I never in a million years expected to experience life the way I do now. When I willingly surrendered to the Divine fire, I did not know or expect that everything I once thought I knew would turn to dust inside me. I cannot adequately express how grateful I am that I got a 'heads up' before it all came as that is what I've used to keep going this past year. If I had dreamed this up, it would never have been as fantastical as it is. It started with shock, outrage, grief, fear and courage. I felt the pull to rebirth myself into innocence having spent 12 years healing from the impacts of 35 years of childhood abuse and trauma. Working tirelessly to reparent my Inner Child had led me to feeling all of my feelings, observing all of my thoughts and releasing the energy of emotions from my body to heal it too. After the fall, I laid in bed for 3 months and expelled masses of energy that had been trapped in my body and mind for almost 1/2 a century. I cried, screamed, wailed, flailed, yelled and sobbed almost the entire day and then at night too. During all that I learned to truly love myself. It is such a great feeling when you know you are that loved: Besides the amazing gift of my senses coming to life after half a lifetime, I came to finally feel the flexibility of allowing my emotions to just flow through me. There was also the gift of unconditional love.
Each emotion that surfaced brought with it the opportunity to release old traumatic perceptions and energy simply through feeling the feelings and loving myself. Day after day I arose to a fresh onslaught of tears, journaling every thought and just allowing them to flow too. This was my meditation and I meditated for hours each day to find the stillness inside. Each day the stillness became easier to find and lasted for longer. Slowly I returned from the chasm I'd thrown myself into. Over time, something rose up inside and it all began to make sense. Then, one by one I worked on forgiving everyone from my past and more importantly, forgiving the facets of myself they had reflected. This eventually drew me into the incredible beauty and tranquility of realising that there was never anything to forgive. My ego needed to forgive but my Soul never did because each has a different perception of what I experience. I found not only forgiveness then but gratitude-I now give thanks to those I once called perpetrators and persecutors. I now know and acknowledge the love in the lessons of my Soul.
For months I've been afraid of sharing this, afraid of how crazy it sounds but I've loved my ego through that fear too. This is who I am now and I don't know where I will take myself with it but I do know I feel more authentic and real now than I ever have before. Yesterday while meditating I had a clear vision of those people I had once perceived as having hurt me terribly being the same gentle Masters I adore - Jesus, Buddha, Quan Yin, Mohammed, and others. As these Masters walked towards me in loving kindness, their faces changed and became the people from my past but they too wished me no harm and they walked towards me with that same energy of love. I bowed in devotion at each of their feet, heartily thanking them as tears of joy and wonder streamed down my face. Now I can own that I am truly no longer a victim of my past for the pain is gone and I'm free to breathe in the blessings of this moment alone. I give thanks for me and I give thanks for you and I give thanks that we are the same energy holding the space for each other to simply be.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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