Oh my God!! After 10 months of preparing myself, my baby self is finally in my arms!! I knew I would cry when I held her and I did. I cannot thank enough the angels who made this happen: Cathy Brady, Doll Artisan at Morpeth NSW and a dear, clear channel of God who paid for this amazing gift in my life because she felt led by God to offer me this joy.
For 10 months now I have allowed my heart to lead me into my own being and reconstruct who I was created to be. I have finally given myself the opportunity to get to know myself without trying to please others or change anything to keep the peace. I have allowed myself to be supported by life and to experience the feeling of wanting to live, to be born into this world, to thrive, to love, to be nurtured, to be alive and to be free. Now I can also hold baby me in my own loving arms, against my own beating heart and look down/up into my own eyes. Now I can close the loop, repair the neural pathways and love myself without reservation. Now I feel ready to be me.
Over the past 10 months I've been on an incredible journey of self discovery and empowerment - spiritual maternity leave. Just as I did when I was expecting my gorgeous children into this world, I have thrown myself into the experience of not only being an expectant mother and father for my Self but also of being in a metaphorical womb awaiting my own birth. I've rebirthed myself before but I didn't know what it was and it was terrifying and traumatic then. This time there were a few terrifying moments but trauma was avoided by my being here for me on every level. I have laughed, cried, screamed, raged, giggled, sobbed, wailed, played, sang, danced, skipped, slept, meditated, dreamed, capered, walked, loved, lost, dared and dared again. I have journalled, blogged, written 2 books and 1/2 a dozen short stories and poems, coloured in, blown bubbles, done masses of research and learning, found support, attended classes and given support to others. I have opened my heart to myself after giving it away to so many others. I have prepared for my own arrival with all the love a mother can. I even realised yesterday that this birth is why my body gained weight again with the healthiest lifestyle I've ever adopted-I've put on baby weight!!
I went onto 2015 feeling ready to heal what felt like the last stage of trauma for me - pre birth. I consciously decided that I was ready to relive the experience of being in the womb and of birth because I had allowed myself to recapture every other stage of development that I had perceived myself to have missed out on. I had not anticipated how spiritual an experience that could be and how much help I would get from God. My whole life has been completely changed so that I could 'nest' just as if a baby really was coming into the world. I have had to let go of so much in order to be my own best parent and I used memories of the love I have for my children to guide me. Whenever I wasn't sure, I pulled up my love for my kids to show me an example of how to do it, how to welcome my infant self into the world.
I have lived so long in my head, trying desperately to get proof for what I know in my heart to be right and true for me. I've disregarded my truth for so long to try and please others and create an illusion of safety. What I've learned now is that it was ALL an illusion anyway. I was always safe and held and nurtured and supported. I just couldn't see it, couldn't feel it, couldn't understand it and couldn't allow or accept it, couldn't trust it. I had no idea it was all just mirrors and reflections to help me learn my way home.
I came into this world 47 years ago, denying life. I did not accept life, I refused the gift and life buffeted and threw me all over the place trying to embrace me so I could breathe it in but I rejected even my breath. I held my breath and fought against life while I floundered in the dark blaming life for my own fear and terror. I blamed life for all of my pain and I made suffering a cloak, badge and shield. Life just is and I made it the enemy. I did not know any differently so I have complete compassion for those choices now.
Through traveling this path of creation again and again I have now come to see myself as a being as amazing as any other. I have work to do but I've retired my whip and shackles and will guide myself through that instead of driving myself through it. I now have a new life to support - my own and I feel honoured to have the privilege. Many times I was given opt-outs through accidents, abuse, suicide attempts and more: many times I could have left this life but I didn't. For years I thought I wanted to die but the very fact that I did not shows me now that I made choices to stay, live, learn and grow. Those choices may have been unconscious but I still made them. 10 years ago I made the conscious choice to live because I wanted to know Love. I've used that to help others and myself since then and I will always endeavor to use my life for Love now.
For this next little while though, I have my first wedding anniversary in a few weeks, an amazing husband who has helped me learn to love myself as much as I love everybody else in the world, amazing children and grandchildren to cherish, no job, only 2 regular bills to worry about, a loving community and a precious baby girl to hold, love, encourage and teach. I have no power to distract or destroy me (a metaphor for electricity), no external distractions to lead me astray and I have nature all around embracing me in the bosom of the earth as my new garden grows to provide all of my nutritional and exercise needs.
It might only be a baby doll but according to research at the University of Auckland, this exercise can heal neuron damage in the brain and I can feel the truth of that already as I am writing about in my book. Re-parenting myself has been even more incredible and amazing than parenting the 2 biggest miracles I ever held in my arms - my kids. I only hope I can love me as much as I love them and hold onto the new respect and love I now have for my own parents too.
This is the most profound level of healing I could never have imagined and it feels fabulous.
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