When I was 5, I lived in a caravan park with my mother, younger sister and younger brother. There was a small lake near our van and I often lay in the dirt beside the lake and looked up at the sky. I had only just begun attending church and as I lay there, I talked to God. I was positive they were two-way conversations and I drew great solace from each one. During the warmer days I often saw strands of white floating through the sky and soon came to learn that there were really tiny spiders at the end of each strand. Although I was afraid of spiders, I was also mesmerised by these flying webs and could not help but watch them floating by. Even now, over four decades later, I have fond memories of those fine white strands floating freely across clear blue skies.
Last night my husband asked me what I was thinking and, as I answered that I had a few strands of thought floating through my mind with no one thought very concrete, I saw the parallel to those webs from days gone by. Just like the webs, my thoughts float around freely now, not particularly forming anything solid unless I choose to attach to a thought and give it some form of life. Just like those old days at five years of age, I feel quite happy and peaceful to watch the tendrils of my thoughts float around the blue sky of my mind and not allow them to ground into my being at all. I am grounded into my being myself without grounding my thoughts in all the time too.
For decades my mind crammed itself with thoughts, doubling, tripling and even quadrupling the layers and layers of information, worry, stress, anxiety, fear, paranoia, concern, compulsion, conditioning, negativity and toxicity. I had no concept of how to stop it and did my best to just keep going and manage it as best I could. That didn't work and at 35 I collapsed under a tidal wave of psychological and mental detritus. I had never learned how to let go of any thought and had in fact by then, trained myself to remember EVERYthing. Back then I could remember every conversation, everything I said, saw, felt, tasted, smelled and more - lyrics to every song, every birthday of every loved one, every phone number, every word, every letter of every word, every name, every book, every film, every trauma, every abuse, every moment and every memory. My throat chakra was in total control and nothing got past it at all - I think it actually all set there like concrete around my thyroid. My mind was so exhausted, but I didn't know another way to be. I couldn't stop it and I didn't understand it, nor did I know it could change. Then I fell and everything went haywire, especially my poor thyroid.
I've worked very hard since then to make the changes I've learned how to make. Being able to observe my thoughts and feelings and choose what to attach to is so empowering. I don't have to avoid myself anymore because now I can be grounded into my being and not be completely overwhelmed. Like the webs in the sky, there are tiny, living entities at the end of each strand of my consciousness but I am their creator and I am now unafraid. I know that I get to choose. Remembering those really tiny spiders floating on their webs has given me fresh hope. The more fearful I grew of what was at the end of those webs back then, the less I marvelled in the floating visions of beauty I had cherished so much. Such is my choice now and I'm aware of it as an adult, I know I have the choice. I'm not afraid and in fact all of the fears I once had are dissolving, turning over within me to reveal pearls of wisdom and Grace.
I'm so very grateful to my throat chakra 'Vishudda' for all the work it has done trying to keep me safe. I'm even more grateful that it can now begin to rest and work as part of an internal team instead of needing to run the show alone. I'm also grateful to all of the spiders who have helped so much with my healing. The terror I once clung to is all but gone now as I allow the gifts of each moment to be as they are. Mother of all - your feet I fall. Jai Maa
https://www.facebook.com/JhundiP/posts/1040589499350417:0
At+Onement
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