As a part of my journey to self-love aka life, I have made many changes to my life, particularly over the past year. The first and biggest change was to walk away from abusive behaviours so that I could see past my own ego. I know now that all I could see before was that other people were abusing me. What I see now is that I was abusing me and they were reflecting that for me. The fear of my ego would not let me see the truth until I surrendered the fear and jumped into it boots and all, surrendering to my faith. Once I made that leap, I became acutely aware of all the ways I was still not loving myself through judging, expectations, limitations, accusations, blaming others, pushing down feelings, getting sick, creating pain and dis-ease, ingesting poisons as food and drink, smoking and denying my own truth to gain approval. These are all forms of self-abuse that I could not see in myself and becoming aware of them has taken time, effort, determination and great love.
The minute I decided to walk away from the abusive behaviour of those around me, I saw that my smoking cigarettes was a way I was abusing myself too. I became ill immediately after quitting and smoked again after 10 days but my Soul had other ideas and, gave me someone else to blame so I could stop for good. Although blame is not ideal, at the vibration I was at then, it was the most helpful way for me to love myself enough to stop. I was still a victim to my own darkness and so blaming the tobacco companies for putting drugs into me that masked the effects of advanced disease was exactly what I needed to do to kick it for good. Once that particular mindset changed, a giant flood gate opened inside me and I was off and flowing. I felt insane for a while, feeling after feeling emerged for release and I nurtured each one like a mother tends a small child. I gave myself permission to lay on my bed and feel every feeling that arose, releasing the energy of it as soon as it surfaced. As scary as it sometimes was, it also felt fabulous to know that after 47 years, I was finally able to stay in the now when a feeling arose inside me.
After 12 years of solid healing, I could be fully in the present without judgment or fear. As each feeling presented and flowed through me, I was able to hold the space for myself, not drown in it, bring myself back from it and, congratulate myself afterwards while finding something adult to do also. Within weeks I felt a huge shift internally and was shocked to recognise I had integrated my brain. Integration does not only happen between hemispheres, it is a whole-brain process and, I had achieved it. At first I was terrified because all of the former aspects of my ego that I had relied on to tell me who I was were now gone. For one brief moment I was terrified but then I just knew it was integration and I marveled at what might be next.
During all this, I developed incredible pain in my jaw and teeth and after a disastrous trip to the dentist, realised there was no way I could afford for the dentist to help me. I asked my inner child what I needed to do and was told to stop eating meat. That made sense to me as the trouble was with my chewing teeth. I stopped eating meat of any kind on 1st January this year and my mouth settled down within weeks. I have since stopped eating all animal proteins, coffee and sweeteners too but, I do have a vegetarian pizza occasionally and a soy chai latte twice a week. I'm working on changing that too and my body is very very happy with me. I have lived with so much pain in my life until recently. I'm trying to drink more water and meditation is helping with that because during meditation I get so thirsty I can hardly breathe through the dryness of my mouth. I'm trying different teas and don't like the taste of black teas but I've now found white tea, nettle tea and detox tea which I'm loving. My sister made me a tea cosy (pictured above) so now my tea even stays warm in my frost-filled outdoor dining room.
In the past 11 months a whole new world view has opened up for me, I've weathered an existential crisis of epic proportions because it was time to learn to love myself to a new level so that I can be of more service in the world. I can think of no greater honour than loving humanity and I feel so grateful to have the opportunities I have had, the awakening that I have had. I know there's more and that will unfold in its own time. Right now I have this moment to enjoy so I am off to say good morning to my toothbrush and my chakra garden, 2 of my new best friends.
I hope you have a great day today and find another way to love yourself awake too. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
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