Yesterday while packing up my caravan so I can sell it to have money for a rental bond, I allowed myself to feel the energy of everything that arose. I had said to my husband last week to expect me to grieve when we move. I devoted myself to this place and these people for ten whole years and leaving is not easy. I am committed though to allowing myself to free the energy of my being through feeling the feelings and releasing the energy as it comes. As I packed up my photos of loved ones, I was aware of resistance and apathy, a sure sign to me now of energy beginning to stir. This time I was ready for that though and I allowed my thoughts to go wherever they needed but did not get too hooked into them until bang! I sat and journaled for a while, allowing every thought to spill onto the page unhindered. This is like meditation for me. The act of writing out my thoughts keeps me detached enough that I can simply observe them and still feel the energy when needed. As I wrote, my mind became more and more quiet, reminding me of how often I can now quiet my mind and body by simply focusing on it when it's not okay. All goes still then. As I wrote yesterday, my thoughts became still and I saw the truth of the mounting pain I carried in my back - grief: sadness.
For the past fortnight I have had 'shadows'. These 'shadows' have been companions of mine since 1984. Cluster Headaches usually come with them but I have not had one of those now since 2013, when I learned to love them unconditionally as more facets of myself. The 'shadows' are not as painful but still very uncomfortable in their own right and usually were precursors to Cluster Headaches. Where I used to panic at the arrival of the 'shadow', I now smile and breathe into it, knowing now that it is just more trapped energy needing to rise up and leave my body. I have cleared so much energy during the past 12 years and especially the last 18 months. Last week another episode of hives covering my face, neck, scalp, hands, and chest reminded me of just how much energy is becoming unstuck now. I feel so blessed to be healing myself at this core, DNA level. Yesterday as I focused on the 'shadow' I saw that it sits in the centre of my spine, slightly to the left and looks like a cricket-ball-sized orb of hard rock. I also saw immediately that it was solidified grief at the back of my heart: a hardened, steeled clump of unrecognised sadness that has accumulated over numerous lifetimes. I wrote out a release and, as I spoke it and swept it out of the chakra using the tools I'm learning at Shanti Mission from Shakti Durga's great community, it broke free. Enormous wails erupted from me as I poured out some of this trapped energy. Tears streamed out of me as the now amorphous pain left my body with ease and grace. I did some Ho'oponopono forgiving myself and the sadness, and then read myself some children's stories, nestled among my stuffed toys. My Inner Child was so at peace and I was too.
I was able to reflect on how much more easily the energy flows now that I'm not trying to blame someone else by labelling them as perpetrators or the cause of my dis-ease. Yesterday showed me how I myself have accumulated the energy inside and how much learning has come from it being there. It has stirred me out of inertia many times and I no longer need it for that so it can now leave in peace. I saw all the times it has coalesced into pain, and I saw the first time it appeared in this lifetime within weeks of me nearly dying at the age of 15. I also saw it across time and space and knew it was ready to leave now. This sadness has found peace because I've allowed myself to feel and free all of the energy that had built up around it: anger, shame, blame, guilt, rage, grief, to name a few. Now it's just sadness - pure, clean, simple and soft. Last night I slept more soundly than I have in months and, I slept all night long which has not happened for months either. I awoke feeling refreshed, positive and pain-free. I wonder what miracle of being today's packing will bring.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
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