I've read a lot of research on a lot of things and knowing the research has helped me learn to trust myself. Now that I can trust myself more, I can let go of the need to prove that everything my heart tells me is right or real for me. I've read research that says whatever we believe is what our brains believe is real. So if I believe I am a unicorn, my brain can't tell the difference between real and make-believe so I will be a unicorn. Other people might laugh at me, tease me, doubt me and try to change me but only my own beliefs can make that change in my brain. By holding tight to my own belief, I get to stay a unicorn. It might sound unbelievable but there is a lot of ways to look at it too. For thousands of years many people have believed in their own choice of religion and I'm not doubting them or their religion. By believing in their religion so strongly they have ensured that those religious beliefs are real for their brain. No matter what the rest of the world believed the outcome to be, those people who believed in their religion drew great comfort, guidance and hope from their beliefs. They have been able to look outside themselves and inside themselves to find the essence of their existence. Because we each develop at our own pace, this exploration has had different impacts, has appeared differently to others, has changed the world repeatedly and, has actually opened the door for all of us to also hold onto our own beliefs. I know for me, that my beliefs have changed dramatically over the course of my life and I would hate to be defined now by the beliefs I had as a 17 year old or when I was 26. My beliefs have changed vastly since I was 4 as life has taught me invaluable lessons about myself and the world.
Right now today, my heart has led me to follow research that says I can heal the neurons and neural pathways in my brain by spending quality time with a baby doll that I believe is me, for 20 minutes each day over 21 days. This could be described as me believing I am my own nurturing mother for 20 minutes a day. I've done this exercise many times in the past and had fabulous results. Until yesterday, I had 5 different baby dolls that have helped me heal in their own way. I needed 5 different dolls because of my beliefs about myself and the world... According to different theories of research, our psyche, or ego, can develop fractures in childhood so that we don't have an integrated belief about who we are. This is what I experienced and so, the first time I tried this baby doll exercise, I could only work with the doll that represented the baby I believed myself to have been. Because of my beliefs about myself, that baby doll was perfect for me in that moment and as I did the exercise each day, I began to change my beliefs about myself. I began to allow myself to be more real with myself and to stop hiding in my own shadow, afraid of how imperfect I was. I also began to learn to trust myself.
My next baby doll came because I realised that at a slightly different stage of my infancy, I needed a different type of nurturing and my psyche was not yet comfortable accepting all of the aspects of who I believed myself to be. I still needed to believe that I was never a defenseless, powerless baby as I was not yet equipped to feel the full extent of those feelings. I then kept using the doll exercise as I discovered the masculine energy I had at birth and then I soon felt the urge to find baby June. That was a whole journey of its own. By then I had learned to trust myself enough to listen with my heart to what I needed in order to heal my pain.
I struggled to work with 'baby June' at first. Maybe it felt too real or maybe the time was so right, it doesn't matter. The struggle that I encountered was healing too and my tenacity won with my belief in myself becoming more and more positive as time went on. I went from hating and mutilating myself for most of my life to wanting to give myself the whole world because I am worth it, in the space of 12 years. I've been working with the dolls for about 7 of those years. I have not only used this doll exercise and have not only done it for 21 days. For me, the dolls are screens that I can project myself (my inner child) onto. With the doll, I get to hold my inner child in my arms, gaze into her (my) eyes and speak words of love and devotion. I've had massive shifts of consciousness on many occasions doing this which feels more real than any research ever has for me.
About 6 years ago while working with all of the fractured pieces of my ego, getting to know who I was at every level and learning to love whatever I found, I saw my future. I saw a golden child within me that glowed so brightly, I was blinded and mesmerized by the beauty of the light. The other parts of my ego told me that I could look but not touch as I could not yet be trusted to keep that innocence safe from harm. I made a choice right then that whatever it took, I was going to become that person. According to research, I made the choice that day to become my own secure attachment figure. According to research, although I once had a disorganized attachment style, I can gain 'earned secure attachment' and, in that moment I believed I could. I believed that I could become the one warm, consistent, loving and available parent to myself that research has shown every child needs.
I've worked really hard to that end and yesterday, as I held this new baby in my arms and looked into her eyes, I cried tears of joy and wonder. I felt so sad that I could ever have believed I was anything other than a miracle of life. I forgave myself for all the beliefs I had once held about myself that are not true. I allowed myself to believe that baby doll was the tiny, newborn me and that I loved her with all my heart and I had amazing healing yesterday. I can feel myself glowing, growing, expanding and developing. I can feel the multi-dimensional and fractal changes occurring and I can accept all of who I am. I have learned to love those old unacceptable parts of who I am with complete unconditionality so that last year I integrated and became whole enough to be present for myself. I'm safe enough to hold my own Light now, to learn to stand in the highest truth of who I really am. I've let go of most of the old, limiting beliefs I wore like armour while I went through the development that I alone have needed to go through and I am changing my beliefs again. I see myself reflected in all things and in you and I love what I see. I can look into my own soul and not shrink back in shame or fear because I can love all of me now.
I can think of no one else I'd rather be or be with right now than me. This stage of my development is as crucial as any other and it has required huge sacrifice but I'm worth it and it feels really good to see myself through that belief.
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