Epilogue to fear

Last week I wrote about fear.  Continuing on from last week, I thought I would share something that was an incredible experience for me since then.

After posting last weeks' blog, I became very excited about recognising and naming fear for what it is.  As quickly as I did that, more fears kept presenting.  It was like a cycle and I was intrigued by it.  I felt confident I was moving forward and then, crash, I fell into it and it erupted out of me in a tirade of self doubt and self loathing.  I owned the behaviour and apologised immediately although I still felt guilty and ashamed (more fear based reacting!)

I spoke to a friend about how I want to be able to turn fear into love, thus disempowering it.  A couple of days later while mulling it over, I recognised that fear is a part of me and has been almost constant within me for as long as I remember.  These days, I refuse to talk to any parts of myself in any way that is not loving and I felt challenged to do that this time so I thought back to how I address the critical parent in me (transactional analysis) and viola!!  I said to fear, "thank you for being such a constant companion fear.  You have always been there for me when nothing else was.  You have worked so tirelessly and without thanks for so long to teach me and keep me safe and I have never acknowledged that.  I feel so grateful to you for all that you have done and I'm sorry.  I would dearly love to work with you to find a way for you to take a break, to relax and share some of the load.  Please know that I love you and I want to help you".

By the time I finished, fear was gone and I was filled with love and joy.  I wondered how I had not thought of this sooner but everything has it's time.

I've been struggling since then to process what is coming up but I have immense hope and faith.  I let go of the need to control the timing of my healing a long time ago and I enjoy the freedom of allowing my emotions to guide my journey and not push or have expectations of myself around that.  It's not easy but it has been rewarding to stress less about what I want to happen and just simply allow myself to be.

Last night I tried processing anger and wondered why I was left feeling tense and un-joyful and in talking about it with a friend today, I realise it's because I've moved through that stage and have found a new level of being that involves loving more than fearing.  Last night I was trying to release anger that is born of fear and because of the recent shift in me, my brain does not want to go that way so tonight, I will process the same things with love and I imagine that will feel much better.

Till next time

xxjxx