fear has been a constant companion of mine for as long as I can remember and over the past 3 years I have been trying to recognise it more quickly and feel the energy of it, to move through it as quickly as possible and let it go so I am free to feel love and joy instead. It's not easy. My brain has a very strong map for fear and at my age, my brain is loathe to create new maps, but it can and I am. By doing one thing different, taking tiny, baby steps, I feel certain that change is happening. It takes time and practice and I am determined, I believe I can do it so I know that I am.
Last night I was very steadfastly declaring how strongly I feel about exposing fear for what it is to me and wrapping it with love. My new catchphrase for myself is "if it is not from love, it is fear". I knew, even as I said it that I was sending out some sort of cosmic challenge by merely speaking those words and I am ready to pay the piper on this. I want to BE love and I cannot do that if I stay in fear. I have vowed to serve God and I cannot do that if I serve fear too. I want to be humble and fear will keep humility from me so I have declared war on fear, peaceful, loving, resolute war. It's funny to me this is the first time I have been able to think of any kind of war in a positive way.
And it is positive. As I have been afraid of so much for so long, fear is a part of me like any other and I will therefore not abuse that. I am committed to loving every part of myself unconditionally and finding a purpose for everything that makes me me. I am now on a journey of discovering how I can love fear unconditionally, embrace it, love it forgive it and find a new role for it that works for all of me.
Today I could sense fear poking at me and I stood firm over and over again. Each time I said "hey, that's fear, come back here. God can you deal with this." Each time, fear left defeated and each time, I felt more happy and strong. Unfortunately I allowed my attention to wander and fear sneaked in and bit me again more sharply. Then I was triggered and all my fear came screaming out through tears, anguish and self-hatred. This is what fear does, it turns me against myself and others and takes me away from love, from being who I want to be. This is fear and I am truly sorry for the pain I cause in my fear. I have apologised and learned. What happened to me today was a timely reminder to be vigilant and to love myself more. That fear was able to take hold because I was not ready to take responsibility for what is mine and so I took responsibility for what is not mine. I now know that I need to continue on as I do, loving, learning. Exploring and dreaming.
I need to acknowledge and accept where I'm at and keep moving forward one, tiny baby step at a time. Sorry fear, love lives here and if you don't love, you are no longer squatting in me. You have hereby been served notice. You tenancy is up and I will not be renewing the lease.
I'm off now to sleep restfully and peacefully. No fear.
xxjxx
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