Day 10/21 - wow! I can't believe I'm already half way through this #babydollexercise. The time is flying by and I already know I will not just stop and abandon her/myself at the end of the 21 days. Last night as I lay with her in my arms, looking at the tiny features of my face as a baby right there before me, I wept again. So much #gratitude for the tiny being I once was who had so much #strength, #courage, determination, #love, #light, endurance, #faith and trust, so much innocence, so much #life. I've gone through so many feelings over the past 12 years in accepting and learning to love every part of myself but this feeling of immense gratitude to the baby me is something else entirely. What an amazing life I've had and even though for so much of it, I could only perceive it in darkness, my heart still held very tightly to love to lead me back to the light. I believe that baby me brought the truth of who I am into this life and guarded that secret for me until I was ready to not only receive it but to step forward and claim it too, to accept the honour of receiving it from her.
I was reflecting this morning upon waking, on how grateful I am to not have had a #clusterheadache for 3 years now. This led me to looking for a moment at what positive or blessing I might have gained from those headaches. I saw all the times I got out of bed in total darkness because I had awoken in excruciating pain, wanting to scream and cry out for help. I saw how instead, I had silently slipped from the room, walked through the house, meditated, taken medication, done breathing or yogic exercises, huddled, cried alone silently, and all in total darkness because I never turned a light on. I didn't want to disturb my sleeping husband or children. I didn't want my pain to impact on their sleep too. I could read a lot into that but what came to me this morning was that even in my worst moments, I was still trying to love and those headaches, which made me so keenly aware of myself to the point of self-absorption, also had the effect of making me keenly aware of others. It could have been so easy to forget anyone else exists or suffered from my pain but not for me. My heart has never let me do that, and for that I am grateful.
Now that I'm focused on this #gratitude, my mind is generously and excitedly throwing up all kinds of delightful memories of times when I put love for others before my own pain. A lot of those times I thought I was martyring myself because that was an old tape playing from #childhood but I wasn't, I truly care and love more than my mind can comprehend sometimes and that's wonderful. I've copped so much flak for that and I recognise those people were reflecting my own judgment of myself back to me. I remember in my journey to #forgiveness of my mother that no matter how far I sank into anger, hatred, judgment and stunned disbelief at the memories of old pain, I still clung tightly to the hope that one day I could love my mother tenderly too. I remember people reacting very angrily to that hope when I shared it out loud and I'm grateful. Those reactions showed me the mirror I needed to see so that I could explore my own judgments about my hope. It was me who thought I was stupid and crazy for even having that aspiration but the reactions of those people also strengthened my resolve to be the person who could reach that goal, who could love that much. Now that I have reached it, now that I love my mother and am grateful that she is my mother, I can't describe how good I feel about myself.
That little baby that came into this world as me is one hell of a phenomenally loving being and I am so looking forward to any other pain, darkness or memories that surface so I can finally see the light in them too.
#followforfollow #healing #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction#photooftheday
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