I had spent decades hating myself with a passion and when I was finally able to escape that prison, I then entered a new cell - blaming. I blamed others for teaching me how to hate myself and then I was able to transfer my hatred to them, but not for long. Once I became aware of the hate I carried, I wanted it gone. It did not feel natural to me and yet, I'd carried it for so long, it had actually taken on form in my brain as a habit. As I blamed, my brain would find any way it could to turn it all back around on me and find some reason to hate myself again, essentially making self-hatred the parent to my inner child.
It is only through a lot of practice, hard work, determination, self-love and courage that I am changing this now thoroughly. I WANT to change it and I am and in changing it, miracles are unfolding in my life every day. Not only have I been able to forgive the people and situations that I once blamed for my pain and suffering, I also now see that I gained my greatest learning from them. They have been my greatest teachers in this life and no matter how I look at it today, with so much love for myself, I can see those other people and situations with love too.
It feels so fabulous to be the me that I am right now. Even though I once hated myself so much I didn't even breathe in air fully, I still knew somewhere inside that I was the me I am now. I always felt like no one saw who I really was but it wasn't others who couldn't see the real me, it was me who was blind. I could only see what I wanted to see and I didn't want to see myself with love. I had been so terrified of my ego that I tried to not even exist lest my ego existed. In essence, I had unconsciously believed that: because I was human-I have an ego and - ego is bad so I was bad too -if I am bad, I have no right to exist.
It seems ludicrous to me looking at that written down which is why I have written it, to see the illusion of it. With so much focus given to thoughts on today's world, I am so glad to know that I am not my thoughts and I can choose which thoughts I want to have and which thoughts I want to change. I'm so grateful that I now have the opportunity to embrace my ego and learn to love myself as that - unconditionally too. I've known for a long time now that I want and need to love everything about myself to be who I know I truly am inside. On this journey from head to heart, if I don't love my ego too, with the same type and amount of love that I have for my beloved babies, my ego will rebel and push against me. That makes the power all my own.
My ego is not some external foe that I can reflect my self hatred onto. My ego is the human part of me that has worked tirelessly to keep me safe in whatever way it knows how; the greatest teacher I've ever known that has projected me onto the world so I can see and grow; the driving force behind all of my love, passion and convictions; the core of my integrity. My ego is me too and has facets that are intriguing, stimulating, ingenious and comforting. There is no fear in me right now when I think of my ego, there is love and the rememberance of identity - my own. That my friends is healing. That is self-love and self respect. I am me in any moment, free to be whoever I desire to be and right now, all I aspire to be is who I am - me.
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