I used to find with a memory that would not switch off really traumatic.  No matter which moment I tried to participate in, memories of other moments would intrude unbidden.  I hated it so much, I was so sure that I was being tortured by my brain and I fought against it, hating my brain passionately for three and a half decades.  I judged myself as stupid and crazy and I told myself and everyone else this 'truth' as I had no clue how to change it.  I recall when I was 14, I was about to begin a math test and I was freaking out.  Suddenly the thought dropped in that I had memories of sitting in classes learning about the subject matter already so surely, if I'd learned the information it was in my brain somewhere?  I just accepted that knowledge in the moment and began the test.  As I wrote, memories came to the forefront of my mind to assist with each question.  I've trusted that ever since, although I still hated my brain for a long time after that.  I found myself stuffing my mind with information after I left school early.  Believing I was very stupid I left school at 15 with terrible grades.  I told myself menial labour was the best job I could hope for and just contented myself with digesting news, crosswords, books, newspapers, movies, conversations, and whatever else I could find to absorb.  I didn't understand why my brain held onto everything I experienced: lyrics from songs; conversations; things I'd read, heard, seen, tasted, felt and intuited.  It was as if my brain was a starving child that was overeating to compensate and, it never let go!!!!  I could recall anything and everything verbatim without notice for most of my life.

It would take me another thirty years to appreciate the magnificence of not only my own brain and mind but also those of everyone else.  As I learned and came to see my gift as a gift, I learned that I was experiencing symptoms of what is now commonly called PTSD or, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I came to learn how trauma of any kind can physically damage the hippocampal region of the brain and effect memory.  I also learned the brain can be healed.  As I set about healing my brain, believing it to be damaged because science said it was, I came to find a totally different reality - I was dissociated.  At first I thought I was a freak and tried to hide from it.  All those years I'd believed I was crazy, I'd still hoped on some level that I was wrong.  I didn't want to be crazy, gosh, I didn't even want to be me then.  As I worked on 'healing' my brain I began to see just what it could do and, I began to ask it for help.  I learned how to access my own unconscious and chose to treat it like a small child: with love, nurturing, age appropriate expectations and praise.  I began to trust my brain and "throw things out, in there" as I called it.  I just trusted that after everything I had experienced, some part of me must have the answer I need to any given situation.  My unconscious brain began unlocking all of its secrets to me and I flourished.  I learned the most important thing of all - how to keep myself safe - discernment.  I went to school and aced everything I touched and I learned to teach others which helped me to also learn it better myself.  While walking alongside others as they too learned, I found one of my greatest joys in this life and I blossomed like a lotus.  I gained entry to every compartment my brain had created, conscious and unconscious, and I learned to never enter any area without at least asking permission.  I learned internal boundaries while I learned external ones.  I learned first hand that what works within works without and vice versa.  I learned that there are patterns in everything, even me.  I also learned that every brain is capable of miracles and marvels and I've seen those miracles and marvels with my own two eyes.  Even more beautiful - I've felt each miracle and marvel like each had their own signature.

I've integrated enough of my brain now to be present.  Sometimes my mind wanders off inside itself but meditation is helping with that a lot.  Just recently I have begun receiving help in the form of a vision that calls my focus and helps me hold it in one place.  A lot of the traumatic memory is now gone.  It took 48 years and loads of work but in the end I actually got to see the 'why' of it all.  It wasn't about damage or trauma in the end, my brain was holding onto those memories because I asked it to.  There were so many stories tied up in those memories and I thought those stories were me.  They are not.  I am more than any story, I am more than a compendium of memories, I'm more than my experiences.  When I chose to allow myself to let go last year, to surrender my entire self and my life to God, I lost most of my brain functioning.  I could not even tell left from right for months and it really terrified me.  I had all the memories surface again unbidden and for a moment I despaired but I knew this time I could do it.  I knew I'd done this before and I knew I had all that I needed right within me.  I knew I needed this time to trust myself and I'm learning that even now.  My brain is returning to its normal, phenomenal capacity and the memories are now truly completed.  I've finally been able to see the blessings and feel gratitude and devotion for each one.  I've found more than forgiveness for myself and others and I feel more at peace than I ever have in my life before.  Those memories were keys and my key chain was overloaded but, like in a labyrinth, those memories were merely markers to lead me home - home to God.  Those memories, memories of every thought, feeling, experience and reaction I've ever had, have now brought me to life in a most fulfilling and glorious way.  Now the memories are in their rightful place, I turn my considerable energy and focus to devotion, serving as Love in the world.  Namaste.

RememberingUnity

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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