Yesterday I connected with a friend and it was a really nice experience. I am continually amazed at how different everything about my life feels now. In his incredible book, "Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma", Peter A Levine talks about the 'felt sense' and has exercises included to assist in engaging this sense. I first read his book years ago as part of my training and wondered what he meant as it didn't quite sink in for me at the time. I think I needed the invaluable information he'd written right then more than I needed to feel this sense. It's one book that I keep re-visiting and recommending to other people with a history of trauma.
Today I understand what he means by 'felt sense' and for me it means being able to experience life fully present in my own body - being grounded. While visiting my friend, I was very aware of everything happening within and without, aware of so much more than I used to be. For years I was hypervigilant but this is different. The awareness I have now feels like the wonder a newborn might have. I am experiencing a gentle awe and reverence for life most of the time now. My friend surprised me with a pretty little pram for my baby doll self and tears of gratitude sprang to my eyes immediately that I saw it. Thoughts flowed easily through my mind and the only thought I chose to grab was "thank you". In those two words, my gratitude poured in and out of me at once, thanking creation as me for the gift of life and love. The shards of doubt that attempted to prick at my ego fell on deaf ears for once as I accepted the gift with as much love and grace as it was given to me. I was in the presence of two very loving people because I now am able to fully open up to and embrace feeling the beautiful, life-affirming energy that people like them bring into this world just by being themselves.
There have been many times I've thought that I'm weird for doing the baby doll exercise but I just smile at myself now. After 5 different dolls reflecting different facets of my infant self, I now am able to completely embody who I am. This exercise has been every bit as valuable to me as anything else I've done and today I can 'feel' joy at being alive. I feel that joy most days now, at a cellular level, in my dna, in my genes. It's a grounded joy, not an overwhelming, need to be grounded kind. It's a gentle-childlike-almost-exuberant-but-thankful-joy-that-wants-to-wonder-at-every-moment-and-still-knows-I'm-a-grownup-with-responsibilities joy. It's an I-love -life-and-I-love-being-me joy that holds me to the earth and lifts me to the sky while I breathe. It's an all-embracing-life affirming-take-me-as-I-am joy that I didn't know was possible until recently.
Yes I experienced trauma and abuse over 35 years and it was horrendous. Yes I hurt a lot and had a massive amount of healing and yes there were times when I really raged at how unfair it all was. Now I have finally learned what my Soul wanted me to know in all that and the energy that fills me now is such a reward for the suffering I saw that as. This me that I am now is what I almost never dreamed I could be for all those years. This me that I am now is innocent and alive, loved and loving. This me is real and loves the realness in others. I've got work to do on confidence and I'm okay with where I'm at. I'm not pushing, directing or rushing anything because I'm unfolding beautifully by simply allowing the process of life to move me. Yes I need an income, yes I need to serve the world and yes I cannot stay as I am forever in all ways. This moment though, is for celebrating life. This moment is all I will ever have for right now and I am present in this moment as myself, with no history and no future. This moment is all of who and what I am and I love me exactly as I am. This baby doll exercise has brought me home and in this moment and I'm happy to be home. I hope you have a great day too.
RememberingUnity
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