Like Poltergeist....they're ba-ack!!!!

Had 3 blissfully pain free days and nights this week, free from the dreaded agony of cluster headaches and no 'shadows'!!  It felt beautiful and surreal and, I even felt excited for a few moments to think that just maybe I'd had my shortest cycle ever - 4 weeks.  Alas, the wretched things followed me home last night and once again, I was up during the night, deep breathing, rocking, soothing myself with words of encouragement, feeling anger and despair and, taking medication, waiting for the agony to abate.  It was intense and frustrating but I got through it, certain that there must be an emotional cause and struggling to pinpoint it.  It took me another 21 hours to work out the trigger: self care and being nurtured; being deserving of nurturing.

I feel sad about the origins of that trigger and about how much suffering I've endured.  I would never wish clusters on ANY person, OR their families.  Cluster headaches are such a horrible, powerless thing to experience and I really feel for all of the partners, children, friends and loved ones who have had to sit by watching the agony and be so powerless to help.  I'm sure it was/is ghastly for those who stood by me for the past 30 years seeing my hope die slowly and watching me in so much agony.  I'm really very grateful to you all and especially my kids.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for them and I still fight to beat these things, which I still believe I will.

I've discovered the trigger from last night and worked through a 'process' tonight, had a little cry, shared a bit of grief and anger and tomorrow I'll finish the next step.  I'd like to ask my brain right now to please let me sleep pain free tonight so I can dream joyfully through the night of a miraculous future where pain is no longer my teacher and all of these tiny baby steps will have created a fabulous journey of strength and wisdom.  Although I may still use my medication, I will not ignore or discount the emotional origins/cause of this pain. There are too many signs: the time is during the liver meridian time every night; headaches are caused by anger (fear), I get irritable and beat up on myself when I have them, my temperature spikes suddenly and, I wake up needing to pee (pissed off).  No, I will not avoid searching for the emotional cause of these headaches, nor will I give up practicing peaceful activities that support my brain in growing accustomed to being in a parasympathetic state coz I deserve to nurture me and my hypothalamus deserves a rest.

Till next time

xxjxx