It's now day 4 of my doll exercise and it's been eye-opening so far. The first moment I held her I cried in recognition. It felt like I'd found myself in my own arms. Having an open and honest conversation with the doll artisan, she shared fragments of her own journey that turned out to be similar to some of my own and helped me understand myself even more. I cried again. It was so validating to speak with another human being who has experienced those particular things. Day 2 saw me laying with this baby in my arms wondering how on earth I could ever have hated or even not loved anything as sweet, precious and valuable as my Self. More tears and some Ho'oponopono this time. I held her for hours and allowed myself the comfort of just etherically bonding with her. On Day 3 we went out into the chakra garden. I introduced her to the plants and beds and then sat her in a chair while I worked. My husband and I made a new fence and gate, weeded, planted and watered while 'Baby June' looked on. She then went for a nap while we cooked dinner. Today I laid again with her on my bed and looked into those beautiful eyes allowing the feelings to surface anew.
I've had so many realisations since she came, especially about my body. It's as if some of the symptoms I have had during the past 40 weeks were the same as symptoms I had when I was expecting my kids. Weird or not, I've had immune system sensitivity, exhaustion, weight gain, a compulsion to only consume unprocessed and unsweetened plant-based foods, amenorrhea, my hair rejected hair dyes, my senses became extremely acute and I got baby-brain for a few weeks too. I also acquired a 'glow'. Although I know most of this is also linked to other things like the trauma I experienced last year too, I am still intrigued by the similarities between my real pregnancies and this 'spiritual maternity leave' I've had.
This is not my first time doing the baby doll exercise. During the past 12 years, I've work with a passion to learn how to love myself. For me that has meant getting to know who I am on every level and not just the parts of myself that I or others find 'acceptable' and 'nice'. I have explored every facet of my ego that has presented itself to me, from the me I believed myself to be at the moment I thought my first conscious thought to the me I believed myself to be at the moment of my conception. From the aspect of me that was terrified of being a tiny defenseless female newborn to the robust mature male newborn I decided to energise within me instead. From the terrified victim to the empowered student. From the survivor to the persecutor. From male to female and young to old; from ageless to non-human; From the brightest light to the darkest shadow and phobias, I have explored and embraced every aspect of my being as it presented, with the intention to love it (me) unconditionally no matter how long that takes me. I've met parts of my ego that terrified me and I wondered how I would ever love that but helping other people made it work because I didn't judge them for having similar ego states to mine so I then learned to not judge me too.
Last year I had got to the point where I had a large internal family that I thought of as a 'metropolis', 50 unique and distinct parts of my ego that supported my conscious knowledge of who I was and assisted me on getting to know who I am and what I do and don't like. 15 years ago I did not have that knowledge about myself so I'm grateful for it now. That time spent getting to know, accept and love myself was very worth it and now I'm doing it on a whole new level. Now I'm getting to know my Soul Self. My inner family showed me about 7 years ago that this would happen, that this baby me was on the way and that I was, at that time unable to keep myself safe with that.
I am now ready and my inner family stepped aside through brain integration last year so I could go on this inner journey to meet my baby soul self and start the process anew. I knew it was coming, I knew I could do it, I knew that although all of my friends would vanish I would not be alone. I knew that my husband and my God would be with me and in that time I have been led to amazing feelings, awareness, people and experiences that I would once never have been able to imagine. After having no sense of smell for most of my life I can now smell acutely. After years of not feeling cold, I now freeze a lot; after never ever feeling thirsty for over 47 years, I now feel parched and dry a lot; I now feel pain in my body again and sometimes wonder why I'm doing all this. I see the most spectacular colours now that blow me away every day. I feel the most intense feelings course though me with total ease to transmute into gratitude and bliss. I have found a level of Soul gratitude even for the most horrid experiences of abuse that I endured in my past. I have embraced my real self instead of the 'nice' self that played me to the world. I have also gained a totally new understanding for the world and have a depth of compassion I did not know existed before it happened to me.
Right now I have moments of infancy. I have not let go of being an adult or of being responsible, I am merely giving myself the same honour that I brought my children into the world with. I am on maternity leave from my life while I give my Soul Self the best possible start that I can. I think it's the least I can do for myself after how amazingly brave and committed I have been and after the hell I put myself through in my mindlessness. Not everyone can turn away from the world they know for love and I love me that much now. I once turned away from the world I knew because I thought my kids were worth it. I thought I could turn away and become someone my kids could be proud of, now I think I'm worth that too. In fact I don't just think I'm worth it, I know that I'm worth it.
#love #light #innerchild #soul #angels #mindfulness #gratitude #healingtrauma #healingdepression #selflove #inspiration #quote #selfworth #inspiringquotes #spirit #ascension #awakening #raiseyourvibration #spiritualhealing #neuroscienceinaction#transactionalhealing #ego #egostates
No comments:
Post a Comment