Firsts

With yesterday being my 1st wedding anniversary, it was a great day to focus on 'firsts'.  My husband and I have built our relationship around having new experiences together and this has seen us try things we may not once have considered trying.  Yesterday our first was to have our anniversary lunch at Hungry Jacks.  It was not vegan but it was vegetarian, it was affordable on our $20 budget and, it was not something we had previously considered doing to celebrate anything but it WAS a first and we did enjoy each others company, as we always do.  We allowed Siri to direct us through unknown bush land on a partially unsealed road to discover a new route to our destination (the 'first' time we've been down that road).  We then came home and watched DVDs we had rented with a voucher.  All up our day cost us $34.  We ate some of the top layer of our wedding cake (so NOT vegan OR unsweetened) as we had planned 12 months ago to do.  I did consult my body first and I prepared by taking antihistamine beforehand and blessing every bite before it entered my mouth.  I also comforted myself afterwards with a bowl of baked potato with nutelex, spring onion, pistachio dukkah and tempeh which tasted much nicer than the ultra-rich chocolate mud wedding cake with butter frosting.  It was a good experience for me to eat the cake because I have learned that I don't enjoy food like that at all anymore and it was like a swan-song.

As always happens for me, watching DVDs took me deeper into my spirit.  Perhaps because we started with Gods of Egypt and followed up with Suffragettes before watching a movie we'd compiled ourselves last year of our wedding photos.  There I was looking at my own image smiling and happy, my gorgeous daughter and husband and fifty people I consider friends, when the tears began to slowly fill my eyes.  I was feeling happy at being blessed enough to have such beautiful memories and feeling sad at the same time about how inept I feel at connecting.  I've never felt good at connecting with people in ways I see others are and most of the time I'm happy with that but every now and then I wonder why and if I need to change it.  Last night was another chance to stop right there and remind myself that comparing myself to others will never be as rewarding as allowing the feelings to flow through me without needing to analyse them.  So I stopped thinking there and then and simply let the tears flow down my cheeks in gratitude.

This morning I saw a post online asking for feedback on the most self-limiting belief I have had to challenge and for me that is that I hated myself.  I now know that I am a very passionate and strong person who is capable of great focus and for most of my life I unconsciously focussed all of my strength and passion on hating myself.  There was an enormous amount of power that went into that hatred and it caused a lot of destruction but I'm seeing now that even that was meant to be, it was just the battle between light and dark, ego and soul and of course soul is winning - I no longer hate myself.  I also see how that self-hatred has impacted on my ability to connect as it would be hard to connect if I had not been able to connect with myself.  Exploring what unity consciousness means for me is helping because if I see that all is one and I am At One with all, I then can easily see the reflections and lessons my soul needs me to.  I've been reflecting lately on what my husband reflected for me when we first met because he loved me so completely and I hated me so much and I realise that my soul wanted me to change that.  It was time that it changed.  I had learned what I needed to from that level and intensity of self-hatred and it was time I saw my capacity for love reflected back to me instead.  It was not instant, I didn't just suddenly stop hating myself.  It was very gradual and I worked very hard with a lot of support, information and mistakes to be able to even begin to open up to self-love.  I had to learn to refocus all that strength and determination I had put into hating myself into now learning how to love myself instead and it was not easy at all.   

All those firsts with my amazing husband have made a huge difference not least of which is that 'firsts' rewire the brain.  I am intent on letting go of my egos need to focus on negatives and am rewiring my brain to see positives in everything.  I'm still very aware of darkness, I'm just not afraid of it in myself or in the world anymore.  Now that I've made peace with the darkness within, I know that I am stronger than it and that my love can overcome anything I face.

All in all, my first anniversary was fun, gentle, loving, deep, meaningful and joyful.  I ask for nothing more.

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At+Onement 

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