. Now that I've let go of so much of the need to blame someone or something else for my choices, my thoughts, my feelings, my life, it's much easier to accept and take responsibility and to afford others the same chance. From the eyes I'm looking through now, this move is exciting, just like the last move was.
I moved here 2 years ago and, although it was daunting, it was a carefully considered move. At that time, my world felt balanced and, it was all in balance at the level of consciousness I was at. I worked in a role that ignited my Soul; my passion for that role and for life was unquenchable; my health was better than at anytime in my life before; I had faith, friends and Love. I felt very conscious of being ready to surrender control and to trust life to lead me forward for the highest good of all - and it did. I moved into a tent for forty days and I received the blessing of building my own home on free land, at one with the glory of nature. I accepted my blessing with great reverence and did all that I could to honour it. I truly believed I had found my 'forever home'; the place my Soul felt most at peace. I got approved for a loan, which I never dreamed would happen; everything fell into place without drama; my partner and I connected on an even deeper level; my role expanded so I was learning more and it really felt like life was a Divine miracle. And then it was time to give more to life - no blame, I was being spiritually rebirthed. I did not weather the storm with perfect grace and I will admit that anytime. I did endeavour at all times to maintain my integrity and look past my own wounding and although I was not able to in every moment, I WAS able to keep bringing myself back around to there when I erred.
My whole world changed in the course of 6 months and so did my whole world view. I had not previously known consciousness could expand to the level mine now had and I did not know of anyone who could support me in that either, although I did search. I withdrew from life as I floated in this no-thing-ness I found myself in and devoted myself to myself. There has never been another time I have met myself at the level I'm at now. I allowed myself to drop every facade I had created and to be my real, true, self. I met, accepted and honoured my bare ego and it was in no way easy. I had to meet all of me, not just the illusions I had created to keep myself happy. I met all of the parts of myself that I still judged and, I also began to see how I'd been projecting myself, particularly the bits I didn't like, onto the people around me so that I could convince myself they were to blame for my pain. It was frightening and terrifying and a couple of times I wondered if I'd make it this time but - I had faith. My faith is unbreakable now and I held fast to it and allowed my Soul to guide me instead of my ego. My ego was smashed, dashed against the rocks of illusion that rose like cliffs out of the ocean of emotion threatening to drown me in my own perceptions. I surrendered all of who I was because my heart told me it was time and it was necessary. My head switched off completely and I couldn't even form thoughts most days. I lost all sense of direction; I forgot how to perform simple tasks; I lost interest in all of my hobbies; I caught fire inside and my skin erupted into sores; I developed a thirst for water I could not slake and my body rejected almost all of the foods I ate; I became depressed but....... I knew in my heart that this was not what it all appeared to be. I knew this was an expansion and not a contraction and in fact, I also learned that I've been through it before and it was expansion then too. I will write more about that some other time.
Right now I'm moving again. I love my house. My now-husband and I built it with our own hands in two weeks. We respected the environment with sacred attention all the way and we got married while we were here. We surrendered all of who we are to life and let go of the need to control life while we learned to control ourselves with less harshness and perfectionism. We have grieved what we lost and embraced what we have found. I have again grieved the loss of a family, my soul family, my tribe and of my symbol for my own passion. I had built my life around service and I struggled to surrender that the most. Although we chose to live without any of life's luxuries (eg running water, fridge, electricity, real wages), our passion for the cause we believed in was what drove us, inspired us, held us, for so long. Now we've had to learn to let that dream go, other people's dreams are theirs and we are so blessed to have been able to share that and grow with that. We will always be grateful for the opportunities and gifts this decade has brought. We now need to find a way to serve humanity again and, knowing us, it won't take us long to figure out how and just get to it. It's who we really are. So for now, we will feel our feelings, stay positive and real, and allow life to lead us into whatever amazing adventure we are ready to enrol in next. Life really is a miracle to me now and I'm going to live every day with the passion for service I now trust I have inside me.
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