Fathers Day

I'm writing 2 posts today as today is feeling splendiferously big for me.  Here in Australia it's Fathers Day and for me that's auspicious because of the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father, the Divine Masculine within myself.  My relationship with my Dad reflects that and does need some work but I'm doing okay.  Today is also the day I get to see my own beloved children again.  I'm going to make the 9 hour drive south today to see them and I'm super excited.  They have children of their own now and I get to see their adorable faces too.

Of course, because I'm going to see them they've been on my mind and energy has been floating to the surface for me to notice and release.  While I'm there I will be viewing a property too and although I have no clue where the funds will come from for this project, I know they will come.  I was recently 'called' to enter the next phase of my life and I am still reeling from the blessings that represents.  I made the decision 12 years ago to move over 1000kms away from my children.  I was very toxic and desperately suicidal and I didn't want someone like that near my kids.  They were 10 and 13 at the time and I had no idea how to change myself, there were no resources available to me, I was dying at my own hand.  I felt 'called' to get out and get better but it broke my heart and ripped me apart in every way.  The journey since then has been a mixture of agony and ecstasy.  There were times when my pain was almost unbearable and other times when the bliss was almost painful in its exquisiteness.  I came to eventually believe that as much as I love and adore my kids, our lives were meant to be spent apart and I just needed to accept it and serve my God in other ways, which I did.  Of course, that service was enhanced by every facet of my relationship with my kids.  For 12 years I worked to surrender my desire to be near them again and I finally made my peace with it - or so I thought.

Recently I have been 'called' to move forward again.  In a similarly tragic wrench, I have torn myself away from the new 'children' I now love as a vocation and devoted all that Love to the Child I am instead.  Again it tore my heart out and broke me open but this time I knew I would be okay and I would be 'held' and this time I made a conscious choice to do it.  I weathered the tsunami of emotions, memories and energy it evoked within me and learned new tools to help me transmute it all into the most amazing life shift I've never imagined.  This new 'calling' is to bring me back to my children again, something I had totally surrendered as never going to happen.  I had let go of all desire to be that close to their lives even though the letting go nearly killed me.  Now old pains are surfacing to be healed and this time I'm ready.  At least 100 blobs a day rise to remembering and are as easy to release now as my breath.  There's nothing to hook into anymore, it's just energy and it's no longer needed.  I've learned what I needed to from it and can now love every moment of it for the lesson it was.  There is something ineffably miraculous in love like this and I can finally be grateful that all of that pain came through me.  Now I can be near my kids without any need to control it, or me, or them.  Now we can be together with love as adults.  Now I can take what it's taught me and pass it along to others.  That's alchemy, that's life, that's love, and that's my 'calling'.

As I make the 9 hour drive down south today I will celebrate, remember, commiserate, reminisce and more.  Any energy that needs release will work its way up and out and most likely bring a song to my heart to sing it on its way.  There is beauty in tragedy that is not always obvious in the midst of the pain but it is there.  Life is a miracle of epically sublime proportions and I feel sincerely grateful for every moment of my life and what it teaches me.  Happy Fathers Day to the masculine energy of creation and to all of the people and things that embody it in their own way.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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