Epilogue to fear

Last week I wrote about fear.  Continuing on from last week, I thought I would share something that was an incredible experience for me since then.

After posting last weeks' blog, I became very excited about recognising and naming fear for what it is.  As quickly as I did that, more fears kept presenting.  It was like a cycle and I was intrigued by it.  I felt confident I was moving forward and then, crash, I fell into it and it erupted out of me in a tirade of self doubt and self loathing.  I owned the behaviour and apologised immediately although I still felt guilty and ashamed (more fear based reacting!)

I spoke to a friend about how I want to be able to turn fear into love, thus disempowering it.  A couple of days later while mulling it over, I recognised that fear is a part of me and has been almost constant within me for as long as I remember.  These days, I refuse to talk to any parts of myself in any way that is not loving and I felt challenged to do that this time so I thought back to how I address the critical parent in me (transactional analysis) and viola!!  I said to fear, "thank you for being such a constant companion fear.  You have always been there for me when nothing else was.  You have worked so tirelessly and without thanks for so long to teach me and keep me safe and I have never acknowledged that.  I feel so grateful to you for all that you have done and I'm sorry.  I would dearly love to work with you to find a way for you to take a break, to relax and share some of the load.  Please know that I love you and I want to help you".

By the time I finished, fear was gone and I was filled with love and joy.  I wondered how I had not thought of this sooner but everything has it's time.

I've been struggling since then to process what is coming up but I have immense hope and faith.  I let go of the need to control the timing of my healing a long time ago and I enjoy the freedom of allowing my emotions to guide my journey and not push or have expectations of myself around that.  It's not easy but it has been rewarding to stress less about what I want to happen and just simply allow myself to be.

Last night I tried processing anger and wondered why I was left feeling tense and un-joyful and in talking about it with a friend today, I realise it's because I've moved through that stage and have found a new level of being that involves loving more than fearing.  Last night I was trying to release anger that is born of fear and because of the recent shift in me, my brain does not want to go that way so tonight, I will process the same things with love and I imagine that will feel much better.

Till next time

xxjxx

fear

I refuse to give fear any conscious power any more.  So much so that I am not even spelling it with a capital in the title here.

fear has been a constant companion of mine for as long as I can remember and over the past 3 years I have been trying to recognise it more quickly and feel the energy of it, to move through it as quickly as possible and let it go so I am free to feel love and joy instead.  It's not easy.  My brain has a very strong map for fear and at my age, my brain is loathe to create new maps, but it can and I am.  By doing one thing different, taking tiny, baby steps, I feel certain that change is happening.  It takes time and practice and I am determined, I believe I can do it so I know that I am.

Last night I was very steadfastly declaring how strongly I feel about exposing fear for what it is to me and wrapping it with love.  My new catchphrase for myself is "if it is not from love, it is fear".  I knew, even as I said it that I was sending out some sort of cosmic challenge by merely speaking those words and I am ready to pay the piper on this.  I want to BE love and I cannot do that if I stay in fear.  I have vowed to serve God and I cannot do that if I serve fear too.  I want to be humble and fear will keep humility from me so I have declared war on fear, peaceful, loving, resolute war.  It's funny to me this is the first time I have been able to think of any kind of war in a positive way.

And it is positive.  As I have been afraid of so much for so long, fear is a part of me like any other and I will therefore not abuse that.  I am committed to loving every part of myself unconditionally and finding a purpose for everything that makes me me.  I am now on a journey of discovering how I can love fear unconditionally, embrace it, love it forgive it and find a new role for it that works for all of me.

Today I could sense fear poking at me and I stood firm over and over again.  Each time I said "hey, that's fear, come back here.  God can you deal with this."  Each time, fear left defeated and each time, I felt more happy and strong.  Unfortunately I allowed my attention to wander and fear sneaked in and bit me again more sharply.  Then I was triggered and all my fear came screaming out through tears, anguish and self-hatred.  This is what fear does, it turns me against myself and others and takes me away from love, from being who I want to be.  This is fear and I am truly sorry for the pain I cause in my fear.  I have apologised and learned.  What happened to me today was a timely reminder to be vigilant and to love myself more.  That fear was able to take hold because I was not ready to take responsibility for what is mine and so I took responsibility for what is not mine.  I now know that I need to continue on as I do, loving, learning. Exploring and dreaming.

I need to acknowledge and accept where I'm at and keep moving forward one, tiny baby step at a time.  Sorry fear, love lives here and if you don't love, you are no longer squatting in me.  You have hereby been served notice.  You tenancy is up and I will not be renewing the lease.

I'm off now to sleep restfully and peacefully.  No fear.

xxjxx

Life experience matters

I wash 15 before I figured out how to wash my body properly instead of just letting water fall over it.  I was 17 before I learned to iron clothes and to this day I hate it.  I learned to apply makeup from Dolly magazine.  I learned to cook properly from Australian Women's Weekly and in Home Economics at school.  I learned English from Christine Lovatt and Mr Wisdoms Whopper.  I learned mathematics from living hand-to-mouth throughout my late teens.  I learned optimism from counsellors.  

I'm still learning about hair care, skin care, nutrition, exercise, my body, my brain, my feelings, my spirituality and my self.  I am now 45.

There is no one to blame for my lack of information.  My mother taught me all that she knew and then some.  Sadly, she didn't know about self care either.  Had my father been there, he would have had little more to share.  Self care was not included in their own upbringings.  

I feel sad about all the people who even now, do not have any concept of self care, self worth, self esteem, self love or self nurturing.  I know people who don't know how to wash dishes, who don't know how to sweep, mop or vacuum a floor, how to cook or clean, how to wash, how to iron, how to brush their teeth, how to say yes or no, how to "be".  Every one of these people has extraordinary gifts of their own.  Many are completely unaware of the information they lack.  Each is incredible in many ways and, they have taught me to judge less and love more.

Although I have grieved what I thought I lacked, I have a huge appreciation for what I've got and my motto is: "if I've learned something new, I've had a very good day".

I don't want to be a genius, nor do I consider 'knowledge' all that important.  I am simply trying to provide the child parts of me with enough learning to grow up in a healthy, well adjusted way, with nurturing, good health and nutrition and to have reasonable expectations of myself.  and I am very happy to encourage others to do that in their own way too.

xxjxx

A long, living, loving life

Today, I sat beaming from ear to ear, face and hands covered in orange paint, in a class full of people.  I felt happy, peaceful, excited, scared, anxious, sad and content all at the same time.  I had just jumped another chasm of trauma and landed safely on the healing side of me.

During this leap of faith, I experienced the sensations of feeling fear in my body as it happened.  Not old fear from the past or imagined fear of the future but sudden, trembling, real and instant fear from that very moment and I gave myself permission to stop and allow it to pass through me unhindered.  It was scary.  It was also incredible and I felt so free, alive, real and whole as I did that.  I wanted to whoop for joy but I gave fear it's time and then gave myself permission to just be.  I moved through many facets of myself in wonderment and awe afterwards and I felt completely at ease being young, younger, old, older, male, female, human, spirit, whole and shameless.  I experienced being a healthier me today and I loved it.  

The fear came from claiming back my body and letting go of the unconscious need to feel my body through pain.

A wonderful woman sat silently by me as I gifted myself with this blessed moment and in her heart space, seemed completely at ease while she waited.  I feel blessed and grateful today.  I had only ever fully experienced fear before as terror, pain and powerlessness, never before had I felt simple, clean fear.  I have had so many moments of that overwhelming horror that my brain had learned to switch off to the slightest exposure to fear.  It turns out that while I was very afraid of many things, I could not feel fear inside me because without terror and pain, the instant numbness always took over and rescued me, disempowering me in its own way.

I hated my body for many years, for many reasons and I've been working towards changing that for a few years now.  Over the past couple of weeks, I knew something big was about to happen within and I was content to just let it surface in its own time and way.  I have learned great patience and it really paid off today.  Resisting the urge to hurry it up because others wanted me to.  Choosing resolutely to make different choices for myself.  Repeating every day "good morning body, I love you".  Becoming more mindful of how I speak about my body and the biggest shift, finally acknowledging, understanding, permitting and accepting that my body is a part of who "I" am.  That might sound weird but I have been so disconnected to my body my whole life that it did not actually seem like a part of me at all.  I'm not sure I can explain it and maybe I don't need to.

Now that I have welcomed my body into my 'being' I will listen better to it, honour it more, cherish it more and love it more.  I know I will, I've already started.  I feel sad that it took me so long when I have already learned to love every other part of myself unconditionally - my soul, my brain, the fragments of my psyche - it's okay to feel sad, right now.  I will feel it, move through it and celebrate that I can feel the sadness because I am who I am and everything else is a big, beautiful bonus.

For many years I abused my body in my ignorance and I am sorry for that.  I have gorged and starved my body at times.  I have worked it like a slave till it broke down, cracked the whip over myself while exercising and had no concern when it became sore or tired, lazed around till it atrophied, deprived it of sleep and plied it with alcohol and drugs to distance myself from it further, medicated it to make it more numb because I did not understand the pain was a warning.  I've caused damage over the years to my poor, long suffering,  wonderful, amazing body and now, slowly but surely, I am repairing that damage with love, patience, kindness and awareness.  My body is a temple and I will love it my own way.

xxjxx

Love and fear

Love.  The only thing real.  Fear.  An illusion I create within myself when I am not loving.  Judging. A fear based behaviour that soothes my ego and feeds the fear.  Blaming.  Another fear based behaviour that I can deceive myself with when I feel afraid.  Control. A natural, non-love reaction to fear.

Fear:                                          Love:

shame,                                      confidence

control                                       abandon

judgment.                                  acceptance

blaming.                                    gratitude   

ego,                                           soul

limiting.                                      liberating

labelling.                                    individuality

scorning.                                   celebrating

justifiying.                                  embracing

suffering.                                   experiencing

surviving.                                   thriving

doing.                                        being

closing off.                                opening up

stifling.                                      breathing

inertia.                                       exhilaration

hopelessness.                           miraculous

deadening.                                life-giving

war.                                           peace

anger.                                        patience

earthly.                                      ethereal

isolation.                                    solitude

separateness.                            togetherness

me/you.                                      us/we

Oh that I may cast off my illusion and stand more firmly in love.  Be more loving.  Think more lovingly.  Speak with love.  Grow familiar with love.  Welcome love.  Accept love.  Embrace love.  Be love.

© June Parkin 2014

Self forgiveness

I took part in a discussion about forgiveness today with some loving, open-hearted people and although I once spurned the very idea of forgiving those that I had once felt very hurt by, I realised with joy today that I truly have found forgiveness for each of them now.  I now choose to believe that each of those people were coming from a place of personal torment within themselves, a lack of self-awareness and self-love and that they each have taught me something very valuable too.  I did not suddenly wake up one day and decide to forgive.  Forgiveness was a whole journey of its own for me and I gave myself a lot of time and patience to travel that particular path.  It was where I wanted to get to and now that I am there, I feel more peaceful within myself.

Today I realise that self-forgiveness has not been as easy and I still have some distance to travel to that destination.  I know the abuse and trauma is not my fault.  It is the years of self abuse, self loathing, self flagellation and self doubt that still lingers in my heart.  Still keeps me a victim to feelings of worthlessness.  Although my intellectual self 'knows' that I learned to treat myself that way over time, via poor examples being set, my heart cries out to me over all the times I started to love and value myself and slipped back into the old, self destructive patterns of inactivity, over eating, mindlessness and apathy.

Right now, I choose to forgive myself for all of the damage I have suffered at my own hands, just as I have forgiven others.  I choose to be kinder and try harder to not judge myself for the mistakes I have perceived myself to make and recognise my efforts today instead.  Because I forgive myself, I can now enter another level of peace and look forward to the miracles I am sure will abound in self love.

xxjxx

Look for blessings in everything

As I continue in my healing, I aspire to be positive.

Many years ago, I was consulting a wonderful chiropractor who eventually loaned me his copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin P Seligman.  I read it feverishly, hoping to find some way to gain this elusive thing called optimism as I had the distinct impression I was a pessimist and that seemed ghastly to me so I wanted to change, probably silently hoping that if I changed that, someone might like me.  I was a mess.

As I read this book, I marvelled at how anyone could be so positive.  I mean, I could not fathom at all, how it was possible to be as optimistic as the author seemed to be and I ended up more despairing than fulfilled.  I was completely at a loss to understand any concept of optimism back then and it would be about a decade before I began to understand it at all.

In 2004, I began attending workshops at my local women's health centre and I recall one woman who was very optimistic, silver lining to every cloud for her.  At the time, I unkindly judged her as weird and figured she must have never gone through anything difficult in her life and probably wouldn't understand 'how the other half lived'.  It turned out she had been through a lot and had 'learned' optimism herself.  I'm very grateful I met her as I soon found her rubbing off on me and I remember one day speaking to someone and thinking "I sound just like......, I hope I don't piss anyone off".

Over the years since then I have changed dramatically enough to now want to find blessings in everything.  Last year I had many experiences that left me feeling battered, afraid and sad but I was able to try to find the blessings and it has made me feel stronger, kinder and much more grateful.  I've been able to catch myself 'blaming' lots of times and instead ask myself "what would this be if there was no blame at all?  What am I learning from this and can I be at least grateful for the lesson?"

I've had some personal health challenges for a while and have lately been applying myself to that in this way too.  I recently started using my treadmill again and was bored after a week but I now want to love myself and my body enough to get moving and keep moving so I looked for the blessing - now I am (I feel) grateful for the chance and the choice to get moving.  I feel grateful that I have a treadmill.  I feel grateful that I've had another call to wake up.  I feel grateful for all the times before that I started and stopped as those times have each provided me with information that is helpful to me now.  I feel grateful that I can still move at all.  I feel grateful that I can still walk, breathe, feel and smile.  I feel grateful that I have an internal walking group.  I feel grateful for all of my old, daggy 80's music that walks with me.  I feel grateful that I can do it my way with help and support.  So now, I am really en-joy ing it, being in the joy of it and that's just because I decided to change my perception of it.

Can you look for blessings in the things you don't like so much?  I hope so.

xxjxx

Note to a friend

I have decided it is time to travel back to provide inspiration to my mother just before my birth this time.  I don't want to spoil any surprises or avenge anything.  I merely aim to write as if I am the voice of encouragement to a very young, frightened mother-to-be.

January 1969

Dear expectant mother of baby June

You don't know me and it may happen that you never do.  I am a very good friend of someone you are about to care very deeply for and I'd like to share some things with you to support you through the next chapter of your life.

This baby that you're about to have is incredible!  A strong, capable, intelligent and loving miracle.  Please remember that this baby is not 'yours' and is simply on loan from God to you to raise.  This baby has asked to be born into this world to know love - to be love, loved, loving and lovable.  God has deemed you to be the perfect mother to help this baby achieve her dream.  There is no expectation upon you to be anything other than who you are.  You are enough.

You will not find this easy, nor will the baby.  The two of you are on a long journey together and you will lead for many years as the baby grows and learns.  You will learn learn much from this baby about love and you will doubt yourself, despise yourself and criticise yourself many times in the coming years.  Hold fast.  This baby will help to heal your pain and will, in turn, bring fresh pain too.  This baby will never intentionally hurt you.  The pain this baby brings will be the pain that only love can bring and that only love can heal.

You can do this and you will have guides with you always.  You will not know them as guides but they will always be there and will assist in many ways as you raise this child.  God loves you as you are and trusts that you are just right for this assignment so remember: love this baby in whatever way you know how.  What will be will be and you cannot control any of it.

A friend xx

Birthday wishes for myself

This year, I will be 45. That's 315 in dog years!! Wow!!

Mr Google once informed me that every cell in my body is replaced every 7-10 years and I have not dreaded birthdays since!  Just to imagine that I am never older than 7 is fascinating to me and, I now look at each age very differently and creatively than I used to.

According to my creative calculations, that makes me 4 again this year if I count the years from conception up :-).  I like to look back for patterns, lessons learned and unlearned.  For example, the first time my cells had existed for 6 years (my 5th birthday), I started my education.  Then 7 years later, at 12, I entered secondary education.  7 more years later, at 19, I entered a relationship with my future husband which was also an education.  7 more years down the track (26), I entered adult education for the first time at TAFE. 7 years later, at 33, I began my healing journey which has been an incredible , necessary, life-changing education.  7 years after that at 42, I applied for the job I have now which has been and continues to be very educational. At each stage, I have learned some profoundly new and helpful things and recognised some patterns I had not previously learned from and was therefore continuing to repeat.  I can only imagine what 49 will bring, almost certainly, another year of learning in preparation for my future.

Right now though, I am getting ready to celebrate 45, (4 again) and I must say, my 4 year old self is quite excited at what plans I can come up with to celebrate my new 4th birthday.  Right now, the most obvious pattern I see is that 4, 11,18, 25, 31, 38 (the other times my cells were 4) were all hugely pivotal years for me so I imagine this year will be too.  Now I'm off to look for the pattern of what I still need to learn that I hadn't learned last time my body turned 4.

Happy birthday to me

xxjxx

Another new year

Hello 2014!!

I had a fabulous Christmas wih the people I love most in this world. Lots of hugs, kisses and relaxation.  I've had a few triggers and a few sadnesses and they have moved through me with ease as I have learned to allow that to happen.  No more trapped e-motions, let it go!  Life is so much fun without the baggage of yesteryear :-) 

I've decided that this year is the year I'm going to get a home of my own again.  I've devoted the past 10 years to rebuilding myself and my life and it's time now to put down roots again and honour myself with my own home.  I worked ferociously hard to own one before and I feel ready to do it again in a healthier, more balanced way this time.

I'm not looking for a 'dream' home with all the mod cons although I would like one with running water, electricity and maybe internet reception. I will be very happy to merely get approval for a home loan but of course, I need to apply for one first and therein lies the challenge -saving for a deposit.

I have owned 2 homes before and was scrupulous in paying the mortgage.  I know that once I have the loan, the rest is easy for me.  Saving has never been a strong point for me though and I will need to learn how to do it successfully.  Due to the high costs of real estate, I will need to save at least $30,000 and it will take time to do that.  It will take perseverance and I will need to really apply myself and go back to being frugal without being miserly.  I can do it, I just need to start.  I need to see a mortgage broker to assess my position and get information.  I've redone my budget so I know what I can save and I've worked out I can afford repayments on $200,000 which is just enough to buy a home in my area.  It doesn't matter if the place needs work, I just want my own home again and it's time now to make it happen.  

Wish me luck 

xxjxx