More and more energy from the past that once lay unconsciously unresolved within me is rising as each day passes. Reminders appear everywhere to pry it loose and provide me with another opportunity to release the energy, freeing myself from the bondage of unforgiveness. Holding on to those old illusions hurts, it never helped although I was not ready before to see it. Today I'm learning to love my Inner Victim, the part of me that can't, shouldn't, must, hates, blames, judges, fears: my ego masquerading as pseudo-fragility.
That Inner Victim served me well for the time I needed it to and it was easy to think I could just blame that for my pain once I stopped blaming others but my truth is: there is no blame. That Inner Victim saw pain and blame in everything once and the addiction was strong. Using powerlessness intravenously to stay small, avoid responsibility, justify toxicity and escape my truth, I even tried to use suicide to hide more deeply in the darkness where it felt painfully more comfortable. The Inner Victim didn't know that the pain was where the Light was entering me and leaving from me too. I didn't know that what was happening was going to eventually open me up to a love more wondrous than any miracle - self love. I was in a trap that my own mind had set, unready to see myself in all the pain. I saw only a victim and not the caterpillar that I really was, ready to cocoon myself within my own shadow.
Now that I've embraced my Inner Victim, I can see the wisdom of that darkness. Letting go, surrendering, it's such a personal and unique experience. That suicidal phase was like a dance where my ego wanted centre stage, expecting all the other dancers to fall into a chorus line behind it. Over and over it (I) went into rehearsals with diva demands only to close each night realising there were no rehearsals. The more I rehearsed, the bigger the ovation, the diva got noticed. Trouble was, once the audience stood to applaud, the season ended and all that was left was an exhausted diva in a dirty theatre. Left alone to clean up the mess, I was unable to pretend anymore. It was time to admit defeat finally and that's when the real masterpiece began to unfold. As the credits rolled like an Eddie Murphy movie I saw that it had only ever been me in all the roles. Seemingly separate cast members now appeared with my face in dozens of masks and I slumped in shame and guilt. Face after face and scene after scene replayed before me as I wept in terror and angst. I'd been so sure the rest of the cast was to blame for the show not being how I wanted it and yet here I was seeing my truth: I was the only one there.
It took 12 solid years of learning to be safe, get support (professional and psychological), acquire information (healthy and balanced), and connect to my Inner Child to refine my act. Determined focus, dedication, tears, tantrums, trauma and devotion were what got me through, that and slowly emerging buds of self-love. It was the hatred and loathing I had for myself that sustained the illusion for as long as it did. The Inner Victim had a role to play to wake me up and now I have a starring role myself: to wake up, accept the Inner Victim and claim my place onstage. This role requires more than just turning up to perform though. This time I know that I own the theatre. It's up to me to get to know the cast and crew; to have the theatre ready and to maintain it; to draw the audience; create the billing; wow the crowd; audition the roles and to create something memorable that serves a purpose greater than my own former tunnel vision would have graced me with before.
Now it's time to open my heart and join Will Shakespeare, J.K. Rowling, Jesus, R.R Tolkein, Cleopatra, George R.R. Martin, Paramahamsa Yogananda, Buddha, and others in delivering the story of life at my own vibration. Now my ego is becoming more at peace. Like any small child, my ego needs 'strokes' and it's up to me to provide them or accept that my ego will do whatever it takes to get noticed. It's just how it goes. I have the opportunity to parent myself with nurturing and unconditional love or to suffer from not providing that love and the choice is all mine. I have the right to choose whatever I want and there is no blame. Other people are reflecting what I need to see in myself. They are doing the best they can and I'm reflecting something for them too. It's all a scene from the movie of life and I can choose to be entertained, bored, blown away or pissed off. It's my movie and I do get to choose. I can only see that now though because I'm learning to surrender my old need to play every role, because I'm learning to love and accept my Inner Victim too.
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