Something that reflected to me yesterday was the deaths that my ego dies in a continuing way throughout my life. It becomes more and more clear to me each day that my ego dies again and again as every moment passes. I read years ago that the brain doesn't know the difference between sleeping and dying; that having anaesthesia is a trauma for the brain because it can't distinguish being put to sleep and being put to death. Trauma is the ego believing it's about to die. The trauma I experienced was terrifying and very real and not to be disrespected at all for the power of its intensity. It's a tragedy that many people go through again and again and again as we live and die to the truth of who we ourselves truly are. Trauma happens when we believe we will not survive intact: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Even birth is trauma to the ego because it has no idea if it's going to survive coming from the womb into life. It prepares to die so that we can be born!
Our bodies are flooded with energy when our egos prepare to die. Every cell of our being is activated to defend or attack and our ego puffs up to hold onto itself with everything we've got. It happens millions of times throughout our life and, we believe we are your ego so we gladly stay in the chorus line letting ego headline the act. For most of my life I was so sure my ego was me that I stayed completely powerless and small just so my ego wouldn't notice me. That's how real I had blown it up to be and, I had created the illusion that my ego was some huge, menacing tyrant that I needed to be terrified of. It's not true. Ego is a child, a small child made of thoughts, senses, feelings and beliefs. Ego needs love, attention, parenting and nurture. It was never meant to headline the act. In actual fact, ego has so many facets that it is designed to be the chorus line while my Soul headlines the act but very very few people come into existence knowing that. Like me, most people breathe into life with no conscious awareness that ego or Soul exist at all. We go through one thing after another as our ego dies over and over again so we can surrender to the Divinity that our Soul brings forth for us. Because we don't know any of this at all, we resist it, fight it and tell ourselves we are our ego but one day we realise, like I recently have, that it's all just a grand fabrication. What I have believed all my life about myself and others us nothing more than an elaborate backdrop for the truth of my authentic self to act out so I could learn to surrender to my highest truth. I am more than what I ever imagined I was and I am less than what I ever thought I was. I AM everything and I AM no-thing all at once.
Trauma can be healed and once it is, it does not look the same at all, in fact it looks like a gift once it's completely healed. There's not even a way to explain how incredible it looks from this angle because it's unbelievable and indescribable until you get there. I would never have believed what I accept now as my own truth - my trauma was just re-takes in the movie of this lifetime of mine. I'm probably up to Take 7,000,084 and I bet I could make dozens of blooper movies of the scenes of hilarity if I wanted to but for now I want to just acknowledge it. I respect my ego and the solemnity with which I greet it today is testament to my respect. My ego went through utter hell to get me here and I am so grateful for every moment of learning in that journey. I promise to love and care for my ego for as long as I exist in this form in this lifetime and I know that if I don't, I will be reminded to get back down off my high horse and see to the children of my ego. What an incredible and magical life I have.
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