Great!!

I want to thank the people who have believed in me while I have been unable to believe in myself (46 years).  There have been a few moments I was able to believe in myself but not able to sustain that belief for any great length.  I have realised tonight that I had gotten as far as believing that God has called me to DO something great and I have accepted that honour.  I had not realised however that He has also called me to BE something great, nor did I believe I was really ready anyway.  I have been comforting myself with the message that "God does not call the equipped, he equips the called" and my interpretation was that eventually He would shape me into what He needs me to be and that it would be hard but very worth it.   It has actually never occurred to me before now that He has already done the shaping through paring-peeling back the layers of fear to uncover the me He created me to be-the me that I am, the me I need to see and to be.   I truly believe everyone is created great but had not applied that to me and when the thought first hit me tonight "I am already great" I was filled with fear that I 'should' not allow myself to think that, but I have evidence, I just hadn't been seeing it (obvious to me why my eyesight has also been failing since I 'answered the call').

Marianne Williamson's reading has spoken to me many times calling me out of shrinking back but I was standing just outside this 'truth' because I did not recognise it at all.  I held onto my belief that I was called but not enough yet.  I feel silly even writing this, which is why I am writing it and sharing it.  I may feel silly but it is very much okay to let that feeling flow through me and not stick, to stand up and take its power away through being brave enough to own it and share it.  To stare fear in the face and make it get out of my way.

I have realised also that with all of the internal work I've done, I had been recognising the aspects of myself through the connections to trauma, which has been very healing and very effective overall.  Now it's time to see more, to do an internal 'strengths' workshop so I can finally begin to acknowledge my own strengths as strengths and have something tangible to refer back to the next time I climb back into my once comfortable 'I'm not enough/not good enough' hole.

So right now I really appreciate all those people who believed in me while I was unable to believe in myself and, I also feel appreciation for those who did not, or right now do not, believe in me because you've played a big part in this too and I thank you for that.

Until next time

xxjxx

Living in a tent

Have you heard of 'glamping'?  It is 'glamour camping' or camping in style.  There are silk tents, flushing recycle toilets, and any of the creature comforts of a modern home now available for the glamper.

'Glamping' is up the scale from how I'm choosing to live right now.  I'm camping in style, living on the land in a tent.  I have my big, plush comfy bed in there to sleep in, timber & iron frame with a pillow top chiropractic mattress and silk doona cover embroidered with sequins.  On either side of my bed, there are timber & iron bedside tables and huge windows for a 360 degree view.  Outside my room, I have 2 comfy armchairs, a stove with hot plates, a huge sunroom, a gas heater, a million dollar view and quiet, peaceful neighbours on all sides aaaand I have continuous instant hot water.  There is an ensuite with 2 toilets and a huge pantry- sound glamourous?

Suitcases and bags line the walls around the bed with clothes hastily stuffed in since moving and nowhere else to store them, the ensuite is the sunroom and I have no running water to heat (sorting that today). The neighbours are kangaroos, dozens of them quietly grazing, the armchairs fold up, the stove is a 4-burner BBQ, the toilets are camping portapotties, the gas heater can only be used outdoors ( it's freezing at night), the butane canisters freeze trying to boil water for coffee and the bed is on such a slope, I roll over the side in my sleep- now how glamourous does it sound?

I chose to do this-live in a tent.  I am enjoying every minute here in nature.  There are so many things of beauty, the sounds of hundreds of different bird calls, frogs, crickets and gentle breezes; the sight of kangaroos playing and eagles flying against a pure blue sky; the smell of hot food cooking over an open flame; the feeling of being at one with nature and close to the earth.  This is bliss.  This is heaven for me.  Time with the person I love with very few distractions or interruptions.  Time for me, I'm as solar-powered as my lights are!  Time in the fresh air and sunshine with traffic a strange, rare, far off hum and no on-the-grid power.  Letting go of the attachment to "things", to consumables, to clutter, to waste, to fears and avoidance.  This is me being real and unashamed.  This is me loving me enough to do what I need to do for me.  I am still working full time and overtime.  I'm still getting my nails done.  I am still the same person I was last week.  I am just more at peace and more content because I have removed the stressors from living for a while.

I choose to live in the tent while I plan my next house. I intend to find out what I really want from a house before I commit to buying it and I will enjoy that too.

Until next time

xxjxx

I am of the earth

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

Like earth, I can be easily moved in some ways and steadfastly immovable in others.  I have lofty mountain peaks covered in ice and fiery pools of passion deep within.  I rumble and belch my slights and explode into volcanic emotion when the pressure builds too high, sending out huge rivers of feeling into the air around me to be eventually cooled and hardened, sometimes taking years to recover and allow the pain to heal.  I bruise easily at times and soften murkily like a muddied pool in the rain.  At other times I can be as stark and unloving as a hot desert, as lush and productive as a tropical rainforest, as dark and gloomy as an underground cavern and still at other times as dim and mysterious as a moonlit field.  The rivers and streams of my feelings, thoughts, dreams and hopes meander mostly through me freely and with ease while there are dams and fiords still holding back the flow, man-made by pain, control and expectations set far too high.  Humanity has left marks upon me which I have borne in solid silence, seemingly powerless in the moment but strong enough and patient enough to wait and ponder on before allowing the wind to blow it all away, the rain to cleanse me and allow the new growths to sprout in hope, the promise of new beginnings.

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

Like earth, I can be neglected, abandoned, rejected, abused, violated, subjugated, controlled, manipulated, used, wounded and misunderstood.  I can also, like earth, be loved, nurtured, guided, supported, understood, cherished, nursed, recreated, celebrated and feted.  You can choose to work with me or against me and I will remain available in the capacity I can be with patience and love.  One thing is for certain:

The earth is my mirror and, like the earth, there is much about me than can be plainly seen and much about me that lies beneath, waiting to be discovered and explored.

xxjxx

Approval

As I reflect I realise that for all of my life I have been seeking approval, from my parents, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children, teachers, acquaintances, friends, strangers -approval. I longed for it, fought for it, cried for it, pined for it -approval.  I was 38 years old before I got approval from myself, before I finally gave me approval and yet I still have been seeking it from others.  

I'm realising ever so slowly that it is a futile search and a disempowering one too.  It is not fair to me nor to anyone I'm seeking approval from.  The way that I choose to feel is my responsibility and no one else's.  I now realise that when I expect others to approve of me, I'm unconsciously asking them to judge me.

I wish I'd seen this before now.  I'm sure I was not ready before now to see it though and now that I do, I want to change it.  I forgive myself and I'm glad I see this now.  Letting go of my attachment to approval is so liberating and empowering.

Life is not a personality contest.  It is not about approval.  Other people owe me nothing nor do I owe anyone else.  Today I take more responsibility for me and give everyone else the same grace.

May the need for approval rest in peace, I've got happy living to do.

xxjxx

Letting go

I recently asked God to help me let go of my attachment to being right and to walk beside me while I go through it-why?

I thought it through very carefully, what I really needed God's help with.  I considered what it might mean.  I even thought for a moment that maybe I was mad.  I did not for one moment, think it would be easy.  I was sure it would be really hard and really painful.  I felt scared.  I also felt sure.

I am living my life to BE love.  I feel scared a lot and fear does not feed my soul.  My soul does not know or even recognise fear.  I believe fear is simply a human illusion perpetuated to control, but it's not real.  Danger is real but not fear.  Fear is what I feel when I'm not feeling love.  

I don't know what other souls want or need.  I don't know what other people want or need (unless they honestly share it with me).  I will not read minds or make assumptions.  I will patiently wait while others work things out for themselves and I will stand strong beside them when they ask.  I will not disempower anyone by reading their mind because to me that is violating their emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries.  That is not who I am.  That is not who I want to be.  

I want and choose to BE love.  I want and need to breathe love, see love, feel love, hear love, think love and live love.  I do not want to pretend it, I want to be real.  I am not out to impress anyone, hurt anyone, fool anyone or let anyone down.  My purpose is simple and clear and it is enough for me.  

I love supporting people-listening and walking alongside.  I do not do it FOR anyone else but dearly love to do it WITH them.  Sadly many people seem to want me to be what they want me to be and do not see me but merely their perception of me and I feel truly sad about that but still I will not pretend to be something I'm not.   I will feel that sadness, pain, grief and fear and I will shine ever brighter because I am sure of love, sure of God and sure of my own purpose.  Loving all others is my commitment to myself and to others.  I used to think love was about being kind but I've grown up since then and I think love is about being real, genuine, honest.  I wish I were better at it and I know I have quite a way to go but my intention is set.  I appreciate more now the people who are unkind (when they are honest and not abusive) as they help me grow as much as kind people do. 

Letting go of my attachment to being right is one of the most serious and difficult things I've ever committed to. I want truth in my ears, love in my eyes, passion in my heart and strength in my mind.  I want to serve with humility and compassion and needing to be right will stand in my way so I'm letting go of that attachment to free myself and realise my dream.  I will let go of most of what I have soon so I am unencumbered by 'things' too.  I want to commit to making things simple for myself again.  I have realised over the last little while how tired I am of chaos.  I gave up drama years ago and am still stunned at times how much drama there is in the world.  I don't want that anymore.  

Love is what I need and want and I want that attachment to be rock solid and unshakeable.

Love, love, love

All I need is love

xxjxx

Purpose

A few years ago I was reading a book by Dr Wayne Dyer and he wrote about purpose, wondering if, supposing I came from God and God was love (and God knows and is nothing more than love) what purpose would I have asked God to let me come here and fulfill?  For a few weeks I pondered this and tried to find something about it to reject but it had struck a chord within me as I tried reflecting back on my life to discover if, in fact, my life had all been a journey to fulfill some greater calling, some purpose. What if, I wondered, I really was a soul born from love, here to have a physical existence to fulfill some divine intent of my own request?  What would that request have been?  What path have I really been on?  What is the answer to why I'm here at all?

One morning, I sat atop a large boulder under some gum trees to continue my reflection when suddenly it hit me "I came here to experience love!! To feel love, be love, give love, receive love, have love, lose love, enjoy love, grieve the loss of love, rejoice in love - to really, through every sense - experience love.  Love, the essence of life, the glory of creation, the blessing of being, the guiding light.  Love, for so long elusive and unobtainable.  How could this be my purpose though, when I had been so hurt and wronged? I imagined I had gotten a very raw deal if this was indeed my purpose on this earth but then, my mind dared to wonder if maybe I was still looking at this through unseeing eyes.  

Suddenly my perspective shifted again and I began to see how all of my life to that point had possibly helped and supported my journey to fulfilment.  I had previously seen only what abuse had done to me and never considered that it may have also worked for me.  I see it now but I resisted the knowledge at first because I was not quite ready to let go of the blame.  I was not quite ready to accept the ultimate responsibility, that I may have indeed asked to come here.  Did that mean I was to blame for what I went through!  If I accepted responsibility, was I absolving the hurters?  Would everything change if I believed it? 

I found it thrilling and scary all at once.  I experienced what I can only describe as momentary enlightenment that day. My entire life, my history, my pain, suddenly it all made so much sense.  Those hurters gave me the gift of showing me, very clearly, what love is not and in so doing, they too helped me on my journey to fulfill my souls true purpose - to fully experience love in human form.  To experience the complexities of life, the powerful energy in motion within me (e+motion), the endurance of my spirit and the courage of my heart.  My whole existence has meaning and purpose.  I finally felt that I had meaning and purpose and I have been unwilling to hate ever since.  I have finally found forgiveness and clarity.  While my ego attempts to seduce me with fear and blame, my soul holds to Ghandi with, "be the change you want to see in the world."

Many people find me intense, frustrating, annoying and simplistic.  I don't need them to like me as life is not a personality contest and I'm not here to meet the needs of others through becoming a chameleon liked I became so used to doing when I knew no better.  What I do need is to love God with all my heart and soul and love my neighbour as I love my self (and love myself as I love my neighbour).   These words took on a whole new meaning for me that day and now, although I know it will not be easy in any way, it is simple and I am committed to fulfilling my own destiny - I am love and that is my sole and my soul purpose.

Until next time

xxjxx

Perspective

Many years ago, I heard someone say something.  It sounded utterly horrible to me and I suddenly thought "I don't ever want to be like that".  I solemnly uttered a sincere prayer: "please God, don't ever let me be like that.  Please open my mind, my heart, my eyes and my ears so that I may never say things like that.  Please, please, please don't let me be like them."  

I felt angry at what I perceived that persons attitude to be and I wondered how anyone could think that way.  Over the next few years, I certainly came to understand them better as I learned about my own attitudes, values and beliefs.  I had always considered myself very open minded and non judgmental and I had prided myself on those qualities, boasting often and trying to make others see the errors of their ways.

What I know now is that all was not what it appeared even then and I was seeing what I saw, hearing what I heard and experiencing what I experienced through a very distorted filter that was so clogged up with toxic debris (trauma) that there was very little way anything good could possibly come through it.

I haven't learned this about myself by just thinking about things in my head.  I have had the challenging, difficult, and very humbling, healing honour of massive triggers and 8 years of regular counselling and attending self development workshops and support groups, reading copious books and articles to rip up the old foundations of me and create a new, healthier me to build on.  Maybe it was chipping away the hardened, fear-based shell that had enveloped me for most of my life.  Whatever I was I doing, I'm glad I've done it because these days, I am much more able to look at everything from many different angles and to try and see things from another persons perspective without my old need to control everything and be right!  I had such an attachment to being right that I was almost always wrong :-)

I once attended a workshop where 15 of us, who did not know each other longer than a workshop, were shown a blob of paint.  Each of us were asked to quietly write down what we each saw and not talk while we did it.  We then went round and shared, in turn, what we each had seen.  We all expressed surprise to learn that only 2 people in the group had seen the same thing as each other-all 13 of the rest of us had seen something entirely different from everyone else in the room!! It was a blob of paint they prepared while we all watched.  It was totally random and yet, we all saw something different.  It really made me think about how many assumptions I'd made about others and about the belief I'd had to that point that everyone knew what I knew and everyone heard, saw, felt, etc what I did. No one else experiences what I experience, exactly the way I experience things and vice versa.  

I used to think everyone (yes, the child in me exaggerated it to me that much I believed it was everyone) picked on me.  It was only as my perception changed and I healed thetrauma that I began to see that wasn't even remotely true.  Not EVEROYONE did, it was a few.  There were some really nice people along the way too but I forgot the really nice ones and was convinced the plain nice ones were all in on "it" too.  My fear had totally blackened my lenses to the point that I could only see fear!  I could not have cleaned my lenses by myself without lots of time, support, courage and without people who were brave enough to challenge me because they cared enough to try and help me realise I was not always right. 

 I was not kind, I yelled at them and even mocked them for what I saw as their naïveté and  lack of knowledge, even accused them of not caring or trying to hurt me more.  I tried to tell myself they were horrible too, now they were the ones trying to hurt me, but you know what, eventually I had to stop blaming them for what I refused to see - that I was wrong and, that I was the common denominator in all of my painful experiences - not them, me.

Over time, with lots of stumbles, I finally came to the point where I started to believe that every person in my life is a reflection, either of something I need to learn about me or something I need to learn about others - both so I can be more me and be more loving to myself and everyone else.  Today, if I start to think someone is doing something to me, I try to stop myself as quickly as I become aware of it and turn it back to me with no blame ("if there was no blame June, what would this look like then?").  Sometimes it takes a while to get there but I work towards it anyway because I always fell much better when I can get to that within myself.  I want to be that person.

I no longer believe there is anyone trying to hurt me.  If their behaviour hurts me, they must be in pain coz only hurting people hurt people and I know that hurt so I want to help if I can or leave them to work it out alone (their choice which one). 

 I no longer need anyone to experience what I experience because I am able to more fully experience my own self and my own being in my own way.  I aim to get to a point where I don't ever NEED to be right, be heard, be noticed, be believed, be seen and I might not achieve that but I aspire to it because each step closer to that goal I get, the easier everything is becoming.

I hope others get the chance to get what I've got from my prayer since I first prayed it.  I got pain, heartache, wonder, miracles and joy and I'm getting clarity.  For me, nothing in this world has or will ever change except the way that I look at it - my perception and that is a positive to me.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx

Patterns

I find patterns fascinating.  I try to look for patterns in my life, in people, in myself, in the world.  When I am in a grounded, positive and loving place inside, I notice patterns all around me and it feels empowering to me, like fore-thought, a sense of being in control of myself and my destiny.  In a pattern, different people will come to me with same issue or a number of people will say the same words or things will repeat till I notice them repeating.  

The downside of these patterns is patterning, absorbing patterns, being blind to patterns.  Patterns show/tell me what I need in that moment to heal and feel better.  That doesn't mean I will feel better, to me it means that if I look at what I can learn and feel what I feel, the pattern stops and a new pattern emerges.

There are patterns everywhere and the more I heal, the more patterns I notice.  The more patterns I notice, the more I heal.  For example, one day i might have 4 people each mention they are working through abandonment issues and the next day, up comes my core trauma around feeling abandoned.

These patterns can teach me if I pay attention.  I do try and I find that the more I talk to God and 'fill my tank' spiritually, the more I notice the patterns.  It feels almost like pointers from God for where to go next and I like thinking of it like that.

The current pattern I am aware of is inadequacy and fear.  Of course, most patterns contain a fear-based element and I generally am immune to that now but every now and then my baring plunges me back into fear and anxiety and I start to come from ego again which reinforces the fear and makes the pattern invisible again.

Right now, onwards and upwards

xxjxx

Feather or sledgehammer?

I was just reflecting on an option I have been presented with today and I was thinking "thanks God, for another sledgehammer" when I realised that I have known for quite some time where He wants me next and in my usual way,  have put a lot of energy into avoiding the issue. 

I know very well that I will go where God leads for I took that vow some time ago and I did not think for one minute that life would be easier because of it, I just know that I want to make that commitment. I also know that I have historically been a 'sledgehammer' kind of person - never really making life-changing decisions until I get a sledgehammer around the head aka feel forced to make a change.

Recently though, a friend spoke to me about feathers and I put out there at the time that I want to be a 'feather' kind of person and not the sledge hammer kind.  I want to use foresight instead of hindsight to accept the gifts and path that God gives me and let go of the strong attachment I've had to struggling, powerlessness and suffering.

I recognise that part of stepping into my own power is about letting go of the need to be forced, to choose my life willingly and be grateful for what comes to me.  

Here I am today feeling afraid and anxious of change again and all that it may mean; feeling scared and powerless again; the truth is, I have received another feather to lead me towards change, towards my purpose, and if I don't make a willing choice for myself, the sledgehammer is waiting in case I need it.  How much more self abuse do I need to indulge in before I retire that sledge?  

None.  

I am choosing the feather today.  

Today I will walk through the door to another life; a life of love, power and choice; a life of service and fulfilment; a life of giving and receiving; a life of learning and growing; a life committed to being all that I was created to be.

Today I will be grateful and am grateful for the feathers and I hereby retire my poor, worn out sledgehammer with love and grace.

Onwards and upwards.

xxjxx