Day 17/21
My husband pointed out to me last night that I've been in a newborn state - sleeping, eating, pooping and crying. I once would have felt offended by that or worried that I'm making problems for him but I feel excited. I know I'm getting somewhere, doing what my soul needs me to do. I have been able to be this baby me and parent myself with nurturing as well as be an adult too and not let go of responsibility and that's no small achievement.
When I first got the spiritual call to walk away from abuse and learn in a more advanced class, I was terrified and unsure. My ego felt angry and scared of being that powerless and I feel very grateful that I had prepared myself so diligently for that very thing. I already knew that I was going to feel powerless and terrified and I went into that willingly as an act of self-love. According to leading trauma experts, childhood trauma only occurs when the child feels powerless terror. Having healed 35 years of trauma and abuse experiences, I had reached a place within myself where I felt like I had restored or recreated all of the childhood moments I had thought I had not had. I had managed to create a happy childhood through healing, happy enough that all the child parts of me now felt loved.
It made sense to me that if I want to fully heal, I now needed to re-experience the powerless terror of creation. To be the baby at conception, in the womb, and newborn. Those were the only states I perceived myself not to have ever experienced without trauma. It was a very scary decision, one that no one around me seemed to understand or support. It was a decision I knew I had to make, one that I felt led by God to make. In the 11 months since then I've had the most incredible journey of discovery, particularly around my own attachment to life (or lack thereof). I've recognised that even though I had healed so much and learned to love life, I was still fighting life and the opportunity life gives me to be supported. I was able to give life 1000% but only receive 5%. I still wasn't even fully breathing in my own life force! I was still rejecting life on an unconscious level. It was time to be reborn and this time, to embrace life with all of the love that I am.
There were moments in the beginning where everything felt so chaotic and unfathomable that it took every shred of me to keep my equilibrium and not run screaming for the hills. In those moments I prayed for and received guidance to help me use the tools I had to pull myself through it all. Reacting to that blind chaos gave me the chance to look at my reaction and see the link I needed to in order to heal the wounds and open my heart more to embrace the experience. Of course my ego didn't want me to embrace powerlessness so I nurtured my ego through that. What else could a nurturing parent do when they can't control their child's experience. There are many times in my life as a parent when I was powerless to do anything for my children but love them through what they were facing and now I was in a position to do that for my ego so I did. I chose to surrender all of the power I felt I had and let God take care of the details. I fell with all the grace I knew how and I endevoured to take full responsibility at the level of consciousness I was at. As much as I trusted, I had no idea what was coming.
The first thing was to allow no abuse, ever again. I had not realised how much I was still disrespecting myself in overt and covert ways so I drew to me people who mirrored that and I really didn't like it at all. I reacted to them and walked away as I began to also see what they were reflecting. I did blame them for how I felt about their behaviour and I kept myself safe from any more of it, I also looked at myself. I was still smoking and still allowing other people to treat me like crap. It had to stop, all of it. I did not know then what I know today so I worked with what I did know-the abuse had to stop. I kicked the cigs and all hell broke loose inside, so I set to work exploring why and found the tattered remnants of my poor ego. The core strength of my ego had its own rebirth to navigate and I had not known it was there beneath all of the parts of myself I had befriended and learned to love by then. This core part was determined to fight me off and not allow the surrender I was contemplating but the soul offered support and the journey suddenly went a whole new shade of rainbows.
I dug in and set about learning to love this hissing, spitting, writhing, terrified serpent inside and held the intention to love, love, love myself no matter what I found. I finally allowed every feeling to arise unhindered and let the energy flow freely without trying to figure out why first. I put conscious safety measures in place and, like any loving parent would, I allowed the child within me to be a child while I held the space and provided nurturing when and where it was needed. I let go of everything that was not a priority for that child's development and gave myself 100% to being there for that baby me. I knew in my heart what was coming and I wanted to give myself that gift. 7 years ago I saw the internal future I was creating and I swore that I would become the strong loving mother I needed myself to be for me. Now I had and I knew that blazing golden soul would be bursting to life within me so I had to keep going. I wanted to keep going. In the end I stopped worrying what it might cost and just jumped in. It cost almost all I'd worked for but, I'd already pondered what I would not want to lose and I still have that so the things I did lose don't matter now, probably they never really did. Things like my income, most of my friends, my job, professional respect, my 'tribe', my 'calling' my old cloak of security; but my husband, my kids and grandkids, my self-respect, my integrity, my love and my passion, they have all grown with me.
The inner strength I once thought I had is nothing compared to the strength I have now. Allowing myself to traverse again the metaphorical womb-space of creation has taken me to a whole new level of being that I am not yet going to describe. I am finally free of everything I once thought caged me or wrapped me in fear, all the shackles are off and I am finally dancing into life with joy. There will be no more abuse because I know my own value now and refuse anything less than respect from others and from myself. I now know that it's okay to feel joy, wonder, bliss, excitement, happiness, exhilaration, peace and gratitude too and boy do I feel all that.
This baby me has brought me fully to life for the very first time and that to me is worth all that I once had and more. I don't know what plans God has for my future and that's okay. Now matters too much to worry and I need to focus on not allowing myself to shut down the flow of joy. My primary concern is to enjoy this moment to the full and to be grateful I've got the moment to enjoy. That's where I'm at and what I'm doing and that's enough right now. The child in me is busy being, the parent in me is busy protecting and nurturing and the adult in me is busy too. I'm giving, receiving, praying, learning, taking responsibility, letting go, expanding, contracting, growing, loving and blazing. Who I am right now is enough and I can't think of any me I'd rather be. That's my service to me and to this world and I'm happy to serve.
At+Onement
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