Day 11/21

Day 11/21

Last night as I held my baby doll in my arms I found my arm began aching with the weight of her tiny head. It felt so heavy and solid and my arm beneath felt bruised.  In wondering why, I am drawn to the almost constant ache in my own jaw that I have these days.  I have known for a long time that I have a huge amount of energy and when I thought I knew what my purpose was, I found outlets for that energy.  I learned to listen to and accommodate my body's needs in the ways it requested of me, instead of trying to make it do what I thought it should, based on other peoples opinions.  During the past 10 months, so much has changed that it has been almost a full time job to keep up with those changes.  It's been at times terrifying, amazing, frustrating and miraculous and I have reached a totally different level of awareness.  

I feel very fortunate to have found help and support in traversing this new bridge in life and as always, I'm loving learning new tools.  I long ago reached an acceptance around change that still holds me in good stead - that each change, large or small, has developmental stages for me to go through.  The developmental stages of my childhood are still active and relevant with each change and, although not always identically powerful, I can still draw on the wisdom of each stage. Take now for example: now is a bit extreme and I have not had to go through this intense a change in 12 years which I'm okay with because I was prepared.  Because of the intensity and totality of this change - my whole world flipped on its head and my life began again, I'm in an infant stage and am attaching symbiotically to myself and to life this time.  Because I've done so much healing of past wounds, and have developed   healthy Parent and Adult ego states now, I don't need to be only 'Child' as I was at my birth.  

When I went through this 12 years ago, I was suicidal and psychotic because I had no concept of what was happening to me and so I fell.  I believe now that it needed to happen exactly as it did so that I could not only get to now but also to know what to expect now too.  What I went through in the past has prepared me for now and being able to nurture myself through this without panicking as much or medicating myself away from life.

I learn new tools every week to help me grow and release the energy I have been trying to carry for so long.  In the past I had found a way to physically release the energy that really helped.  As I did that work, my energy became lighter and expanded to an amazing level which most people around me became afraid of so there began a new ending.  The door that has opened since has been a much heavier door to open for a while but now it's done.  The hinges are oiled, the jamb is squared, the only obstruction around it is anxiety that grows smaller each minute.  As I step through the doorway of my future into the golden sun of self-love, I feel a oneness with all - an 'at-onement' that I knew and trusted would be here for me when I arrived.

My baby dolls head feels lighter today and with the wind howling through the trees today, I walk out into the freezing bathroom outside.  Freezing or not, I feel grateful that I have hot water, a roof over my shower, a door to keep the wind out a bit and warm clothes to rug up in when I'm finished.  I feel grateful I can go off to school with an open mind and an open heart and embrace more of who I have always known myself to be, surrounded by Love, Wisdom and Understanding.

7 years ago when I saw a vision of the core of my being glowing in golden radiance, I vowed that I would do whatever it took to become a safe person to parent that baby self.  Now I am and I can think of no greater honour.  I can only imagine what the next now will bring as I delight in the magic of this now.

At+Onement 

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