Day 21/21
I made it! After 5 other dolls in 7 years, I have been able to make it all the way through 21 days without stopping! Not only am I aware of how much more I love, trust and respect myself than ever before, I can feel it too. I am sure I hadn't made it all the way before because it wasn't time. I've always had huge success with this baby doll exercise, the healing I've experienced is phenomenal every time. As with most deep healing, it's not all rainbows and sunbeams, a lot of painful things arise that need attention, acknowledgement and safe expression. I've spent years becoming strong enough and compassionate enough to be able to parent myself through this and it's feeling pretty amazing right now.
Over the past 11 months, all of the old memories that I still had any attachment to on any level, surfaced again for completion. This time I was able to feel the associated feelings in the moment because I ensured I wasn't too busy or distracted to do that. This was the period of time I have been able to gift myself the beauty of living in the moment. No matter what emotion activated, I allowed it to flow and pass through me - my body, my mind, my energy field; no attachment. I imagine that's what life is always like for many but it has not been like that for me before this year. I feel so much peace around this gift I have given to myself. Yes a lot of miserable moments popped in and this time, I am able to flip them all and find the Soul lesson in each one, finally seeing a positive in each one. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would one day find positives in the experiences of my life, I would never have believed that. Now I know that none of it defines me and that I can overcome and rise above absolutely anything that life holds for me. I also believe the hard part is over now and it was actually only hard because I saw it that way.
Yesterday I had a moment and I started to feel upset but as a tear filled my eye, I immediately started to flip it and ask myself what the positive was. After years of practice, I love it so much when my beloved brain automatically seeks the good in my experiences or feelings, for me it's like confirmation that my work is getting me somewhere that I want to go. These are like signs of success so that I can rise even higher into my life's bliss. Being able to remember the black abyss of depression and see how far I've come since being at the bottom of that hole is actually inspiring to me now. Just as so many people I've met have inspired me to keep going, I'm now also inspiring myself.
For a time, in order to wrap my head around what an Inner Child even is, I needed to external use it. I needed to project the Child me out so I could see it as real, see myself as real in fact. Starting with looking at photos of myself as a child helped me to imagine that I ever was a child. I had always felt so old and never remembered being a little kid so I had no connection at all to that part of myself once and therefore no compassion. The photos helped me learn to visualise the Child within and then helping others find and build a relationship with their own Inner Child helped me to strengthen my relationship with mine. I then created an Inside/Outside box and found ways to make the child parts of me real and external while also beginning to accept the unity that must exist in that relationship too. I and my Inner Child are one and the same being. Having a baby doll to physically hold, look at and speak words of love and affirmation to was pivotal for me and this latest baby doll, made off my own baby photo, has had the most amazing impact of all.
The recommended 21 days are up today but this baby me is now who I am too. The doll will stay in my life and I will continue to love and accept myself on every level. I am sure more muck will rise to the surface and I am ready and grateful for the opportunity I now have to complete the healing cycle of each piece and finally let it all go.
Thank you baby June, you're a star and I love you - and thanks all of you who joined me for the past 21 days and sent so many messages of encouragement. It takes a community to raise a child and that means an Inner Child too.
At+Onement
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