Day 20/21
As the scheduled time for the baby doll exercise draws to a close I'm reflecting on how hard I have fought against myself during my life. I have had so much intuition assisting me and have fought it so determinedly for so long. Up until the age of 35, I outright rejected intuition as something ridiculous at best. Since then I've learned to acknowledge intuition and value it highly but not to really honour it through consistent attention and trust. Yesterday I cried for all those times my intuitive guidance tried to help me and I ignored it. I'm choosing to forgive myself for that and not to self-blame. It is what it is and I have always tried hard so there is nothing to forgive, just an awareness to absorb into myself. I used to think that intuition was self-love and that self-love was narcissism. Because of this I have struggled at times to be as loving with myself as I can easily be with others. When I first received divine guidance to create this blog, I felt scared and anxious about sharing myself and my experiences like this. I was hesitant to open up to the world in such a private way and I sat with it for weeks, praying over the purpose of it and wondering whether or not it was God or my ego trying to guide me. Fortunately, I know how differently divine energy feels from ego for me so I had to acknowledge the message I was given and go ahead. Fear or not, I trusted there was some purpose to it all and the clear message was: "all you have to share with the world is you so share that." I spent 15 years helping my birth family survive, another 16 years taking care of a husband and kids and then 12 years supporting survivors of childhood trauma in various ways, all while trying to survive and thrive myself. I want to serve in the world and I have no attachment to how so for today sharing myself is it. I do believe that I cannot take anyone to places I am not prepared to go to myself. I long ago pondered why one person would have so many diverse and adverse experiences as I have had but I found peace in realising that there is not much I am unable to empathize with. In healing the pain of my own trauma, particularly through working with the inner child, I am healing in my own way which is what I believe everyone has the right to do.
There are so many modalities of healing in the world today, each one fabulous in its own right but, I don't believe there is a one-size-fits-all way to heal or grow. We are all so very unique and individual and although at times our egos may want to control, judge and label everything and make everything and everyone the same, we are all different so it's not going to work. We can choose to share or not share what works for us and others can choose whether or not to use it themselves. That for me is the true beauty of free will - being able to choose what feels right for me, knowing and allowing that everyone else has the same right. I reached a point in my healing where I wanted to help others and realised that if I stopped healing myself, that is as far as I could guide others to.
Considering that I want to help in any way I'm needed, I figured I need to not stop healing myself so I can go anywhere I'm needed, anytime, for anyone. I won't stop. I will do whatever it takes to be a healer, to help others as I've been helped, to guide others into their own sense of self so they too can choose to embark on the journey from head to heart if they wish. I can walk alongside any person with any pain and not shy away and I can love enough now to walk into the darkest pit, hold someone's hand and walk out again knowing we are both safe and loved. I know I can do that because I'm doing it for myself as I've done it for so many others and I don't think I'm anything special for doing it. I simply believe it's what my purpose in life is.
I have had no harsher critic than me and even that is now a blessing as I have learned so much from that too. Now I'm learning how to be my own ally, friend and supporter and this baby doll exercise is helping so much with that. I learned great tools while volunteering at LifeLine Australia and while volunteering and working at Heal For Life Foundation www.healforlife.com.au (where I learned about the baby doll exercise). Now I'm learning more great tools at Shanti Mission www.shantimission.orgthat are helping me to grow even more.
There are so many roads that each of us can take in life and every moment is a choice containing more choices. I really believe that we each need to make the choices that feel right for us in the moment we make them and not beat up on ourselves if they don't work out the way we want them to. That's as much a part of the learning as anything else. No matter what behaviour we've learned, we can un-learn too and I love that I can learn and unlearn as much as I want to. What I'm learning right now is that I really do only have myself to share with this world and there are no limits to the number of ways I can do that. Right now writing is the way I choose and that is okay, in the new moments that tomorrow or other lifetimes bring, I may use a different form of expression and that's okay too. I'm happy to follow divine guidance and not create expectations around it. I've done enough judging to last me 2000 lifetimes and now I'm content to just love life, myself and all of creation. I love the messages of thanks I get each day and I feel so grateful that so many people are finding this page helpful to them. I also totally understand that there are other people who get nothing from it. That's the beauty of the Internet for me, there is so much available that we each have more choice than ever before and, we can pick and choose to our hearts content.
In my choosing to love my own self and share that journey with you, I have reached a place inside that I didn't know existed. A place where peace is the only feeling possible. A place where nothing is real but love and nothing can shake that certainty. It's a place I have visited but don't yet live in and I love that I can even make a choice around that. Thank you for inspiring me to inspire you through simply being myself and sharing that each day. I hope you know that you're making a difference in my world just by reading this post. Thank you. Bless you. Namaste.
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