During this leap of faith, I experienced the sensations of feeling fear in my body as it happened. Not old fear from the past or imagined fear of the future but sudden, trembling, real and instant fear from that very moment and I gave myself permission to stop and allow it to pass through me unhindered. It was scary. It was also incredible and I felt so free, alive, real and whole as I did that. I wanted to whoop for joy but I gave fear it's time and then gave myself permission to just be. I moved through many facets of myself in wonderment and awe afterwards and I felt completely at ease being young, younger, old, older, male, female, human, spirit, whole and shameless. I experienced being a healthier me today and I loved it.
The fear came from claiming back my body and letting go of the unconscious need to feel my body through pain.
A wonderful woman sat silently by me as I gifted myself with this blessed moment and in her heart space, seemed completely at ease while she waited. I feel blessed and grateful today. I had only ever fully experienced fear before as terror, pain and powerlessness, never before had I felt simple, clean fear. I have had so many moments of that overwhelming horror that my brain had learned to switch off to the slightest exposure to fear. It turns out that while I was very afraid of many things, I could not feel fear inside me because without terror and pain, the instant numbness always took over and rescued me, disempowering me in its own way.
I hated my body for many years, for many reasons and I've been working towards changing that for a few years now. Over the past couple of weeks, I knew something big was about to happen within and I was content to just let it surface in its own time and way. I have learned great patience and it really paid off today. Resisting the urge to hurry it up because others wanted me to. Choosing resolutely to make different choices for myself. Repeating every day "good morning body, I love you". Becoming more mindful of how I speak about my body and the biggest shift, finally acknowledging, understanding, permitting and accepting that my body is a part of who "I" am. That might sound weird but I have been so disconnected to my body my whole life that it did not actually seem like a part of me at all. I'm not sure I can explain it and maybe I don't need to.
Now that I have welcomed my body into my 'being' I will listen better to it, honour it more, cherish it more and love it more. I know I will, I've already started. I feel sad that it took me so long when I have already learned to love every other part of myself unconditionally - my soul, my brain, the fragments of my psyche - it's okay to feel sad, right now. I will feel it, move through it and celebrate that I can feel the sadness because I am who I am and everything else is a big, beautiful bonus.
For many years I abused my body in my ignorance and I am sorry for that. I have gorged and starved my body at times. I have worked it like a slave till it broke down, cracked the whip over myself while exercising and had no concern when it became sore or tired, lazed around till it atrophied, deprived it of sleep and plied it with alcohol and drugs to distance myself from it further, medicated it to make it more numb because I did not understand the pain was a warning. I've caused damage over the years to my poor, long suffering, wonderful, amazing body and now, slowly but surely, I am repairing that damage with love, patience, kindness and awareness. My body is a temple and I will love it my own way.
xxjxx
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