I found the trickiest and most rewarding part of healing from trauma and abuse has been facing and embracing my own ego.  I started with the Inner Child but then met much more of myself than I had previously known existed and I found that there were parts of me that I loathed, parts of myself I was terrified of and parts of myself that I refused to acknowledge.  I feel blessed now that once I set myself on that path of self discovery, I felt surrounded by love.  It was as if by loving myself enough to want to know who I truly am, I drew more love to me.  After years of feeling alone and lost, misunderstanding every offer of help I had received, I suddenly had people everywhere opening their hearts to me and this time I could see it.  It was as if a huge blockout blind had been lifted from over my eyes.  As my heart finally opened up to life, so I felt life open up to me too.  I do own now that life was always open to me and I could not see that or feel it until I was ready.

I feel as if I was reborn back then.  It was in 2004 and I began daily counselling and support groups because I had become unable to function at all.  I was suicidal, self harming and trying to get more and more serious drugs in order to just end myself with.  I didn't know then that my behaviour was actually a perfectly normal experience when the ego or personality structure thinks it's dead and there is no Parent or Adult to nurture us through it. I didn't know then that it's exactly the way the Child Ego Self behaves unattended.  I didn't know then that by throwing off all the previous labels I'd attached to myself, I had "died" to who I used to be.  I had created Armageddon, I reached my Waterloo, in essence I had 'crucified' my ego.  Once those carefully chosen labels of 'mother', 'wife', 'daughter', 'granddaughter', 'niece', 'sister', 'coworker', 'student', 'mentally ill', 'disabled', 'thin', 'good looking', 'crazy', 'married', 'woman', 'friend' and so on were stripped away, there was nothing firm for my ego to grasp and a huge black hole opened up inside me as the grief I felt chased me to the cliff inside myself.  As I stood peering into that hole, with the giant monster bearing down behind me, I wanted to stand my ground and fight but wisdom rose up and said "let go".  Looking down into that hole again I felt a sweet embrace beckoning to me and, raising my arms behind me in a swan dive pose, I fell forward into Love.  I can still feel the freedom of that now, twelve years later.  My Soul has not forgotten the moment I said yes to life by saying no.

Labels are how the left side of the brain makes sense of things.  The right side of the brain has no labels and makes sense if things symbolically instead.  We need both sides working together to fully make sense of ourselves at the highest level of consciousness.  The left side thinks, and it can 'think' that the right side of the brain is chaotic, redundant, childish, immature, lazy, and a nuisance to productivity, structure, problem solving, literal thinking and vocalising.  The right side of the brain has no labels and it feels.  It can 'feel' controlled, imprisoned, judged, diminished and constrained by the left side of the brain.  When these to sides are not working together we will likely have little peace in our lives.  We may go from being cheerful, positive, spiritual, accepting and playful people to then become rigid, inflexible, judgmental, blaming, rhetorical, intellectualising people and back again something's the swings are sudden.  These swings can occur over years, months, weeks, days or even hours and minutes.  There are many many excellent articles, books, videos and teachers on it all and it's one of my favourite subjects to learn about and to teach.  The most exciting thing for me was learning that it's all perfectly normal and does not make me, nor anybody else, less loveable.  I found in fact, that I have more love and compassion by learning this information.  

I believe the Ego is who I believe myself to be in this lifetime, based on what I've told myself about everything that I've experienced through my senses since I came into this life.  My ego predates my birth as it was already forming in the womb.  I'm also beginning to accept that my ego is made up of much older experiences to, that I'm learning to let go of with gratitude and ease.  I wonder at the wisdom of my Soul who led me down the path of experiencing the label of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) while I learned about what an ego is for me; how it's formed; what it's purpose is; and how I can reparent mine and integrate who I am into wholeness as I have now.  During that part of my journey through this life, I found faith in a Divine essence that I call God.  For me God is both male, female, and yet neither as well.  God is Love for me, nothing less and nothing more.  In all things, everywhere and I described It for a time as D.I.D.  I posed the question: "What if God has DID and we are all of the 'parts'?"  This helped both the right and left sides of my brain make sense of God and myself.  It also demystified my brain for me and made it easier to let go of the fear and terror I'd been carrying for my entire life, culminating in my ability to rebirth again last year, this time staying fully present and self-nurturing throughout the entire process.  Now I've been able to transcend all of the traumatic experiences I've had and find blessings in it all.  I have a strong faith and am devoted to God as I know IT.  Life is the sweetest it's ever been, even when things don't always feel great.  Now that I've even allowed myself to feel and release the energy of rage my own way, in my own time, I can feel the full spectrum of my emotions and know that I am safe.  It's more than okay to feel, it's enlightening.

RememberingUnity

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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