Surrender

Yesterday while driving to an appointment I had the massive realisation that I've spent 47 years hating my Soul.  In getting to know the different facets of my own ego and learning unconditional self-love over the past 12 years, I've met the light and the dark in myself.  I've found compassion, forgiveness, understanding, gratitude, purpose and strength within that diamond I could call my Self.  I have acknowledged and accepted facets of myself that I once hated, was terrified of, ran from and tried to disown completely, tried to kill through self-mutilation and multiple suicide attempts, and I have learned to love instead.  In doing this the way that worked best for me, I discovered facets of myself that were young, old, female, male, non-human, innocent, predatory, humble, autistic, manic, depressed, egoic, fragile, strong associated, dissociated and timeless.  Each facet presented with its own unique energy and name and I initially thought I was crazy.  Then I got real with myself and life started to improve.

Just because my gut gave me the information doesn't make that info wrong.  I've been blessed with psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, case workers and friends who have understood and supported my healing.  I've worked really hard to honour myself in this process and reach for a love the same as what I had for my children but had no idea I could find it for myself - unconditional love.  I used to pride myself on how non-judgmental I thought I was until I learned I wasn't.  I learned that I was one of the most judgmental people I knew and I was so horrified that I set out to change that. Again my ego began to preen over how non-judgmental I thought was and again I learned I wasn't.  Judging myself is still judgment and now, instead of trying to change it, I'm learning to love me anyway, just as I am.  Judging myself for judging is like fighting for peace - it's impossible.  The moment I begin fighting, I become the one who is destroying the peace.  The moment I begin trying to change myself, I am making judgments and then I'm in a vicious loop.  

Accepting who I am and loving me anyway is having a far more amazing impact on every aspect of my life.  I'm seeing more of the beauty in others, more miracles in my life, more kindness in the world and, I have so much more compassion, empathy and patience.  My understanding of things is changing at a remarkable rate and things that once made no sense to me at all are now very simple to digest.  I now delight in life and am even learning to have innocent fun.  Laughter now flows as freely as tears, I can find positives in anything, depression no longer exists within me, my body is healing illness and disabilities, plants and animals respond to me and I can see my own glow.  I finally feel free and it feels good.  Nobody set me free, I am learning to love what I used to judge in myself (and others).  

So there were all of these aspects of my Self that I once hated and can now love.  That, I have realised lately, is a form of deconstructing the ego with love, a form of surrender.  The ego is fear and cannot fight love.  Sure it can resist but it's futile because love always has more power than fear.  The ego doesn't believe that and tries to convince us that love has no power because the ego knows the power of love but cannot create that.  Only the Soul can provide the power of love.  Knowing this and knowing that my Soul and ego are equally important is making a huge difference for me.  I had thought that the embryonic me was the last aspect of myself that I could learn to love but I recognise that ego had a hand there.  I was stunned yesterday with the realisation that it's been my Soul that I hated all along.  My ego wanted me to believe that I hated every aspect of myself so I would not find this truth.  I feel really grateful to my ego for this because that part of my journey through life has taught me incredible things, brought me into contact with amazing people and, made Love my highest passion.  I've gained faith, trust, empathy, strength, courage, wisdom, knowledge, discipline and so much more from all this.  

My Soul is free now to be as much a part of me as I am of it and I have my ego to thank for that liberation.  I could easily focus on how many perceived obstacles my ego put in my way but that is part of the miracle, it was the obstacles, the misery, the suffering and the pain that made me want to make changes.  These are the very things that showed me just how much I can be outside my fears.  I choose to celebrate now.  I know now that I can choose my thoughts and my feelings and that choice can improve my life or destroy it, the choice is always mine.  I once believed I had no choices) as an adult or a child).  Now I know that I've always had choices, I was just terrified to own them.  Powerlessness is a choice too and the Soul has no concept of it, it does not recognise age, gender, terror, pain or anything else other than love and learning.  I love my Soul and now I accept it as part of me too.  There is no longer any facet of myself that I cannot love unconditionally too and that is a fabulous feeling that flows from me to the entire populace, I love you with that same unconditionality, and I love my ego too.

https://www.facebook.com/JhundiP/posts/1033383080071059:0

At+Onement 

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