Real

This week I'm looking at how much I have previously struggled to maintain close, long term connections.  In my previous role I learned to open my heart fully and unapologetically to everyone I met while maintaining strong, healthy boundaries.  I enjoyed it and grew grew from it immensely as my own heart expanded and blossomed from allowing my feelings to freely flow.  I was able to love each person I met even briefly and I can still feel love for each person I have come into contact with throughout my life, no matter what transpired or how long the meeting lasted.  I was not always able to feel this way and am so glad I can feel it now.  For me, carrying around blame, shame, guilt, anger, hurt and betrayal felt all wrong inside.  It hurt and it made me bitter, hateful and judgmental.  I didn't really like who I was at all.  Now I've been allowing myself to alchemise my past; to revisit old memories as they come up to the surface and find something to love in them.  I've allowed my Soul to lead me this time because my ego tried to stop me before and tell me there were no positives and nothing to love in experiences of abuse, especially from my childhood.  I'm glad I persevered and listened to my Soul instead.  While I have come to appreciate the help my ego gives me in keeping me safe, it doesn't have all the answers either.  Seeing things from a different perspective, that of my Soul self, has opened up a whole new way of being for me that feels much more natural.

Just yesterday some old memory surfaced of how miserable my first husband and I were together for so much of our 16 year relationship.  I once would have blamed our drinking, immaturity, abusive behaviours and circumstances for the pain we both carried.  Yesterday however, I cried with joy and gratitude at how much of a gift I can now see we have been to each other at a Soul level.  I joyfully and tearfully gave tanks for every moment he spent in my life yesterday.   He and I taught each other so much about love and life.  No matter what feelings each of us took away from it, we gave each other the gift of unconditional love by being completely real with each other at all times.  We never were anything other than ourselves together.  Sadly, ourselves then were quite in need of waking up, growing up and of self love but, we were always real.  Just as I had found in my old work role, being real in every moment is the greatest connection we can make.

Being real is not easy for everyone and some people try to be anything other than who they really are but, that's them being real too.  If someone comes across as fake, I can choose to judge them or to love them but I don't have the right to try and change them. Why should anyone change who they are so I feel differently?  If I don't like them, if I deem them unsafe or unfitting for me, I can choose to walk away.  It's not my choice whether or not they change who they are.  It's my choice whether to blame them for 'making' me let go or not.  All they are doing is being real.  I'm the one having a reaction and that belongs only to me.  My reaction can tell me what I need to become aware of within myself if I am able to be real and honest with myself.

In looking at what other people reflect for me, I am having the most amazing transformation inside and life feels spectacular now as more and more detritus from my formerly wounded ego falls away to reveal the multifaceted diamond of my human self - ego+Soul.  Together, these two create a harmonious symphony that beats binaurally in tune with creation itself.  That's the real me, that's who I have always felt gently beating within my chest.  That's real and alive and gratefully me.  

My deepest wish today is that you and I can be unapologetically real and that we can each relax, enjoy and love life as us and allow others the same grace.

ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

RememberingUnity

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I am not my looks

Big shout out to the 800 new people who liked the page this week.💛  it's so great to have you around and hear from you how much you're getting out of my sharing.  I used to be a very paranoid and fearful person and when I was first 'called' to create this page in October last year, I was stunned.  I could not see why anyone would want to read a page about my journey of life, love and healing, let alone follow it.  I have come far enough in this life to trust that when I am 'called' it works best for me if I follow that call.  I've had so many amazing, rich, fulfilling and miraculous things happen when I've answered 'the call' that there was no question of me NOT writing this blog and keeping it going.  Every day my ego still says "no, stop.  No one reads it anyway".  and every day I tell my Soul: "you write it".  This project is bigger than I've ever yet known how to be and I'm not keen to make it small like I've tried to do to myself for so much of my life.  My faith in something bigger than me is my driving force.  Faith has opened me up to expose the jewels inside and out and my faith is now unwavering.  The part of myself I am making peace with now is about having that same faith in myself.  Having faith is worth nothing to me without recognising myself as one with it.

That's where my photos come in.  You may notice that the theme of the photos I'm using changed recently.  I have been using pictures of myself that have been altered in different styles.  This is part of the process of raising my awareness and learning to love myself past separateness. A couple of years ago I did some media training as part of the role I was in.  I was managing a service and would need tools and practice to approach and undertake media opportunities with confidence.  It was a great training session that I enjoyed immensely and I felt very confident - until I watched the tape.  I was so distressed at seeing myself on screen that I almost quit my job.  I knew then that I had some work to do on making peace with my own image.

I had been taking part in group photos for years with joy.  I hadn't allowed myself to realise though, how controlling I was of images of myself: My husband would take pictures of me smiling and I would ask him to delete and retake them until I thought they were 'perfect'; I never allowed full body shots because I could not stand to look at how huge my body seemed to me; I had begun to take selfies but was fanatical about them looking 'just right'.  It was tragic really and I had been working so hard on so much that I'd missed it.  It was now time to work on that too.  The part of that media training I liked best was that I felt good with how I looked off-screen.  When the teacher said I should dress differently for on-screen events, I didn't take that to mean anything about me like I once would have.  It was just a tip for the camera.

I began asking my husband to take more photos of me: working in the garden was big because I once would never have gone for that at all.  The biggest change came when we got married last year.  We were looking over some photos together on our wedding night and both struggling with all of these shots that we thought looked silly.  Wondering if we had any wedding shots that looked worthy of a magazine, we suddenly realised the photos were perfect because they captured exactly who we are.  We were all dressed up in gorgeous clothes, with huge smiles and, we were pulling faces!  We were rolling our eyes, throwing out heads back, crying, chuckling, concentrating and more.  We saw our true selves in those photos and we both embraced that right there.  That's when miracles started to happen.  The way we looked at our photos and ourselves changed right then in that room and our perception of the photos changed too.  We ended up printing off all 1500 photos in colour and in black and white and now have them all over the walls of our bedroom like a shrine.  One of the pictures of me is my favourite photo ever.  I can see my soul shining through and all of life's troubles do not exist in that moment.  Since then all the old photos I have of myself look different to me and I look different in them - it's amazing rally to see the difference that my perception changing has made to what my eyes see.

After our wedding I set out to conquer my dislike of my own image and started taking a selfie a day.  The challenge I set myself was to send it straight to my husband without editing.  The biggest challenge was to send the first take, and not take 20 photos before I found one I was happy with.  I took one photo every morning and sent it straight to my husband.  Sometimes with my hair sticking up, with cold sores, with puffy crying eyes, with sleepy eyes, with pimples and grime, with my tongue poked out.  For around 40 days I did this and then I made peace.  I broke through my poor ego's delusion and stopped making my image so important that I hid it whenever I could.  Right now, I'm working on it more.  I still have a few fears around image so I'm creating the photos I'm using on this blog to have fun with my image and not take myself so seriously.  Seeing myself as a terminator, a robot, an angel, with trees coming out of my head or with flames all around me is fun and liberating.  I am not my face or my body or my looks.  I am soul and there is nothing to not love about me.  I can now laugh, have fun, forgive myself and others and, look at my own image with love and acceptance.  That has taken me 47 years and that's okay.  I'm doing it and I appreciate you helping me to learn how.

May you find peace with who you are too, in your own time and way.  And may I be there to watch you grow also.  

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Grateful

Today I'm allowing the effervescent and sparkling gold of excitement to course through me, awakening all joy receptors and sharpening my senses.  The power of practicing gratitude and devotion is so good for the brain and the heart and in fact, for the whole being.  Oxytocin is a chemical that is secreted in our brains through touch, childbirth, breastfeeding and feeling grateful. Oxytocin makes us feel happy, connected, trusting and safe.  Hugs, having a massage or foot massage, touch therapies, handshakes, getting your hair done, and saying out loud what you feel grateful for can all release oxytocin in our brains.

I began practicing daily gratitude about 9 years ago when I challenged myself to find one thing every day to feel grateful for.  My family brought me a beautiful dragon notebook and I chose it to hold my thanks.  I really struggled at first so I just kept it small and simple: "Today I feel grateful that I want to feel grateful".  "Today I feel grateful that I have a roof over my head".  "Today I feel grateful for coloured socks".  I would write it down and read it out loud every morning.  As each day passed, I became more mindful and aware of things to feel grateful for and it grew from there.  These days every journal entry begins with "I feel....."  Because I feel grateful for being able to feel feelings after so long of not being able to feel anything but the pain borne of not feeling feelings.

Yesterday I was folding washing.  As I'm only able to do laundry occasionally here, there was quite a pile and although I was in a positive frame of mind, my energy began to drop quickly.  Noticing this, my mind brought up the idea of refugees who are not able to do any laundry or homeless people who may only have the clothes on their backs.  I felt immediately grateful that I have laundry to do and I chose in that moment to chant mantras which instantly made my heart soar.  I then felt grateful for having the opportunity to know and learn these fabulous tools and the time, space and willingness to practice using them.  I also noticed how quickly the time passed, how much more I got done and, how little pain was present in my body.  I usually don't finish tasks like that because I get very sore but that didn't happen yesterday at all and I got everything finished - with joy in my heart.  I sat my baby doll inner child up near me and sang the devotion of the mantras to her and I'm sure that helped too.  Today I'm off to meditate and give of myself in service, 2 of my favourite things to do.  Being around beautiful souls who's only intent is to be real and allow me to be real without censorship or controlling each other is like dessert for my Soul.  To be accepted exactly as I am is a bliss I now gift myself in each moment.  

As my spirit soars and my ego surrenders to the true beauty of life, I cannot help but feel grateful to be alive and at one with creation in all its splendour.  Waking up naturally to greet the sun when he climbs into the sky after kissing the moon goodbye is beginning to grow on me.  Hearing the chants of the birds, frogs and insects outside is calming and cheery in the foggy dawn.  As angels alight in my consciousness to guide me through the day my mind greets me with 'Om Shanti': peace.  And indeed the tranquility of pink fills my heart with gentle warmth and glee.  With arms wide open, I greet this day, as every day, with love in my heart and hugs at the ready.

Today I feel grateful that I have the petrol to get to my meditation and service.  May you find at least one thing to feel grateful for today to get the oxytocin in your brain flowing too.  

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Simplicity and the ego

More and more I'm seeing the parallel between what life is for the soul and what life is for the ego in this dimension.  For the soul, all is one - unity is all there is.  Nothing exists outside the all-that-is and separateness is an illusion unseen by the soul at all.  This dimension, this classroom for the soul, is simply a chance to forget that and to rise again to remembering.  It is nothing more and nothing less.  All is love, one story is all that was created by creation itself.  No-thing-ness is love and love is light.  Light is creation and no-thing-ness is the shadow created by Light simply existing.

In comes the ego and says "hang on, now wait just a minute.  I can see more than Light, I can taste more than Light, I can hear more than Light, I can feel more than Light, I can smell more than Light, I can touch more than Light and I can sense that there is more than Light.  I know there is more than Light and the Soul knows nothing!"  The ego gets scared though because the soul has now planted the seed of creation within, which is all the soul had to do in the first place.  Now it can just patiently wait while the ego does all the work, believing it's doing its own thing the whole time.  Neither the soul nor the ego owns the journey, the journey just is.  The journey is what life is for and about, life is the journey.  

The soul makes the choice to incarnate in order to re-member the parts of the Divine body.  It is fully aware of the process that will unfold and the process the ego goes through is all a simple reflection of that so that the soul can re-awaken at any time it chooses.  It goes through symbiosis, individuation, separation and all of the other stages of development that the ego does.  The soul enjoys the ride where the ego questions it and wants to know the mechanics of it.  Both the soul and the ego are necessary and pivotal to the whole thing happening.  Neither is indispensable nor redundant at any time.  Some legs of these journeys are harder and further from the Light than others.  Some are so much further from the Light that they occur in total darkness and look malevolent to the ego.  The awakened soul sees this illusion and loves all regardless.  

During the awakening process, there is a stage parallel with the adolescence of ego where the human brain goes into what the ego perceives as psychotic because it cannot grasp what is happening.  It becomes afraid, paranoid, bitter, blaming, judgmental, narcissistic, arrogant, impatient and it isolates itself while at the same time throwing itself around in its agony.  It tried to numb its own pain with whatever will dull its senses but at its core, it knows it is all only temporary and it fears its own powerlessness.  There is no real control in this for the ego and there is no explanation that it can accept.  This metaphorical 'crucifixion' and 'Armageddon' is what the ego perceives as its own demise and it fights against this 'awakening death' with all its might.  The soul simply waits while the ego learns to surrender and become a team player.  Once they embrace, the Light illumines all and simplicity is revealed as eternal.  There is only one story ever being told, one movie ever being made, one prayer ever being uttered, one song ever being sung and one game ever being played.  We are just all perceiving it at the vibration we are at and it is we who are different at the level of our ego.  The reflection is our own and we will see it in our own time, in our own way, that is the sweetest simplicity of all.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

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Loving the child

I have not feared death for a very long time.  For me, I 'died' so many times that I became much more afraid of living than I ever was of dying.  I became so afraid of life that I sought death, embraced it, called to it and, eventually tried to control it and force it.  I became attached to the illusion of death and now I wonder if it was because I had so steadfastly refused to attach to life.  Of course, the more I chased after death, the more elusive it became, wriggling out of my desperate clutches time after time.  I perceived that God had abandoned me to suffering, misery and eternity.  I almost came to believe that I was destined to live eternally damned, to never be granted the sweet release I thought I would find in death.  But then I found the truth within and I had learned what death had sought to teach me - it was time to  individuate - to cut the symbiotic apron strings I'd built with death and start living my life.  I felt like something died inside as abuse and trauma rocked me out of my illusions time and time again for year after year.  I now see that in each of those moments where 'something died in me that day', my ego had learned to let go.  I see death now as only a state of awakening for the ego as the soul never dies.  I 'died' over and over in order for my sleeping soul to awaken within me and burn off the ego's armour which had grown tight, restrictive and unbending around me.  The inflexibility of that armour encased the cells of my being in rigidity and toxicity, creating physical, mental and spiritual health issues and I had very little knowledge at the time of how to change any of it.  I suffered but therein lies an amazing and majestic wonder all of its own.

All through my teens I told myself that I was born to suffer and that I needed to get used to it, to suck it up and get over it.  I was very harsh, had no compassion or empathy and, as the brain is going through extreme changes at that age, I know now that it was not an abnormal attitude to have.  I had the illusion though of suffering as martyrdom rather than as a lesson to learn from and let go of.  In her own way my mother tried to instruct me on martyrdom but I knew it all.  I truly had to learn my own lessons, as I'm sure many of us do.  I wrapped suffering around me like a cloak of invisibility, choosing to hide from the world.  I imagined myself to be some huge, rotting, putrid enigma that no one could possibly love or accept and, through isolation I was able to support my own illusions on that.  Then I had children.  I loved those babies so much that the world opened up and I had to live, truly begin living.  My ego died again and again in order to love with all my heart and soul.  I loved them so deeply, unconditionally and perfectly that I surrendered all that I believed myself to be.  I arranged my whole world around them because there was nothing else of me.  I didn't know who, how or what to be by then and I didn't yet know that I was learning it right there and then.  As humans it would have been nice for my kids to have a mother who could live her own life in a healthy, adult way.  As souls, we each knew we were family, supporting and unconditional in our love and understanding.  My children were my greatest teachers and they taught me the joy that life can bring when I open myself up to it.  They taught me to take responsibility and to judge less.  They taught me to look within myself for the answers I seek and to stop blaming the world for all of my problems.  They taught me to wake up and aim high, to expand my consciousness and to become mindful of my environment.  My kids taught me the value of life and of love.

I didn't know all this at the time and I struggled to let go of my cloak of suffering.  Although I could not see it then, there was a much bigger awakening that my soul was preparing me for.  It would take many 'deaths' and new beginnings to arrive at the door of my soul; charred and blackened, with the shiny, pink joy of newborn innocence gleaming out from under the carbonised fossil of who I used to be.  In order to get to that gate, I'd had to jump off cliffs; dive into the nothingness of eternity; walk into the fiery bowels of hell itself and holding my own hand, walk out again with my head held high; to drown in a tsunami of feelings and judgments; to die and die and die again until I learned how to embrace life.  Until I saw with clarity and honesty how many thousands of ways I had rejected the gift of creation itself.  I had been mindlessly killing and abusing myself and laying the blame outside of me, preferring instead to slander those who tried to help me stop.  I had lashed out at those who wanted to love me, help me grow and live longer.  I didn't want to and I didn't have to and, and, and, and, and..... The child inside was alone, afraid, abandoned and attached to the illusion of control.  She was not about to let that go without a fight, and that was meant to be too.

I realised a few years ago, after studying attachment styles, neuroscience, child development and transactional analysis, that until I became a secure attachment figure for my inner child, I would be doomed to seek out comfort from others.  My needs would never be met until I learned how to be the one who met them.  No one else can ever meet the need of my own inner child and until I become that parent to myself, I am at the mercy of my suffering.  The beauty is, that suffering is what drove me forward and kept me moving towards my goal.  Now that I am the parent to myself that life has always hoped I'd be, everything has changed in the most beautiful, miraculous and magical ways.

I hope that you find and meet the child inside if you haven't already.  I hope you get the chance to greet and love that child inside past all intellect and sensibility.  I hope you take the chance to fly high on swings, dance in the waves, jump off the cliffs and bravely march through hellfire and beyond, to see and experience for yourself the glory that a love like that can bring to your life.  Loving the inner child is a love like no other and it brings with it the gift of life itself and the whole blazing, phenomenal, incredible, fantastic universe comes with it.

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Boo yah!!

I'm filled with excitement after meditating cross-legged yesterday for the first time.  I've been yearning to try it but been too afraid.  At the age of 7 I used to cross my legs and walk around the room on my knees.  I loved doing it and could do it for ages, it became my favourite exercise for a while.  Be the age of 9 I found it difficult to cross my legs at all and by 15, I could not do it anymore.  In my 20's I found my knees starting to stiffen and by 35, I could almost bend my knees at all.  Drs told me at 37 robot walk up and down stairs or hills anymore as the arthritis in my knees would become worse.  I as barred from exercising outside of water and no treadmill, bike or winning strokes allowed because my back also was broken and would no longer bend.  I was miserable and so did hydrotherapy for 5 years but then I decided to.........dance.

Not dance classes, not aerobics, not even aquarobics.  I danced to Nutbush City Limits.  I danced one song every 2nd or 3rd week and then I took painkillers and slept for an hour.  I gave myself permission to play and dance as a child would and I came to enjoy it.  Last year I started formal meditation and realised I've been performing yoga for decades, I use didn't know that is what I was doing.  Bhakti yoga is huge in my life and always will be.  

Anyway, I can now meditate cross-legged for 40 minutes and, while I will work up to doing that daily, I feel really excited, blessed, grateful and proud that I've reversed all that supposedly irreversible and fatal health problems in the past 10 years.  I know and believe that prayer, mantra, devotion and belief has helped as much as self-love has.  I've gone from being rigid, reactive, inflexible and taking maximum dosage of codeine based painkillers every single day 12 years ago  to sitting cross-legged for almost an hour, walking okay afterwards and needing no painkillers or drugs of any kind fir the past 10 months.  I knew I could do it if I believed I could but proving it is an unbeatable feeling.

I pray that you find a belief in yourself to heal any pain you have, no matter what someone else tells you.

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The cocoon

If we're all different and all at different vibrations, here to learn different things, it makes sense to me we will experience the same things differently too.  I spent decades wondering why child abuse happens and, more importantly at the time, why it had happened to me.  When I first met my husband I began saying that he was my reward for time served.  I felt like I would choose to live the same childhood again if I could also choose to have him waiting at the finish line.  The depth and sweetness of the love we have is so incredible that I cannot adequately describe it in words.  Like the most heavenly melody, our love opens cosmic gateways that call others into our orbit and leave them shining in kind.  It is the kind of love that musicians, writers, bards and poets wax lyrical over and, after years of what I once called misery, I found that love and I held it tight.  That love held me through the darkness of my thawing out.  I was so frozen in fear that I was only capable of judgment and cynicism when I found that love.  I lashed out at it, spitting in fury and pushing it away, vocal and honest about how black and hurtful I saw myself to be.  I oozed a thick tar across my life and I spat it into the air in my turgid terror, wanting so much to break free but not knowing how.  I was trapped in the darkness of awakening and fast losing sight of my own feeble light.  As much as I fought and scratched, my husband reached down into the farthest reaches of my heart and tenderly lifted my Soul back up where I could see it for myself.  In that moment, hope stirred within me for the first time in years and I knew peace.  It was fleeting and flimsy but it was real peace and I wanted to find it again so I threw everything up in the air and ran towards that peace with an abandon I had never known.

In the weeks that followed, my self hatred spewed out of me in a fresh torrent as my ego fought with frenzy against the death it knew it was dying. The blackened, toxic stench of self-loathing and the desire for self-annihilation erupted out of every pore and I reeled in dazed shock.  How on earth could my ego keep me downtrodden in comfortable fear if I opened myself up to a love so true?  It could not, and it knew it.  My poor, dying, deluded ego kicked, screamed, hated, wailed, moaned and flailed in an effort to tear me away but, there was a light in my eyes that I'd sought since creation and I knew in my heart to hold on no matter what.  I doubted my husband, I questioned his motives, I tried to convince him I was bad, I told him all of my worst 'stories' where I'd been the bad guy, I tried to set him free (rescuing him).  I even tried to convince us both that I should go back to where I came from and suffer permanently.  Luckily for me, he was having none of it.  Finally I had met someone strong enough to hold me in the broken places, I'd got to the meeting place and I'd met Love face to face, my ego was paralysed with fear and my Soul was ecstatic - the war raged on inside.  Shadow after shadow raised its head, and as the protagonists in a long and drawn out battle would, they plotted and planned their strategies with care, sending their best soldiers and assassins against me at all hours for months on end.  Often the voracity and suddenness with which they attacked brought me to my knees or worse, planted my face to the dirt.  Now though, I had Love and that gave me hope.  Through all this I've learned to never again underestimate the power of hope.  

That was quite a while ago now and in the past year I've gone through a similar awakening again.  I married my husband last year, at the beginning of the new siege.  Once again he reached in and took my Soul by the hand, this time offering his hand while I raised myself to my feet with dignity.  This time I saw the attack for what it truly is - purification.  My shadow is not out to get me, it has been keeping me safe until I was ready to see it, embrace it, love it and let it go. My ego is my ally, not my enemy.  As my ego learns to let go and allow room for my Soul, amazing things are happening within and without.  I am in a cocoon and it is turning and swirling through the rainbows of Life, metamorphosing me into my true self, a Divine blend of human and spirit.  Both my ego and soul are necessary and The Climb has brought us together as one.  The wings have formed and the pupae is growing, bursts of Light flash gently through my being at times, exercising my nervous system in readiness.  Life is exquisitely fragile yet strong, and so am I.  I have never acknowledged my fragility until now, needing to project myself as impenetrable even to me because I could not penetrate the substrate of fear keeping my heart secure from my own self.

Now I can see the huge projector screen this world provides and have let go of the blame I used as a lance and shield for so long.  Now I'm learning what Love has been teaching me all along.  Now I see the patterns of my life, the silken web of providence, the tapestry of God, the dexterity with which my Soul has sewn my experiences together to create a life of miracles.  Now I see how this moment is every moment of creation and nothing more.  This moment is all that I live for and love is the energy that created it - my own love.  As I throw my arms open wide to greet the day, I thank all that is Love for every moment that this moment now contains.

May your day be as filled with love as I'm choosing mine to be.

RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Faith in me

Today I feel grateful for my faith.  I once had no faith in anything and especially not in myself.  As a small child I had faith, I remember it as something that came naturally to me until about the age of 9.  Between the ages of 9-15, I got lost in pain and judgment and then at 15, the pain was so great that when I survived an horrendous car crash that took the life of my best friend, I gave up my faith in any Divine benevolence wanting to know about me.  I began to coach myself out of faith by noticing when I was leaning on faith and stopping myself.  I see now how even this darkest of times in my life helped me to grow and learn.  I was practicing mindfulness, becoming aware of my thoughts and choosing which thoughts to have.  I couldn't see it but there I was at 15, already taking some responsibility for the life I wanted in that moment.  Although I was hurting really badly and my choices may have created more pain, I know it was the right choice for that moment and it was exactly how I needed my life to go to get me to today where my faith is so strong I can live in a house that is only one bedroom, with everything else outside without walls; with no personal income; 20 minutes from the nearest town, with no fridge and almost no electricity; eating a plant based diet and making friend with kangaroos, Eagles and deer while I share the heart of who I am with people I don't know from around the globe.  Faith led me to live this way because I would never have thought to choose it by myself.  About a year ago I felt called to start this page.  I thought it was madness but I also knew to not ignore a 'call' so I began sharing my poems and musings.  My ego made sure I didn't give too much of myself and, as I've grown more and opened up more to myself it's become easier to trust in my faith.  I am still called to do this and I will continue to answer that call, whatever it takes as I'm learning every day to trust more, that I am really only an instrument.  A few days ago I was going to stop writing my blog as I judged that it was ego writing it.  I spoke to my higher self and handed over the reigns saying "you write it please".  The next day there were over 500 new page likes and I've uttered the same words every day since.

I was an intensely private person until about 10 years ago when I began serving my community and realised that no one could get to know me because I couldn't open up.  I learned how to do that but still held fear as paranoia within me and so I only shared what I deemed 'appropriate' with really rigid control of myself.  I still cared so much then about what other people might think of me that I had still had not worked out how to enjoy life.  I was able to love everyone I met with no expectation of them but I was not doing that for myself too.  Although I was trying and working on it consciously all the time, I was not ready or able to recognise that all it would take was to accept myself exactly as I was in each moment.  I was way too intent on becoming something else.  I laugh lovingly at the memory today of how earnestly I supported others in loving who they were but could not do it for me.  What an incredible classroom I've had.

Today I can love me as is.  Not because I have potential or because of who I might one day become or because of who others say I am, I love me because I love me.  There is no other reason and no quantifiers, no explanations necessary, no expectations nor fears any longer about what I might be labelled because I can now love me.  I just do.  It feels good, it feels natural, it feels right and.......I can let go of the need to love me now and just be love instead.  Love is in my breathing, in my walking, in my learning, in my worship, in my speech, in my writing, in my gardening. It's in my thinking, in the world around me, it's in you and in the earth and in the cosmos.  Loving me is loving all and loving all is loving me.  What a great recognition as I head off to Satsang to be with a wonderful community of people who can sit beside me as my Soul songs it's joy in their joy.

May your day be as blissful and blessed as I'm choosing to make my day today.

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RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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Loving the unloveable

Once I made the conscious decision to BE unconditional love in all ways at all times, I had a new challenge to accept - loving the unloveable.  I was by then happily ensconced in identifying myself as a 'survivor' of child abuse and I believed it was my right and maybe even my duty to hate the 'perpetrators', those whom I felt hurt by.  I not only hated them, I hated every perpetrator on the planet and as I did, my list grew.  There I was, hating people I had never met, with no evidence of any kind necessary to make 'the list'.  Over time, I was able to recognise that statistics show most perpetrators have similar histories to mine and I slowly began to find some compassion but it took a long time.  As I learned to love myself more, my heart opened to others too.  Where once I had been terrified of people known to me or not, I now became less afraid and curious.  Could it really be possible that no one anywhere was trying to hurt me?  I was not convinced for a long time.  I had told myself for 35 years that everyone was out to hurt me and I was very convincing.  Those who loved me were unable to fully penetrate my wall of fear.  Even my children, whom I adore, became scary to me for a while as I saw them approach adulthood.  They were still gorgeous but because they were becoming adults, I began to fear them too.  Thankfully, that was enough to make me want to wake up again.  I didn't want to make them responsible for my fears.  

Over the years I worked on it and began to feel very safe around people after all.  I worked supporting other childhood trauma survivors and really blossomed into Love.  I did however, begin to see a real challenge for myself.  If I had any chance of BEing unconditional love, it would have to include everything and everyone - I'm not a half-hearted-trying kinda girl.  I could not just love some people unconditionally and not others, it's not who I am.  I though about it a lot for a few years on and off and eventually embraced it.  I want to unconditionally love everything and everyone and I will.  It's my goal and I know I can do it.  The first step was to give myself permission to hate and forgive myself for hating at all.  That shifted the need to hate and it was gone.  I then needed to not get caught up in trying to put a SMART timeline to my goal.  Reaching my goal in this lifetime would be good but if I have to take it into the next one, so be it.  My heart began to expand and I found it easier and easier to have compassion and empathy, for everyone.

That was about 7 years ago and I've gone from strength to strength.  I do now love everything and everyone unconditionally and want to support any soul who wants to remember unity: to remember they are Love as I believe we all are.  The people I used to hate are in my heart now too.  I do not associate with most of them because I no longer need to, my soul has learned what it needed from them.  If we were in a room together now, I know I would be safe and so would they.  I can pray for them and wish them happiness in their own lives.  I like who I am now.  Amazingly, I've got to the point where I would love me even if I still hated but I don't still hate and I do love that I can be that person.  I have no need to judge others and, having been facing the blackness of my own shadow, would be a hypocrite to judge someone else's blackness.  Doing that was never going to make anything right for more than a minute.  Judging and blaming myself and others scarred my own heart and it has taken a lot of work to polish it back up again.  I'm content loving all now.  This Love has changed my life and brought more love to me.  It has chased away the hurters and haters and now brought lightworkers to me instead.  I'd say that's a pretty good reward and I'm happy with who I am too which is even better.

I have called back all the hateful energy I sent out into the world as words, thoughts and actions and asked that it be transmuted into unconditional love.  I accept whatever I reap from it and give thanks for more lessons.  I acknowledge the hurt I myself have caused and ask forgiveness from that too.  I choose today to let it all go and step into the power of this moment, of being a BEing of Love and I cast off the shackles of fear that are no longer mine to wear.  I bless and love all of creation, no matter what, and I accept the continuing help that this amazing universe will provide in recognising any un-love still within me.

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RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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The greatest teachers in my life

It takes a community to raise a child and, an Inner Child is no different.  I've been getting to know my own Inner Child for about 12 years now and have been supporting others to consider their own relationship with their Inner Child for a decade.  Both personally and professionally, this is incredibly rewarding.  Having the mother archetype as my main archetype has presented so many joys and challenges and no matter what I press up against in life, my Soul always leads me back to being a mother somehow.  With all of the mothering I end up doing, the sweetest aspect of motherhood for me is loving my children and grandchildren.  There is not one single day that I don't think of them, my children in particular.  It is the image of them that gives me passion to go on when I'm not sure I can. They taught me how to love, the humility borne of unconditional love, how to go on loving even when hope is gone.  They taught me how to meditate: sitting in silence and watching them play, laugh, run and sleep.  My kids taught me how to let go: giving them up too young because I thought I was destroying us all.  They taught me sacrifice:  to give them up for their sake and not for mine.  They taught me to look beyond myself and look within myself, to open up to the truth of who I really am.  They taught me to see the Light and the dark of who I am and to want to wake up.  They taught me vulnerability, courage, joy, simplicity, integrity, fairness, wisdom, unity, faith, clarity, devotion and compassion.  My kids taught me how to dream, love, hope, despair, attach, surrender, expand, feel, heal, hug, desire, need, want, live, die and repeat.  These amazing souls have been my greatest teachers, my gurus for a time.  I see the Masters in them and, when I was ready, they gave their blessing for my next teacher to appear.  There have been many times I've wanted to give up during the past 12 years but the lessons I learned from these great sages always came to mind at just the right time, whether a word, a feeling, an image, a memory or a song.  Something always reached out across time and space to draw me forward, to draw me towards more love. 

When I discovered my own Inner Child, I knew I had to pass on all of this love I'd been taught to bear.  I knew that it had all been so that I could be that Love for myself too.  At first I struggled, I didn't get it at all but, the 'carrot' was that I wanted to feel better so I could be with my kids again.  For two years I went to counselling every day and support groups 3x each week because I wanted to be 'good enough' to be around my kids again.  I had such a low opinion of myself and judged myself so harshly that I would not let myself be with them, but the desire drew me onwards.  Wanting to be with them fuelled my drive to do whatever it took for two whole years.  Then I met my Inner Child and I started to see why everything had been going so wrong in my life.  My tank was completely empty because I had never filled it and in fact, I'd never known I had a tank to fill in the first place!  The ache in my heart at not being able to be with my children and shower them with this huge capacity for love that I knew I had felt overwhelming all the time.  Even though I had found another great love, it was not mother love and with the Inner Child, I suddenly found purpose again.  I began to see how good I had been at motherhood all along and I'd never been able to see that before.  I had always thought I was a terrible mother because I had never been able to see anything good about myself at all in the world.  It was as if I knew that I was a pure, loving Soul but hated my 'human' self.  There was a separateness of being I did not know about then and it was killing me.

Two years after meeting my Inner Child, I finally made the breakthrough I needed and 'felt' a connection with her (myself).  Immediately that energy came alive within me, I saw a gorgeous little girl throw herself at me in front of a university and hug me tightly with all the joy a child shows at uniting with a cherished parent.  (Yesterday came the knowledge that I've been at the University of life since then and have just graduated with honours).

I made a vow that day to always be her mother, my mother, no matter what it takes.  In the 10 years since then, some incredible things have occurred within me and my life and there were still times when I thought I could not go on, or times when I thought I should have been giving my own children what I was giving to myself and others.  I devoted every waking and sleeping moment to re-parenting myself and learning to know and be my real and whole self.  I trained to support others in finding their Inner Child and, I felt a purpose unfolding within that lit an eternal flame.  I came to know that nothing will ever douse that flame now.  Although I judged myself as unworthy of being a mother for a very long time, I tried to become better, to chip away at all of the things I believed had created the 'not good enough'.  I came to believe that I could be a good mother but I didn't know how and parenting myself showed me how wrong I'd always been - how wonderful a mother I can be.  I learned what my calling is in this life and I set out to be all that.  That's when I knew that I had to stop striving for perfection and accept myself as I am.  I knew that if I don't start believing in myself, no one else would be able to either.  My Inner Child needed me to stop everything and BE.  

My chosen path has been to experience all that I once believed I'd missed out on in life.  I once blamed others whom I'd felt hurt by for that but I know now that my own fear stopped me and nothing else.  There is no blame in me for it, it was all learning and I'm very grateful for it now, all of it.  I know I didn't miss out on anything at all, that it was only my perception of it and my judgments around it that told me that.  I have recreated every experience to the point that recently I recreated a womb experience too, of being born into this world again as innocence.  Through all this, I've learned first hand that we truly all do create our own reality.  What we each believe is true for us and not for anyone else.  I've learned that every child and Inner Child is precious and perfect.  I've learned to love myself and you and to know that life is us and not just me.  I've learned that I am the entire Universe and the entire Universe is me.  That my soul and human self is one.  That you and I are one.  That nature, nurture, physical, mineral, plant, animal, the cosmos, and the core of the earth are all one and that my own energy is the creator and destroyer in the universe that I perceive as me.  I've learned that I am Love and Light and that I have no desire to be anything else.  I've learned that the more I love myself, the easier it is to love you more.  I've learned that everything I perceive outside of me is merely a reflection of what I need to see about myself.  I've learned that the more I love, the more I see how unLove I've been and I now love that too.

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I see you and I see myself and, no matter what, I love what I see.

RememberingUnity

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lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

#innerchild #mindfulness #prayer #inspiration #quote #vibration #inspiringquotes #followforfollow #ascension #awakening #light #selflove #raiseyourvibration #unity #spiritualhealing #soul #gratitude #neuroscienceinaction #love #unityconsciousness #life #healing #tothineownselfbetrue #positivevibes #mythoughts #energy #peaceonearth #remembering