This week my mind has been particularly drawn to a moment in my past where the hatred I had for myself was so strong that I almost died. I had stopped smoking 9 months earlier and had changed my lifestyle further by eating much more healthily and exercising every day while working a 7 day/12hr roster and raising 2 kids. I was so exhausted that all of this took every bit of energy I had and there was no time or energy for things that brought me joy at all. At that time I did not know what I did or didn't like anyway so it may not have mattered if I had the energy or not but, it was certainly not healthy or helpful to live the way that I was living. Having been fixated on my weight and appearance for years, I suddenly began gaining weight. I got another round of cluster headaches and this time the dr gave me steroids for that so I gained 6 kilos in 1 week and freaked right out. The dr told me I could not stop taking them suddenly but had to 'wean' myself off them so I hated myself some more for listening to the dr in the first place and taking the pills when I knew in my heart they would not stop the pain. Over 12 weeks I gained 50 kgs!! Then one day I was more exhausted than ever and about 11am my feet were really hurting. It felt like every step I took was over broken glass and I was at work till 7pm so, I had a few harsh words with myself, undid my laces and pulled my feet up onto the cushioned tops of the boots and kept working. All day I scolded myself for being weak, a sook, useless, lazy and fat. When I got home, ready to make dinner, I suddenly found I just HAD to lay down on the couch. I fell onto it terrified that I would be in trouble for not being busy and figured that as it was only for a few minutes, I could make up the time if needed. I was mortified 15 minutes later when I tried to get up and found that I could not even raise my head, my muscles would not work. I burst into tears and collapsed back onto the pillow with guess what running through my head? More self criticism and self hatred.
I lay on that lounge for almost 2 whole days crying, only able to hobble to the toilet and back. My 8 year old daughter took care of me and her brother for the entire weekend and I felt so awful knowing my children were caring for me. I vowed to see a dr as soon as I could and get well. First thing Monday I went to the dr and they ran some tests, calling me back the very next day to tell me my thyroid was so overactive that I was dying and had to immediately see an endocrinologist and have nuclear tests done within the hour. That scared me, and my sister too as I had to call her to drive me. She's a nurse and when she saw me, she went white!! I was too miserable to do much more than cry and hate myself even more for being a burden on others.
I still have my thyroid intact to this day. It took a few months to get my health back and I still have annual tests to check on it but it's okay. With all of the growth I've been experiencing this past year, my thyroid is peaking a little but it's okay. The dr is not worried and neither am I. The weight stayed with me no matter what I tried and I eventually accepted that I just need to love that too. Of course I'd like to weigh 50kgs less, I love life and want to live a long time. I no longer have any hatred for my body because of its size though. I realised yesterday that my inner child has thought that being the size I am makes me Buddha-like so some of it may shift but I'm not going to attach any expectation to that.
I have eaten only fresh, healthy food for 6 months and am moving more and yet I've gained about 15 more kilos so it can hardly be my diet and exercise that is to blame. I also see a great dietician who is very impressed with my lifestyle. As my mind clears and my spirit soars, I know I will have whatever body is right for me and the one that I have now is it. I love my body, I'm caring for my body and I'm finally IN my body so I am feeling really content with me right now and I'm sincerely grateful to my body for all of the work it has done getting me to the age I'm now at with all the hate I shoveled into it and onto it over 46 years. Thank you body, you're Divine and I adore you.
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