Last night I felt the pure energy of joy and it took me completely by surprise. I was watching an old movie that I liked from my childhood when, about 5 minutes into it, I was filled with joy. As I felt the energy begin to expand within me, I allowed myself to surrender all old patterns of paranoia, control and fear. Usually, if I started to enjoy anything, I told myself that I couldn't enjoy it too much. I would become ultra-mindful of my facial expressions, my energy, my beingness, and I tended to shut myself down in case my husband or others thought something of me for it. With all of the devotion, self-love and self-acceptance I have been practising this past year, I'm recognising how controlling and tiring that sort of thing is, and I'm giving myself permission to be naturally me a lot more often.
So last night as I felt the joy expand within, I allowed the child within to be me as her. My own energy changed until I realised that I had transported myself. I recognised that I was feeling the way I had the first time I saw that movie and that every time I've watched it since, some part of me has been too afraid to allow that joy in. This made me watch the movies dozens of times throughout my life in the hopes that I would one day wake up and experience what I did last night. The joy was so clean and pure that I began to weep unashamedly last night and, although I felt silly for one moment, I quickly put that aside and allowed the innocence of it to come through instead. I was able to be a child, a parent, and an adult all at once - a goal of mine or the past decade now.
A dear friend called me a survivor recently and I realised that although I was once proud of that label, it really no longer resonates within my being as my truth. I'm so much more than any label can ever define and I'm so grateful to be able to accept and trust that now. I promised myself last year that no matter where this 're-birthing' took me, I was going to stay the course. In my pledge to serve the world this past decade, I had led myself to believe that I could only help others if I experienced everything that anyone else might experience but that's a rather enormous and destructive expectation to load upon myself. I realised last week that ego was creating that thought pattern and hobbling me with it. My Soul knows what I need and I can now trust that so I'm letting go (surrendering) the need to enforce that kind of thinking anymore. I've experienced enough pain to learn what I have needed to learn and now it's okay to seek and experience joy, as a soul in a human body. It's okay to embody joy and I'm doing it. I've been weeping tears of gratitude by the bucketful for months, for the smallest of reasons: feeling love; tasting the flavours of my food; incredibly different and vibrant sunsets; increasing abundance; empathy for others; unity consciousness; faith; synchronicity; my amazing Inner Child; friendship; forgiveness and even finding gratitude for old experiences I had previously labelled as abusive and traumatic. I now can even see those experiences vey differently, with gratitude for what my Soul got to learn from them and a feeling of forgiveness - complete and unconditional love for all concerned, especially for myself.
My heart is opening now to a capacity I had not previously realised was possible. My ability to empathise is off the chart, even for me. Now it's time to change it up and en-joy the bliss of joy within me too. Now the miracle of life is evident to me in all things and not just the previously acceptable things. All of life is incredible to me and the sky is the limit.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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