Great!!

I want to thank the people who have believed in me while I have been unable to believe in myself (46 years).  There have been a few moments I was able to believe in myself but not able to sustain that belief for any great length.  I have realised tonight that I had gotten as far as believing that God has called me to DO something great and I have accepted that honour.  I had not realised however that He has also called me to BE something great, nor did I believe I was really ready anyway.  I have been comforting myself with the message that "God does not call the equipped, he equips the called" and my interpretation was that eventually He would shape me into what He needs me to be and that it would be hard but very worth it.   It has actually never occurred to me before now that He has already done the shaping through paring-peeling back the layers of fear to uncover the me He created me to be-the me that I am, the me I need to see and to be.   I truly believe everyone is created great but had not applied that to me and when the thought first hit me tonight "I am already great" I was filled with fear that I 'should' not allow myself to think that, but I have evidence, I just hadn't been seeing it (obvious to me why my eyesight has also been failing since I 'answered the call').

Marianne Williamson's reading has spoken to me many times calling me out of shrinking back but I was standing just outside this 'truth' because I did not recognise it at all.  I held onto my belief that I was called but not enough yet.  I feel silly even writing this, which is why I am writing it and sharing it.  I may feel silly but it is very much okay to let that feeling flow through me and not stick, to stand up and take its power away through being brave enough to own it and share it.  To stare fear in the face and make it get out of my way.

I have realised also that with all of the internal work I've done, I had been recognising the aspects of myself through the connections to trauma, which has been very healing and very effective overall.  Now it's time to see more, to do an internal 'strengths' workshop so I can finally begin to acknowledge my own strengths as strengths and have something tangible to refer back to the next time I climb back into my once comfortable 'I'm not enough/not good enough' hole.

So right now I really appreciate all those people who believed in me while I was unable to believe in myself and, I also feel appreciation for those who did not, or right now do not, believe in me because you've played a big part in this too and I thank you for that.

Until next time

xxjxx