Self care

Today I give thanks to all of the people on this planet who give other people pedicures.  In this world there are so many people like me who are in desperate need of more self care and have very liitle idea of how to begin and voila!! Some angel is just waiting to scrub, massage and bathe my tired, swollen legs and feet and see up close what I can't see needs doing from my lofty height above (5'4") and then take care of it for me, with a gentle, caring manner and a smile.  I made sure to tell that angel how awesome she is too, no wasted, unspoken compliment.  I truly appreciate the gift that girl has given me, along with the other gifts I received while I indulged in self care: the hairdresser who listened while I said "keep cutting", my bestie who waited patiently by for 4 hours, the lady who manicured my hands, the smiling staff that served me lunch, the bank teller who let me use her PC so I could get some work banking done, the smiling lad who rang up my groceries, the pleasant visitor I had this morning and my neighbour who moved her tradesman out of my way without hesitating.

As hard as it has been for me to self care without guilt (still not quite there), I feel very glad I had another go at it and God has seemingly smiled on me all day for doin it.  Next job is a good nights sleep so I can pay it forward tomorrow :-)

xxjxx

My experience of Heal For Life Foundation

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I have travelled a long, hard road to today and I am who I am.  I've made many mistakes, some of them big and disastrous, and I have done things I carried shame about. I have at times in my past been blind, mute, deaf, unloving and unempathic, unfeeling and unreal. One thing I have never been is untrue. That may not make sense and I don't need it to, I have known me for a relatively short time.  In fact, until 10 years ago, I did not know who 'I' was. I knew facts about my experiences, I remembered minute details of my existence but I did not have the slightest sense of 'I'. But even then, I did know who I wanted to be and I tried with all my might to be that. What I didn't know then was that I didn't know how to be me. I read masses of books, studied, sought professional counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, medication, and expert advice in my determined effort to be who I knew I wanted to be but I did not know that the answers I was seeking were already inside me.  I learned that through the support of other survivors at Heal For Life. I had a great counsellor and support network who encouraged me to go to Heal For Life.  I had friends who had been and come home glowing with joy, turning their lives around.  I wanted that too but I was scared. I knew nothing about this place and my friends said I had to experience it for myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do well, I researched it.  I found out that Heal For Life is run by survivors for survivors and does not give counselling or advice.  I learned that they have strongly enforced safety guidelines and I learned they really care about each person who goes there. I felt terrified but I trusted my counsellors and I took the step.

That was back in 2006. At that time, I was broke, disabled and feeling close to hopeless. I saw no future and I looked at the world through a broken lens. I believed I had nothing much to offer and I'd actually been told by Centrelink and 2 specialists that I would never work again. 

Going to Heal For Life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thanks to many wonderful people, most of whom were also learning who they were, I know now who I am and what 'I' means for me and to me.  I also have a full time job again which feels fabulous. I did a lot of training and volunteering with Wesley and Lifeline and returned to study in Welfare, Community Services and Mental Health and, even though at the beginning I thought that if I passed at all I would barely scape through because I believed I was stupid, I got 100%on 1/2 of my exams and not less than 90% on all the rest barring 1 (67%).  I then began training at Heal For Life myself to become a volunteer and later a facilitator.  I would not have studied what I did if not for Heal For Life who insisted that if I wanted to join their team, I must have external qualifications too. Even after such great grades, I still thought I might fail but I had never had the support I was now getting and it made a huge difference.  Heal For Life did not just throw me in to support other survivors, they stretched me to aspire and helped me, encouraged me to aim higher than I ever thought possible. They taught me so many things, not just trauma healing but, academic skills too. I did not know how to write essays or reports before I went to Heal For Life and now I write them easily and without fear.

I have learned so much at Heal For Life. I have learned the real definition of responsibility and self care.  To let go of the need to blame.  To re-parent my self in a healthier way.  To see mistakes as opportunities to learn. To give and receive feedback. To love myself and others equally. To give and receive in life in balance. To listen. To strive for quality and leave the need for perfection behind. To know that my feelings cannot destroy me and that other people cannot make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. To become the cause of my future and not just the result of my past.  I underwent 2 different psychological evaluations at Heal For Life as a condition of being a volunteer there and the results gave me such hope.  

The positive effects of what I have gained from Heal For Life have impacted more than just me, it has positively influenced everyone around me and I decided in 2012 I was going to enrol in a Grad. Dip in Counselling at ACU.  I had called up the uni and began the application when I received an email advertising for a full time position at Heal For Life coordinating the programs. I thought that as much as I would love to do that, everyone else stood a better chance (because I was sure they had better qualifications and skills) but I decided to apply anyway. I was interviewed by an external person in Newcastle and then I went back to Sydney to complete my uni application.  (Sadly, until about that time, whenever I prepared my CV, all I saw was that I only got as far as Yr 9 at school.  I did not see until that very application, just how many courses I had done since or how many qualifications I had gained along the way) and.......I got the job! I started 9th Jan 2012.

I was very excited in 2012 when Heal For Life gained accreditation from QIC.  That was a dream of mine as I have seen the immense growth in the organisation since 2006.  I've seen people come and go, I've made friends along the way and said goodbye to some also.  I've grieved losses and celebrated triumphs and I've learned to listen, something which I know I was once totally unable to do.  I know when to refer someone for professional support and I know how important it is for that to happen because I've learned that at Heal For Life.  In the 2 years I've been in my new role, I have again given up the life I once knew to start over and I'm glad I had the courage to do that.  I love the work we do.  I love the people I meet and the joys that they share. I appreciate the feedback that every person is invited to give and I love that sharing stories is not part of the program coz I'm done with the story of my misery. I've been at Heal For Life since 2006 and most of my friends there don't know my 'story' because those details are not who I am. Who I am is who I am and I believe in what we do with all my heart.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions, make complaints, be heard, speak up.  It is so important for survivors to take back their power - I have total respect for that and I encourage it although I feel terribly sad when it is done out of malice, that is not empowerment.  If my actions hurt others I am disempowering myself all over again, and others.  If I feel the need to make a stand on something, I get facts first, healthy balanced information so I can make an informed choice, because I learned to do that at Heal For Life too. That is the person I have always wanted to be. A person with integrity and congruence. A person who is flexible yet firm. I am still learning but it's much easier now thanks to the lessons.

I'm not a fool, I know Laws, ACTs, policies, procedures, ethical guidelines.  I know how to adhere to them and I am pedantic about it, which anyone who knows me knows. I have also trained in finance and admin and, If I make a mistake about anything, I am grateful to have it pointed out, I apologise and I begin making whatever change is necessary, then I look at what I can learn from it so I won't make the same mistake again.  I also know the people around me do it that way too - I see it daily.   I'm not ever going to say Heal For Life is perfect because nothing can be perfect.  What I do know and I stand by is this: the volunteers and staff are skilled, trained, capable and committed to excellent service delivery. With the vision of flat-style management and consensus decision making, with every person having equality and ownership, Heal For Life is an incredible place to be a part of and will continue to become even better as time goes by thanks to the survivors who continue to be the incredible people they are, giving as much as they do.  Each person there has fought their own battle and wants to walk alongside others as they themselves were supported at Heal For Life and each person tries to embody the philosophies of Heal For Life and supports each other in continuing to grow and learn and thanks to them, I have learned to do that too.

xxjxx

Learning patience

Last night I discovered a huge, festering splinter in my soul that I needed to remove.  It was so hard to recognise and it hurt to suddenly see how I had disconnected from so much over the past 5 years without knowing I was doing that.  This year I have been very aware of something trying to surface and, although I once would have had no patience to wait until it came up in its own time, this year I have actually felt very content and happy to allow things to run their own course.  For a long time, I flooded and pushed, cracking the proverbial whip over myself in some kind of mindless self-flagellation because I was still a victim to my inner critical parents and they knew no other way to motivate me.  

Now though, I have mindfully been encouraging them to learn how to be lovingly firm instead and it's paying off for me. I have been able to create some key safety principles and internal group safety agreements to help the facilitation of the group that is me and each member has a safe place of refuge as well as group safe places we can "meet".  

Finding and letting go of that splinter was crucial to my future physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health on every level and it was removed with love and tenderness and not just yanked out :-). The large void it left has now been filled with love and light - me and my guys know the road ahead will be a litle scary as we learn to connect without holding back anything and I'm sure there is much to learn while doing it (aka more pain and fear and mistakes).  The wonderful thing is that I can already feel the child parts of me clamouring to burst free and revel in the glory of being and I feel very grateful and excited (and anxious, of course) to be re-infected, this time with enthusiasm.

This year is Hope's year. Patience, love, light, connecting, grace, learning, growing and being and, if it takes all year, I am more than happy to wait.

xxjxx

Letter to my 45 year old self

Dear June

Don't quit, keep playing.  The hands of the maestro are entwined with yours.  The prayers you have uttered have always been heard and answered as you know and today's prayers are among them.  You strive so hard to balance service with self care and it's okay that you don't have it all worked out yet.  As you used to tell your own children, effort shows much more than achievement.  Please know that you are worthwhile and worthy, you always have been and the old, critical measuring stick is redundant and of no use.  Love yourself, be patient with yourself, believe in yourself.  You bestow all of these favours upon others constantly and you are worthy of al this from yourself too.  Be true to who you are and hold fast to God because it brings you such solace.  You are loving and loved and maybe not everyone likes you or understands you but "what other people think of you is none of your business" :-)

I know that you despair at times and sometimes feel alone and I've seen how beautifully attentive you've become of you inner family as well as to others, you've come so far from being the poor sad victim you were 10 years ago.  I'm so very proud of you and I'm cheering you on every moment.  I wish I could do more than give you emotional support but of course I won't rescue you either :-)

I saw how you recognised someone else coming from fear and simply decided to not buy into it but stayed with love and gently guided them away from fear too.  I was amazed at how seamlessly you did it this time, it really does seem to be easier each time you do it.  congratulations, I know you've been working hard at that.  Please remember always, you are never alone, angels, guides, your inner family, your God, inspiration, love, light, hope and faith are always with you just waiting for your invitation.  You are an incredible, phenomenal being and I love you.

xxjxx

Like Poltergeist....they're ba-ack!!!!

Had 3 blissfully pain free days and nights this week, free from the dreaded agony of cluster headaches and no 'shadows'!!  It felt beautiful and surreal and, I even felt excited for a few moments to think that just maybe I'd had my shortest cycle ever - 4 weeks.  Alas, the wretched things followed me home last night and once again, I was up during the night, deep breathing, rocking, soothing myself with words of encouragement, feeling anger and despair and, taking medication, waiting for the agony to abate.  It was intense and frustrating but I got through it, certain that there must be an emotional cause and struggling to pinpoint it.  It took me another 21 hours to work out the trigger: self care and being nurtured; being deserving of nurturing.

I feel sad about the origins of that trigger and about how much suffering I've endured.  I would never wish clusters on ANY person, OR their families.  Cluster headaches are such a horrible, powerless thing to experience and I really feel for all of the partners, children, friends and loved ones who have had to sit by watching the agony and be so powerless to help.  I'm sure it was/is ghastly for those who stood by me for the past 30 years seeing my hope die slowly and watching me in so much agony.  I'm really very grateful to you all and especially my kids.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for them and I still fight to beat these things, which I still believe I will.

I've discovered the trigger from last night and worked through a 'process' tonight, had a little cry, shared a bit of grief and anger and tomorrow I'll finish the next step.  I'd like to ask my brain right now to please let me sleep pain free tonight so I can dream joyfully through the night of a miraculous future where pain is no longer my teacher and all of these tiny baby steps will have created a fabulous journey of strength and wisdom.  Although I may still use my medication, I will not ignore or discount the emotional origins/cause of this pain. There are too many signs: the time is during the liver meridian time every night; headaches are caused by anger (fear), I get irritable and beat up on myself when I have them, my temperature spikes suddenly and, I wake up needing to pee (pissed off).  No, I will not avoid searching for the emotional cause of these headaches, nor will I give up practicing peaceful activities that support my brain in growing accustomed to being in a parasympathetic state coz I deserve to nurture me and my hypothalamus deserves a rest.

Till next time

xxjxx

O.U.C.H

Todays begins week 4 of this years cluster headaches (CH).

While I know I am blessed and most of the time, I feel blessed too, it is really, really hard.  My mind keeps jumping to past and future - "30 years I've suffered, I feel scared they will torment me for another 30 years",  I don't blame my brain for jumping to that, 30 years IS a long time to survive clusters and a couple of times I almost didn't survive them.  I certainly don't feel confident I survived them intact. They had a huge impact on many areas of my life, especially my marriage and my sanity.  I can't imagine how hard it was for my kids seeing me so desperate and scared so many times either.  My finances were also impacted and I had virtually no social life.  I once had no sense of self and no self esteem, clusters became my identity for a lot of the time.  Who would I have been without cluster headaches? I'll never know. Clusters dictated and controlled me throughout my teens and early twenties because I had them for 6 months of every year and I was completely powerless in their wake.  In my late twenties, when I finally got a name for what was crippling me (clusters), I began to get some power again and I searched, in vain, for relief and a cure.  I found neither.  There is nothing that stops clusters.  They have no known cause, no known cure and very few things provide any relief at all. (Recently, magic mushrooms have been touted as effective but I will not feed that to my brain, it's been through enough),

I have tried many, various medications at the suggestion of doctors and specialist and frankly, I don't think they have any answers either.  I've tried many traditional and alternative therapies and ideas.  Nothing has worked.  Oxygen is helpful but it doesn't work any faster than deep breathing exercises do.  The only real relief I've had is from a highly toxic poison mixed with caffeine (Cafergot) but sometimes it's useless too.  I think the most frustrating thing for me has been the total lack of empathy and understanding I've encountered from other people.  Most people compare their migraines to what I'm experiencing but I've had migraine and I welcome them.  I'm sorry but migraine feels like a head cold compared to clusters.  Migraine I can handle.  Clusters beat me down, torture my whole body, mind and spirit and leave me hopeless and despairing up to 9 times a day!  Clusters are the worst pain I can imagine, they often leave me terrified to sleep, despairing, wound-up, irritated, miserable, angry, sad, scared and deflated.  I would not wish clusters on anyone, anytime.  They are monstrous, insidious, catastrophically painful, awful, horrible, destructive and relentless.  

Clusters usually strike within an hour of going to sleep, no matter what the time.  They've recently been found to be linked to the hypothalamus and so affect many areas of the brain and nervous system.  I've realised recently that although the brain is designed to flood the body with endogenous opioids when pain is inflicted, none are released when I get clusters, I feel the entire thing in the moment and the intensity of that pain is staggering.  I've had 2 kids naturally and compared to clusters I did not feel anything during childbirth.  Clusters feel like  there are lots of people inside one side of my brain trying to escape using ice picks to hack through the top of my head, my neck, eye, jaw, nose, ear, gums, temple and glands.  My entire back burns constantly from the increased tension.  My eyelid droops and my eye weeps, my nose gets stuffy, I stop breathing, the blood pounds in my head and my temerature spikes suddenly. I get about 5 minutes notice and then BANG.

Over the 5-9 weeks that each attack lasts, they get more intense and painful each day.  There are times I've had none all day and then 9 of them, 20 minutes apart during the night.  I become irritable and hypersensitive to light and sound and the terror builds as my brain tries to prepare for weeks 5-9, which are always agony.  Sleep is something I both dread and crave by then because I'm so exhausted from the pain and lack of sleep.  Any type of rest or relaxation brings on a cluster almost immediately as does exertion of any kind.  

These days I can get through the first 4 weeks with gentle exercise, breathing techniques, grounding, massage, Cafergot, coffee and painkillers to dull the constant ache that 'shadows' provide.  cluster Shadows are not as intense as cluster headaches but shadows don't stop at all and are debilitating in their own way, relentless and wearying.  

I was once so terrified of clusters that I set alarms 20 mins apart to make sure I never sat still longer than 20 mins!  I was so exhausted all the time.  These days I have accepted that I can do little about it but ride them out and keep hoping they will eventually end.  I pray they will never come back when they suddenly run their course and just stop each year.  Every couple of years they visit twice, which is really hard.  

For now, I just feel the anger, fear and pain and try to remind myself to breathe.  I will win.  I will overcome.  I will beat this.  Now that I have found hope again, I feel empowered to thrive and no drat-awful, soul destroying, wretched pain is going to stop me.

xxjxx

C'mon now

Learning to speak to myself lovingly has been difficult because I had to learn from scratch in my 40's.  For most of my life, I was spoken to with criticism, disdain, contempt and negativity.  The people in my life did not know any better themselves, nor did they have any concept of self-love, therefore they could not teach me.  I do not harbour any thoughts of blame towards them any more.  I feel sad that so many people have so little knowledge or experience of self-love.  In this fear-infused culture, it is difficult to grasp self-love with so many messages of how selfish it is to love ourselves.  How can we hope to love others, for others to love us, if we cannot love ourselves?

Self-love has nothing to do with being selfish.  If I can love myself, I automatically, unconsciously give those around me permission to love themselves and to love me.  If I love myself, I will show people by example, how to treat me with love.  I will 'command' respect and not then need to 'demand' it.  I will know within myself that what other people think of me is there business and I will not let it bother me.  I will see myself as worthy and deserving.  I will give out and receive love with a full heart.  I will be healthy and happy and free.

I am committed to loving myself fully, deeply and unconditionally.  To seek within myself that which my Creator has made me to be.  To look past the imperfections I have perceived myself to have and find the unique and soulful person that I really am at the core of my being.  To embrace who I am and let go of the need to be anything more.  To speak kindly and honestly to myself, and to revel in being me as I am, giving and receiving in love in balance.

Learning to speak to myself lovingly has been difficult and I'm still learning.  I'm much better at it now.  One book that has been very helpful is "Growing Up Again" by Jean Ilsley Clark and Connie Dawson.  It not only has great, loving affirmations, it also has information on re-parenting which helped me to understand myself at different ages and stages so I can become a happier, more well-adjusted self now. I don't need anyone else to give me a happy childhood and I have not missed out, I just waited until I can really enjoy and appreciate childhood :-)

I can now love me, I hope everyone finds this joy for themselves too.

xxjxx

Clusters

While pondering what to write for this weeks blog, cluster headaches sprung to mind.  It would be interesting if they didn't, I'm in week 2 of a cycle.  Historically they have lasted between 5-9 weeks and I have no way of knowing how long they're going to 'visit' for until they leave again.  They have 'visited' me since early 1985 and I have, at times, struggled to survive them.  Many times I didn't survive with my sanity intact and even made 2 trips to the psychiatric unit during clusters.  At times I feel sad, angry, cheated, scared, terrified, beaten, hopeless, doubtful, infuriated, fatigued, irritable, powerless and even suicidal.  That's during an attack.  

After 30 years, I've come to know clusters well and can get through the first 4 weeks now with coffee, smokes, relaxation exercises, deep breathing, self talk, prayer, gentle exercise, OTC painkillers, detriggering, emotional release, massage and patience. That's the first 4 weeks.  Then they ramp up!  However long they last after that is excruciating and, no matter what I do, I feel powerless to ease the pain.  I think because by then I am so tired - clusters wake me up 20 minutes after going back to sleep from the last attack, over and over.  I used to be terrified to sleep when I had them.  Terrified of the pain I knew would come if I went to sleep.  Now I figure I need to snatch as many minutes of sleep as I can before another one strikes.  I find it interesting that when I don't have clusters I only have 1 or 2 cups of coffee per day or I get agitated but when I have clusters I can have (and have had) up to 12 cups with no agitation at all, just relief from the pain.

The medications I've been prescribed over the years have been ghastly.  I've had all of the anti-inflammatories available, barbiturates, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, codeine based, migraine medications, blah blah blah.  I even gave up smoking for 2 years.  None of that worked and most of them had no effect at all.  Oxygen worked the best and Cafergot.  The downside of Cafergot is that it is toxic and I can't have more than 10 per 7 days but I get up to 75 clusters per week after week 4 so I put off taking them and suffer horrendously in case the next one is even worse.  I'm lucky because mine usually pass in 20-30 minutes but some of the really awful ones last for over an hour and nearly send me totally insane with pain.  The muscles in my spine scream in agony for weeks.  Shadows pervade for the entire period.  Shadows are awful because they almost never stop.  It's hard to describe cluster shadows but basically it's like having a 9 week migraine with no break.  Light and sound pierces my eyes and brain and I weep openly, trying not to scream in agony for weeks.

I'm beginning to recognise positive changes though.  For the first 12 years, no one (and I mean absolutely no one) believed the pain I was in.  Everyone had advice and ideas but would not let go of the notion I had migraine, not even doctors and specialists.  It took 12 torturous years to get a doctor to finally admit that it was cluster headaches.  By then, I was almost drug and alcohol addicted via failed self medicating and as I was to discover, alcohol makes them worse!

I had spent thousands of dollars on medical options and alternative therapy in my desperation to cure myself and nothing worked!  I can't even dissociate from it.  But, during those first 12 years I had in excess of 7,000 individual cluster headaches (6months of every year). That's about 600 each year.  Over the past 18 years since then, I think I've had about 7,000 more (about 388 per year) but notice the extra 6 years in there.  Now I get approx. 280 per year (over 9 weeks).  So there has been a vast improvement.  Also, once upon a time, I could never have got through the first 4 weeks like I do now.  Back then I was paralyzed with pain and terror from the first sign of a cluster and now I deep breathe through the first week and sometimes the second week too. 

Clusters have taught me to self care, something I never knew how to do once.  I'm much gentler with myself than I used to be.  They've also taught me mindfulness, patience, acceptance, humility, perseverance, compassion, empathy, reverence, determination, neuroscience, maths, philosophy, faith, hope, love and strength.  Today, I don't want to hate clusters as I used to because I am not a victim, I am a survivor.  I'm surviving cluster headaches one painful, searing headache at a time and I know now - I am stronger than any pain.

xxjxx

Epilogue to fear

Last week I wrote about fear.  Continuing on from last week, I thought I would share something that was an incredible experience for me since then.

After posting last weeks' blog, I became very excited about recognising and naming fear for what it is.  As quickly as I did that, more fears kept presenting.  It was like a cycle and I was intrigued by it.  I felt confident I was moving forward and then, crash, I fell into it and it erupted out of me in a tirade of self doubt and self loathing.  I owned the behaviour and apologised immediately although I still felt guilty and ashamed (more fear based reacting!)

I spoke to a friend about how I want to be able to turn fear into love, thus disempowering it.  A couple of days later while mulling it over, I recognised that fear is a part of me and has been almost constant within me for as long as I remember.  These days, I refuse to talk to any parts of myself in any way that is not loving and I felt challenged to do that this time so I thought back to how I address the critical parent in me (transactional analysis) and viola!!  I said to fear, "thank you for being such a constant companion fear.  You have always been there for me when nothing else was.  You have worked so tirelessly and without thanks for so long to teach me and keep me safe and I have never acknowledged that.  I feel so grateful to you for all that you have done and I'm sorry.  I would dearly love to work with you to find a way for you to take a break, to relax and share some of the load.  Please know that I love you and I want to help you".

By the time I finished, fear was gone and I was filled with love and joy.  I wondered how I had not thought of this sooner but everything has it's time.

I've been struggling since then to process what is coming up but I have immense hope and faith.  I let go of the need to control the timing of my healing a long time ago and I enjoy the freedom of allowing my emotions to guide my journey and not push or have expectations of myself around that.  It's not easy but it has been rewarding to stress less about what I want to happen and just simply allow myself to be.

Last night I tried processing anger and wondered why I was left feeling tense and un-joyful and in talking about it with a friend today, I realise it's because I've moved through that stage and have found a new level of being that involves loving more than fearing.  Last night I was trying to release anger that is born of fear and because of the recent shift in me, my brain does not want to go that way so tonight, I will process the same things with love and I imagine that will feel much better.

Till next time

xxjxx

fear

I refuse to give fear any conscious power any more.  So much so that I am not even spelling it with a capital in the title here.

fear has been a constant companion of mine for as long as I can remember and over the past 3 years I have been trying to recognise it more quickly and feel the energy of it, to move through it as quickly as possible and let it go so I am free to feel love and joy instead.  It's not easy.  My brain has a very strong map for fear and at my age, my brain is loathe to create new maps, but it can and I am.  By doing one thing different, taking tiny, baby steps, I feel certain that change is happening.  It takes time and practice and I am determined, I believe I can do it so I know that I am.

Last night I was very steadfastly declaring how strongly I feel about exposing fear for what it is to me and wrapping it with love.  My new catchphrase for myself is "if it is not from love, it is fear".  I knew, even as I said it that I was sending out some sort of cosmic challenge by merely speaking those words and I am ready to pay the piper on this.  I want to BE love and I cannot do that if I stay in fear.  I have vowed to serve God and I cannot do that if I serve fear too.  I want to be humble and fear will keep humility from me so I have declared war on fear, peaceful, loving, resolute war.  It's funny to me this is the first time I have been able to think of any kind of war in a positive way.

And it is positive.  As I have been afraid of so much for so long, fear is a part of me like any other and I will therefore not abuse that.  I am committed to loving every part of myself unconditionally and finding a purpose for everything that makes me me.  I am now on a journey of discovering how I can love fear unconditionally, embrace it, love it forgive it and find a new role for it that works for all of me.

Today I could sense fear poking at me and I stood firm over and over again.  Each time I said "hey, that's fear, come back here.  God can you deal with this."  Each time, fear left defeated and each time, I felt more happy and strong.  Unfortunately I allowed my attention to wander and fear sneaked in and bit me again more sharply.  Then I was triggered and all my fear came screaming out through tears, anguish and self-hatred.  This is what fear does, it turns me against myself and others and takes me away from love, from being who I want to be.  This is fear and I am truly sorry for the pain I cause in my fear.  I have apologised and learned.  What happened to me today was a timely reminder to be vigilant and to love myself more.  That fear was able to take hold because I was not ready to take responsibility for what is mine and so I took responsibility for what is not mine.  I now know that I need to continue on as I do, loving, learning. Exploring and dreaming.

I need to acknowledge and accept where I'm at and keep moving forward one, tiny baby step at a time.  Sorry fear, love lives here and if you don't love, you are no longer squatting in me.  You have hereby been served notice.  You tenancy is up and I will not be renewing the lease.

I'm off now to sleep restfully and peacefully.  No fear.

xxjxx