About 12 years ago I sat wondering why one person could possibly have to experience so much pain in one lifetime. I was so immersed in the pain that I felt as if I couldn't possibly escape it so my mind did the only thing it could imagine - tried to justify the experiences. I meditated daily on it and what finally emerged was that there was almost no trauma that I could not empathize with. I had experienced so much first hand and supported so many friends with other things too that I suddenly realised I could use my experiences of pain to help others in some way but how? I set off on a journey of healing my own brokenness and shame and learning systemic education in order to be of more assistance - or so I thought.
I came to learn that as much as education matters, without intuition, love, passion and life-experience, it was just another piece of paper for my ego to puff up over. I began letting go of the need I had to tell myself I needed more education to help others. I also began helping others. I studied the curriculums necessary to serve in the areas that I did, I just stopped telling myself that I was worthless without a uni degree or a school certificate to do it with. I began to focus more on my intuition and came to realise just how helpful it had been in my life. After years of hating my mind, I began to acknowledge and appreciate what it can do too and already has done for me. The journey from there to here has been incredible.
Over the next 12 years, I got to know my own mind and celebrate it as it is. I found out some amazing and exciting things about the way my mind works and at Heal For Life Foundation (www.healforlife.com.au) I learned about neuroscience, attachment styles, transactional analysis, developmental stages, the history of trauma theories and how faith can assist in healing from trauma. I amassed over 10,000 hours of study and service there and I felt the peace of believing I had found my life's passion. I felt like I had found myself and was intent on serving the world that way for ever. Then forever changed.
During my journey of self discovery I had come to fully trust my intuition and my higher power, the God of my own understanding. For me, God is Love and Light and I have given myself to serve my God in whatever way I'm asked. When asked to build a portable house on someone else's land with no chance of knowing if I could stay, I meditated for weeks, discussed it with my partner and said yes. Although the bank only offered $27,000 as the building price, I knew I still needed to go ahead. A few months later when my dream appeared to end abruptly and painfully, I prayed hard for days and then I followed God. It was time to learn more and to let go again. I really struggled this time because I'd become so attached to my dream. I had felt so useful, passionate, devoted and inspired by what I was doing and I didn't want to let go at all. Luckily I had built up an enormous amount of faith and so I jumped. I took another huge, life-changing leap. And I'm okay. Even this blog has been borne of faith. I was once so afraid that I would not even share my phone number with friends! When I felt led to start this page I argued a little as it felt terrifying to me to open up like this to potentially the whole world but, as I meditated on it, I knew it's another gift of learning and growing so here it is.
There have been times in the past year when I thought I couldn't possibly get through. I got married right at ground zero and thank god that I did because that kept me going through the worst part of my breaking. As my ego began deconstructing, I had that net of loves bliss to land in and it saved me.
The biggest surprise to me is how the old pain from my past has led me through all this. Every time I thought I couldn't, my kind threw up a memory to show me that I already have. I've learned things that I did not previously know existed, about myself and the world. I've learned so much about who I AM and that the world is only reflecting back to me who I am and what I need. I've learned that my own judgments have created my suffering and that my pain was as Rumi calls it "the breaking of the shell of my understanding". I've finally found forgiveness and even gratitude for the other people I once accused of causing my pain, even as a child. That has been one of the most amazing and liberating things ice ever experienced. That pain is now gone completely and I feel so grateful for that.
Now I can be who I've always known myself to be, a loving soul.
I can't yet describe the depth of the gratitude and bliss that I feel for my life, pain and all. Maybe I'll never be able to describe that, maybe it's not meant to be put into words but is to be experienced and felt by each of us in our own way when the time is right.
Right now I know that everything has changed for me and I am happy serving my God in smaller ways while I rediscover myself at an entirely new level. Life will be what it will be and that's okay with me.
At+Onement
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