On day 6/21 of the baby doll exercise I find myself reflecting on how cold, hard and unconnected I was to myself for so many decades. I forgive myself for that completely. I really did not know any differently. I treated myself as I perceived that I had been treated by others, I hated myself as much as I perceived that others hated me, I abused myself the way that I perceived that others abused me and I had no time, love or patience for myself which also reflected back to me from those around me. I forgive those others and I forgive me. Learning who I am has been the single most grueling, rewarding and eye-opening thing I've ever done. Getting to know me has torn my world apart more than once, taken me to heights and depths I never knew existed. Getting to know myself has been just as incredible a journey as all the ancient myths and legends promised it could be. Knowing who I am has almost killed me and it has saved me too.
For 35 years I treated myself with coldness, contempt, disdain, malice, hatred, apathy and venom. I did everything I could to not exist but Love for others kept me going. Each time my Love died, someone else would come along for me to love. I did not know that was just life reflecting me back through those people, that my eyes could only see myself in them. I loved them and hated me so I couldn't see myself at all, in anything or anyone.
Now that I love me, I can see so much TO love about me. I forgive myself for ignoring and abandoning myself for so long. I forgive myself for hating myself so much. I forgive myself for trying so hard to murder myself. I forgive myself for whipping myself to be anything other than who I am. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be abused by others so that I could justify my own self hatred. I forgive myself for staying small and powerless in the hopes that I could cease to exist. I forgive myself for not knowing who I truly am. I forgive myself for trying not to be part of my own body and cutting off from my feelings completely. I forgive myself for judging myself, hating myself and devaluing myself. I forgive myself for not believing anything good about myself for so long.
I am not the same me anymore. I have come to understand and know who I am, who I have always known deep in my heart that I am. I still have moments of doubt and fear but I can be kind to myself while I experience those moments and use them to learn more about me now. There is nothing I need to beat up on myself for, there never was, that was all an illusion. No one hated me or abused me more than I hated and abused myself. Sure I allowed myself to believe they did but that was another way I could keep myself small and powerless, that was ego not wanting to open up and surrender to Love. I forgive myself for hating my ego so that it could stay in the Shadow and grow so big it blocked the Light of who I am. I forgive myself for attracting big, concealed and unhealthy egos to me so I could one day see my reflection in them too. I forgive myself for being blinded by fear and unconsciousness.
I can choose Love or fear in every moment and I need mindfulness to do that. I no longer need to do what others suggest, follow the crowd, look to experts or discount myself. I can listen, read, learn and be grateful for information and feed it all through my own heart to find what fits for me and let go of anything that doesn't. My own mind, body, energy and spirit knows what I need and tells me all the time if I only pay attention. What a fabulous system and companion I am for me.
I pray that we can all learn to attune to ourselves mindfully and allow the Love inside to overcome our fears and self doubts, our self hatred and our Shadows and spill out onto the world like beautiful healing rainbows. My action step for today is to really pay attention and listen to what my body has to say to me. To love my body with patience, trust, acceptance and respect. It has brought me through excruciating pain, healed disabilities and much worse, I think it knows the way to wellness better than I ever could have known before - I'm sorry body, please forgive me and thank you body, I love you.
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