Self forgiveness

I took part in a discussion about forgiveness today with some loving, open-hearted people and although I once spurned the very idea of forgiving those that I had once felt very hurt by, I realised with joy today that I truly have found forgiveness for each of them now.  I now choose to believe that each of those people were coming from a place of personal torment within themselves, a lack of self-awareness and self-love and that they each have taught me something very valuable too.  I did not suddenly wake up one day and decide to forgive.  Forgiveness was a whole journey of its own for me and I gave myself a lot of time and patience to travel that particular path.  It was where I wanted to get to and now that I am there, I feel more peaceful within myself.

Today I realise that self-forgiveness has not been as easy and I still have some distance to travel to that destination.  I know the abuse and trauma is not my fault.  It is the years of self abuse, self loathing, self flagellation and self doubt that still lingers in my heart.  Still keeps me a victim to feelings of worthlessness.  Although my intellectual self 'knows' that I learned to treat myself that way over time, via poor examples being set, my heart cries out to me over all the times I started to love and value myself and slipped back into the old, self destructive patterns of inactivity, over eating, mindlessness and apathy.

Right now, I choose to forgive myself for all of the damage I have suffered at my own hands, just as I have forgiven others.  I choose to be kinder and try harder to not judge myself for the mistakes I have perceived myself to make and recognise my efforts today instead.  Because I forgive myself, I can now enter another level of peace and look forward to the miracles I am sure will abound in self love.

xxjxx