Growing up again has been the most challenging, rewarding, extreme, affirming and breath-making thing I've ever done.  After 35 years of trauma and abuse, I almost died and then came the arduous task of rebuilding myself from the ground up.  One counsellor wonderfully gave me the description of it being like building a new house - it needs a firm and solid base in the foundations before anything else is added because without a strong foundation, anything above that level will eventually collapse again and need rebuilding.  I really do see myself that way and, although my family did as good a job as they were able to do, my original foundations were like quick sand.  This meant that even though I worked really hard to be who I wanted deep in my heart to be, I kept collapsing in on myself and then blaming myself because my walls fell down again.  Eventually even the foundation crumbled and I was laid so bare that there was virtually nothing left of me but terror.  

With everything having a positive and a negative, that terror was the catalyst for the most amazing level of courage I could have imagined.  Out of that terror, I began to rebuild.  I believed at the time that I had no further to fall, nothing else to lose and, like the song goes, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" (Kristofferson), I found a freedom in that loss that I had never previously experienced.  With nothing left to lose I suddenly had everything to gain.  My guard was down and I could finally let others in to help.  I did not understand at the time that all of this had begun in infancy but I soon learned.  

About 6 months later I bemoaned the fact that I felt like a newborn infant who didn't know anything but had one handicap - a knowledge of horrors I should have no knowledge of.  I felt vulnerable, helpless, useless and powerless but I also felt free and nothing was going to take that feeling away from me.  Over time I could feel the energy of my maturation, as it had felt when I first started school, secondary school, college and then uni.  I came to realise life is all those things and not just once either, that we can have lots of opportunities to re-sit the exams too, meaning there is no failure.  I allowed myself to find ways to experience all of the developmental stages of childhood as an adult and nurture myself through them with self re-patenting - recognising that only I can meet my needs now.  Some of those stages I had missed entirely the first time around.

It actually took me 12 years to reach the place inside myself where I felt truly at peace with who I saw myself to be when I realised there was another step to take, pre-birth.  I knew intuitively that until I allowed myself to fully experience my pre-birth energy, I would have undischarged rage silently simmering inside me creating dissonance in my being.  As always, the universe, God, I, brought together the perfect storm to set the stage for that to be accomplished.  Suddenly after years of safety a metaphorical critical and abusive mother and a metaphorical abandoning rejecting mother both appeared in my world and whammo!  I was reexperiencing the energy of a newborn infant all over again.  Using the incredible tools I'd learned over time and with great faith, I allowed all of the original feelings that I had not been able to accept in my infancy to surface.  

Over the next few months, I felt feelings I had never let myself feel before, particularly rage.  It was buried under torrents of other feelings and I learned to just allow them to rise up and have their time too.  For safety, I set boundaries around it all, isolating with a baby doll, journal, soft toys, coloured pencils and music for solace and time frames to observe so I didn't stay stuck inside myself.  I don't know if I'd recommend this process to anyone unless they had done masses and masses of inner work and like me, learned a huge range of incredible tools with extensive support along the way.  Re-experiencing the first moments of life in a trauma and abuse framework is not for the beginner.  I had to experience extreme states to navigate through such as psychosis, narcissism, terror, exhaustion, rage, insomnia, physical phenomenon, isolation, despair and hopelessness.  I thankfully had a loving friend and a husband who believed in me enough to understand my intent and support me when I needed support or I may not have made it through.  To have a loving mother energy and a loving father energy for that few months really helped me to learn what I needed to give myself and now I'm powering along.  

I am sure for myself that it is my faith that has brought me this far, to the point of re-creation.  I have experienced myself in ways I did not know life could offer now and I grow more grateful and appreciative of my entire life every minute, even the abuse.  I never dreamed in all my years that I would ever be able to say that but it's true for me now.  I feel thankful for every second of my life on this earth and I love and accept me exactly as I am right now.

At+Onement 

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