I'm doin it

Yesterday I rediscovered my natural startle reflex.  I was having an Ignite Your Spirit healing at Shanti Mission and was feeling very relaxed, peaceful and calm when my hand suddenly and gently flicked out.  During the session, I observed it at least three more times and I immediately knew that the action resembled that of a newborn sleeping baby.  I smiled to myself in understanding and pride like a mother has for her newborn.  This rebirth I'm allowing for myself right now is amazing in that I am my parent, adult and infant child self all at once and, I'm aware of it constantly.  The newborn infant me is content to just be and sleeps peacefully at my breast as any infant would.  When her eyes open within me they are filled with wonder and not fear.  When I reach for her she longs to be held and to shine without needing to dim her natural light in any way at all.

I spent decades terrified of life and everything in it.  I was beaten, raped, bullied, mocked, screamed at, judged, ridiculed, and even spat on during the first 35 years of my life.  I thought I'd escaped abuse 12 years ago but learned again that it was still around and I changed some more.  I went through so much even in the past 3 years and then my eyesight began to fail too.  I needed glasses but specialists could find no reason for my quickening blindness.  I knew it was caused by my 'unseeing' perception so I changed more and bang!!! Abuse was back again.  This time though, I knew almost immediately it was a reflection from within.  This time, I stopped it dead in its tracks within and without.  Not only did I remove myself from the people who believed it was okay to abuse me, I also recognised I was still abusing myself and that the external situation was just a mirror for my own behaviour towards me.  I stopped abusing myself too and an amazing thing happened - I was transformed.  

The transformation has not been easy and at times I have really struggled to hold on but, it has been incredible even so.  I'm learning new tools to help me stay grounded and truly self-empowered so each day is easier.  My brain is onboard in fantastic ways like chanting mantras or prayers if I forget and get anxious, which is not often now.  Things that used to crush me quickly now elicit almost no reaction other than curiosity.  The great thing for me is that it's not happening in a dissociated way.  Now, I'm totally aware of myself and loving the learning of every experience.  I've been able to reflect on all of the trauma and abuse in my past and actually find positives in it, lessons, meanings and something to be grateful for.  I certainly never dreamed that was possible before!!! 

I'm excited to say that every now and then my eyesight clears and I can read small print without glasses again.  I know and believe I'm going to heal my eyes just as I have already healed cancer, cluster headaches, migraine, a broken back, arthritis, clinical depression, extreme dissociation and other debilitating issues in my body and mind before.  It may have taken me 47 years to surrender my ego to Love and I may not be done yet but boy I'm glad I am who I am.  I can now honestly say that I'm grateful for every, single moment of my life and all that it has taught me.  I'm grateful that my Soul is showing me how to be Love in truth.  I'm grateful that I'm alive and free.  I'm grateful that I'm no longer afraid of my own shadow.

Each day now I can see my life in slightly different ways and am beginning to take everything much less personally than I used to.  I see Gods hand in everything and know not to take offence.  It feels so much more liberating than the way my poor ego saw things.  Now I see past right and wrong, good and bad, us and them, me and you.  Now I'm coming into the Light of who I truly am and my infant self is the way for me.  Loving me as her is a joy and an honour and all of the old self-loathing is really gone.  The old 'stuff' I carried in my cells and my memories has been making its way to the surface for months in many ways, sometimes disturbing and confusing but also quite miraculously.  This cleaning has been so necessary and symbolic and I will do whatever it takes to see it through.  Living with only a small generator for power has also symbolically helped hugely - almost no power - as I learn the truth of power and how not to fear it anymore.  I know that every, single thing that does and doesn't feel good to me is helping me to grow now and I truly appreciate that help.  Life is not what I thought it was, life to me now is a joy and a miracle.  Pain really does contain blessings and once I began to love myself, I began to see that.  

Loving you was always easy for me and now, I can love me too.  Yesterday I realised that I've been expecting my infant self to hurry up and grow up again, fearful that I should be "doing", be taking more responsibility for..... [insert any judgment and 'should' you can think of here].  I realised I still need to change my perspective on responsibility too.  This process will take as long as it takes and I surrender to it fully and completely, however long it takes.  I trust me/mother/father/God/Divine/Universe/mySoul to hold and provide, to teach me how to do that more lovingly for myself.  This is the chance of a lifetime, the one trip that not everyone can go on and I'm on it.  What a true blessing.

May you be blessed in all ways today too.

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There's No Rush

Re-birthing is such a huge process and not the gentlest of experiences to allow.  I went through it 12 years ago and was incapacitated by it because I didn't know what it was at all or that it was possible.  I hurried myself through it as much as I could and pushed myself to grow up and be a 40-something adult.  I got everything out of that process that I possibly could at the time and with loving support and patient people to learn from, I did learn to be patient with and nurture myself.  Now I'm allowing the re-birthing again and this time it's with awareness.............cntd at...........https://www.facebook.com/RememberingUnity/posts/1054908761251824:0

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Shadow of Love

At some point in the evolution of who we are, we will each become aware of some facet of ourselves that we just don't want to acknowledge, accept, want, or be.  Our shadow holds just as many facets of us as our light.  We are afraid of our Light because deep down we know that as we embrace the Light of who we truly are, we must face our shadow too.  Our shadow contains all of the things about us that are not unconditional love, perhaps it is what really makes us human.  That shadow is filled with fear and reacts from fear even when we might consciously choose love.  The shadow is the part of ourselves who can be our greatest teacher AND ally if we can only learn to accept it and love it unconditionally too.

As we begin to acknowledge the shadow, we will feel the fear it embodies within us.  I'm sure I began to meet my shadow the moment I was born but have only recently begun to ..........Cnt'd at..........https://www.facebook.com/RememberingUnity/posts/1054298461312854:0

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But my soul still urges me forward

I was abused and traumatised for the first 35 years of my life........ But my Soul urged me forward.

I broke apart and almost didn't make it when my Nanna died..... 

But my Soul urged me forward.

I dissolved into a million pieces when I gave up my children....... But my Soul urged me forward.

I became a teenager for the first time at 36 and sought to defy the world.......

But my Soul urged me forward.

I held tightly to fear based, paranoia and conspiracy theories for as long as my ego demanded........

But my Soul urged me forward.

I blamed everything and everyone, including myself for my pain.....

But my Soul urged me forward.

I judged, feared, moaned, cried, wailed, sobbed, flailed and rejected everything life offered....

But my Soul urged me forward.

I swore to become the patron of inner children and serve with unconditional love in every moment.....

But my Soul still urged me forward.

I gave up almost everything I wanted for myself and walked willingly into a raging torrent of fire.......

But my Soul still urged me forward.

I surrendered electricity (power), tv (mind), community (roots), changed my diet (nourishment), living off grid with no walls......

But my Soul still urged me forward.

I took myself through the process of becoming a foetus again, feeling powerless to do anything but BE....

But my Soul still urged me forward.

I now breathe in the glory of life knowing that I'm creating the miracle of life just by breathing that very breath.....

But my Soul urges me forward.

The boundaries of my mind are falling away to reveal the mystery of conscious awareness .......

But my Soul urges me forward.

Im so grateful that my Soul has always urged me forward and never let me truly stay inert.

May your Soul always urge you forward.

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Terminator

Chop wood.  Carry water.

A couple of days ago I had a few hours where the pendulum swung back so hard I fell on my proverbial.  I had been feeling very blessed and enchanted with life, everything seemed to be going well and then suddenly it wasn't.  I soothed myself, detriggering to allow the feeling to flow; acknowledging where the energy was within me and what it needed to be released and I looked for the lesson.  I struggled a little but as I was driving my car, I had to focus on the road.  I decided to chant a mantra 'Om namo Narayani' and glanced up repeatedly (when safe) at my new handmade sun visor cover with pictures of Shakti Durga and my Inner Child on it.  The words came to me: "Chop Wood, Carry Water" and instantly I felt my mind relax.  I offered a prayer of thanks as I recognised this had been an opportunity to observe my own progress.  It's easy to feel good or to be patient when things seem to be going our way but what about when they're not?  This moment showed me that now, I AM able ...................Cnt'd at.................

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Coming back

For decades I thought of my life as some horrible holocaust I could never escape.  For the first 35 years of my life I somehow focused on trauma and abuse to the exclusion of all else.  I was so filled with fear that love was an illusion I could see within myself but no one else and, I had no idea at all how distorted my vision truly was.  Over time I mastered the art of becoming really small and shutting everything out in a tragic effort to feel safe.  I hated life but couldn't escape it no matter what I tried and I tried - boy did I try.  The more times I tried and failed, the angrier I got and the more my shadow grew.

One day my vision suddenly changed.  I'd been so sure that a holocaust was imminent in the world that I failed to see myself in it at all.  Although I always felt as if I didn't belong in this world, I never knew that I could change that in any kind of positive way.  I even taught my kids how to survive in a post-apocalyptic world without me.  Little did I know that I was preparing them for just that future but not for the destruction of the whole world, only the world we had created together in our hearts and homes as a family.  When I came to the point of surrender, no space within me had anything to grab hold of.  It was as if all of the horror and misery had prepared me to let go so fully and thoroughly.  Whatever I lost that day, I began to gain my Self.

Before then I'd had no sense of self at all.  I'd spent 35 years living for those I loved and knowing nothing about how to give even a minute of love to myself.  My love for others was all-consuming, even as a child, but I hated and loathed everything about myself.  My amazing ego did such a great job of keeping me in separateness and, I had no idea what was going on.  I was totally comfortable being seduced by my inferior ego, I didn't know any differently so I survived.  I would hardly say I thrived though.  

Once I threw myself off that huge, interior cliff into the blackest hole I've known, I found a tiny, minuscule light in the bottom.  It makes sense to me now that the cloying blackness of that hole, the pervading no-thingness of it is what made it at all possible for me to see the light.  I've been Light my whole existence, like I believe we all are, but my perception kept me so separate from the truth of who I am that I could only feel safe with the shadows by then.  Now that I know the brain works that way, I know how to change it but I didn't know back then.  All I knew is that I was done, I was tired, sore, weary, desolate, terrified and I wanted out.  I gave up and.....I gave in.  That was the turning point and it eventually saved and changed my life.

I've gone through that kind of deconstruction a few times now.  Each time I learn something completely different and now, unlike previous times, I've learned to love myself!  This time I can see those other times as training, practice to get me to here.  This time, as I learn to love and accept myself, all manner of miracles are appearing in my life, like rewards for all the hard work.  I remember last time i perceived miracles too but this time the miracles go beyond my egos comprehension at all and I feel so grateful.  Now I have found a sincere appreciation for every experience I've had, even the traumatic ones I once refused to forgive.  Now I'm finding peace, unity, love and myself.  Now I want to love till I burst, to serve and to share.  I want to be one with all of creation and be in the joy of life.  I want to BE, and I am.

The pain of yester-moment is all but gone.  Each day more pain calls in to say goodbye, each visit a welcome parting for me and I thank each pain for the lesson it taught me as I lovingly let it go.  Choosing to embrace the pain with love has been the most profoundly beautiful thing I've ever done.  Putting aside blame and fear and remembering that I deserve to be free from pain, asking my Soul for guidance, letting God, Divinity, Universal Love help instead of doing it all alone.  Opening up my heart to an unknown level of truly unconditional love, has made forgiveness easy now.  I not only forgive, I am grateful.  Words cannot describe what I'm gaining from all this but it's amazing and I'm free from those old illusions.  I'm not out the other side yet but there's no rush now, I'm where I need to be and it can take as long as it takes.  All I need right now is to revel in the glory of being exactly who I am right now.  There has never been a surer or more fulfilling goal.

May you feel free to just be yourself today and shine the light of who you truly are, even for a moment, just as I am choosing to do for me.

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Waterfalls

As the rain falls steadily outside my window, I release more of the pain that binds.  Weeks of steadily washing away unseen, internal wounds.  Allowing the energy of the pain to rise up through my cellular being and purge itself from me, purifying my heart more and promising eternal relief.  Prayers for ultra-violet cleansing being heard and answered brings solace and tears.  As within so without, raining in my heart, raining outside my window.  I've always loved rain as it speaks to me of a great cleansing and the promise of fresh, clean starts.  

The winds of change are blowing all around me too as the rain cleanses, so too do the winds whip up their frenzied excitement in the atmosphere.  Leaves and twigs dance a merry pas-de-deux across the landscape of my mind and of my lawn, sweeping away all heavy, turgid thought forms.  It is said that a change is as good as a holiday.  I welcome change, embrace it and invite it in.  Less to control is less energy wasted in vain.  I no longer need to control change for I am content to let life flow through me as it will now.

With no walls outside my bedroom, living off-grid in the rain is challenging but rewarding.  I could get upset or miserable about the things I don't have, like power or a fridge,  but I'm too busy feeling thankful for the things I do have like love, nature and a terrific husband.   Through my faith I have strength, courage, compassion, solidarity, community, light, learning, life and more.  I have choice.  My choice is to live, really live.  I choose to BE love and whatever purification I need to achieve that, I welcome.  I never thought anything I signed up for in life would be easy but I've always believed it would be worthwhile.  Whatever amazing opportunity this windy rain precedes will be sure to bring joy, intrigue or  innovation to my life and that's okay with me.

Let the waterfall of life wash over my weary ego and enable my Soul to dance, to wash away the grime of separation and flush out the fire within.  After 12 months, my immune system is recalibrated enough to be stable again and I can now feel the delight of having skin.  Now I can finally enjoy life as a present, in the present.  Time now, in this moment to enter a whole other dimension and let the waterfall wash over me there too in the land of Nod.  Goodnight.

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Riding the Waves

I could wax lyrical for days or weeks without pause about how hard my mind has perceived my life to be.  My dear throat chakra has done such a stupendously good job of getting me out from under the cloud and I truly appreciate the effort.  Through three decades of trauma and abuse, my throat took charge either silencing me when I felt unsafe to utter a sound, singing when I needed to rise up from my pain, speaking out when the situation allowed or, debating perceived injustices.  With the weight of a hundred thousand labels stuck tight to my being, I slowly suffocated and surrendered to the ineffable within that promised those labels could dissolve.  While I fought and despaired, barely treading the water at all, my throat captained the ship and kept me afloat.  A couple of times I hit icebergs and my thyroid cut a gash in the hull but, when I didn't die, I knew I had to move away from the rocks.  

Lessons, learning - I see more and more how every, single, delicious moment is a lesson, an opportunity for learning to love more and fear less.  I allowed terror to rule my life for so long because I believed I didn't know another way but it's not true.  I've always known love was the way for me.  Now that I can hear my own Soul, I remember 'knowing' even at the age of five that love was the only answer to every question anyone has.   As I gift my throat more ho'oponopono today and allow it to relax more into my being without depending on it to guide every moment, I feel the calmness of 'knowing' again - love really is the answer to every question I have.  

Yesterday I struggled to hold onto my newfound serenity.  Dozens of old pains surfaced and, as I allowed the grief to wash over me and flow through me, I managed to notice that I wasn't drowning.  I was one with the wave this time and, although I still kicked and spluttered a bit, a good friend and a little dog reminded me to keep my heart open.  They did not have to do anymore than be themselves and nor did I.  I saw with great clarity how the bands of steel I still have around my heart need to come off now.  Even with the very real threat of fresh heartache, I'm ready to remove those bands.  I came into this life to master my Self, the love of who I truly am and by all that I am, that is what I am doing.

I hope you have a tremendous day like I'm choosing to have.

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Burning up

Initially I stopped eating meat of any kind a few weeks before Christmas because my mouth was excruciatingly painful and I could not afford to visit the dentist more than once.  I asked my Inner Child what I needed to do and she told me straight out to stop eating meat.  As it was my molars most affected, it made sense and I stopped that day with the pain subsiding drastically over the next two weeks.  Stunned, I researched it and worked out how I could safely adapt my lifestyle to vegetarian.  Over the Christmas break, I went interstate to see my beloved children and grandchildren and made the choice to eat anything while I was away as Christmas in the country would be almost impossible without meat.  For the next 10 days I ate whatever I felt like and my mouth got more and more sore each day.  By the end of the year I knew I had a permanent choice to make so I went ahead and made meat-free eating my New Years resolution.   I have not eaten any kind of meat since December 31 and I don't miss it at all.  My mouth settled down again quickly and I began adding oil-pulling to my morning routine to further support my mouth in healing.  So far not bad.  

The next thing to go was animal protein, I decided to adopt a vegan  dietary choice.  I had been having symptoms of ill health since a workplace trauma in June of last year and had been researching how to relieve the symptoms.  I got married in July, I left the unhealthy work environment and stopped smoking cigarettes in August, and by September there were all of these strange symptoms to deal with.  My immune system went completely haywire, my emotions went ballistic, I succumbed to flu for the first time ever, I was completely exhausted ALL the time and could only sleep for about an hour at a time, I was weepy, I gained 14 kg in a couple of months, I isolated and I began burning up inside.  Combined with amenorrhea, I thought I was menopausal but maybe not?  I trawled the Internet looking for anything that might help me make sense of this mystery and I found Kundalini.  Suddenly my whole life made sense and so did my mystery illnesses.  I discovered that a much revered teacher named Yogi Bhajan had suggested a vegan diet to support the rising Shakti in awakening so I decided to give it a go.  I figured that if I was right and this Kundalini was awakening within me, I wanted to do whatever I could to ease its passage and I certainly did not want to hold it up and prolong my suffering.  I had huge, itchy hives I could not otherwise explain and it drove me nuts for months.

I stopped my antidepressants as I figured my dr had wanted me to go off them for about 4 years and I resisted because I was doing better than ever.  Now I was having all the mental health symptoms I'd had pre-medication so what was the point of taking the meds anymore.  I'd worked tirelessly for 12 years learning to support myself in a psychologically healthy way so I felt confident I could manage.  I kept a few doses in case I was wrong and needed to take them again.  I researched protein, calcium and vitamin requirements and prepared myself, I was not looking forward to giving up cheese.  The other foods were simple but I really loved cheese.  I stopped having coffee at the same time and, once I cut out all animal proteins, my mouth let me know that all sweeteners had to go too, not just the unnatural or processed ones, all sweeteners.

All of this happened within weeks.  The real challenge lay in not having a fridge, a freezer, or an income.  My stove is a barbecue so I had to get very creative.  At first I just stocked up on tinned vegetables but soon became sickened by the salt and sugar in them all.  I began to plan a vegetable garden and kept trying to come up with creative recipes that did not need to be kept in a fridge.  We then got a tiny, gas fridge which lasted about 3 months before it packed it in.  By then, we had a tiny income again, enough to buy a little fresh produce each week.  My husband dislikes vegetables intensely so it has all been interesting and he has been as super-supportive as always.  

The best part of all this was that it worked.  After a bit more online research, I began attending healing meditations at Shanti Mission twice a week as well as Satsang.  I attend their healing clinic each week for Ignite Your Spirit therapy and I began learning how to do it for myself.  I also raised my vibration further with daily meditations at home 5x p/wk.  After about 6 months, all of the symptoms slowly subsided and the itching stopped, the internal heat that kept skyrocketing through my body cooled down and my temperature and emotions returned to normal - until last weekend.  I decide to have a vegetarian weekend and I ate cheese.  Not just once but 5 times over 4 days!! Now I'm remembering why it cannot happen again.  My immune system has enough to deal with in negotiating the Kundalini energy and I need to have compassion for my body through this.  My blood tests are showing the healthiest levels I've seen ever in my life and today the heat is surging again, threatening like feelings of spontaneous internal combustion.  For my sanity I cannot consume animal proteins, caffeine, sweeteners, or any other nervous system stimulants.  My body is counting on me and I'm not going to let it down.  I owe it to myself to respect my body's needs and this has been such a powerful reminder of that.  I'm so grateful to my body and my self and now I'm off to chant a mantra, breathe deeply and mindfully, 'earth' myself and 'ground' into the moment again while I ho'oponopono myself, my past selves and my sympathetic nervous system.  This body is doing a fantastic job of helping me to survive and thrive and I'm gunna show my appreciation.

During all this my senses have become so acute that life blisses me out with every meal and every sunset.  My moods and emotions are more stable now than at any other time in my life.  Joy is a regular companion of mine now and my mind has received a peace-boost of epic proportions.  The gratitude I feel for my entire life and all of my experiences is profound and deep and the sensation of being able to be present in my own skin is sometimes indescribably amazing.    My dietician, psychologist and dr are more than happy with my health and so am I.  I cry a lot of happy tears and feel an incredible amount of love for all creation.  This is the state of being I had worked so hard to attain.  I'm here now and I can relax, just breathe and be myself.  There is still old toxins rising for release but each day is easier than the last and I'm okay.  This life truly is a miracle that I'm glad to be part of.

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Just hatched

Every day is a miracle to me but it's not always easy to remember that.  Life is filled with moments that I have historically seen as testing, difficult, hard, horrible and even traumatic.  The more I grow in love, the more I'm realising that only my perception of those things, my own judgments needs to change.  Each moment of my life truly is miraculous but because it's only really been in the last year that I've come to appreciate this awareness, I still find myself in moments where I judge life as being mundane or painful.  Being someone who once saw life as a punishment and as a nuisance that kept me from the joy of dying, I still find this more positive 'me' intriguing at times.  My ego is very happy to remind me that life has not been bliss for very long.  Having now crossed the bridge of love and light to meet my Soul self and bring it home through the womb of creation within me, I am on a journey now of integration and acceptance.  Birthing my Soul self has made me much more aware of and appreciative of who I have believed myself to be before now.  Getting to know, love, trust and accept myself exactly as I am in each moment has been the most liberating, terrifying, astounding, confusing and rewarding thing I've experienced.

There have been days when I was sure I was crazy with fear and confusion I needed to be locked up, my ego panicking over giving up control.  There have been days where my body reacted in ways that terrified, irritated and hurt me as the old, long-held and deeply-buried toxicity left my being.  There were times when all I could do was rest and pray that I would be okay again one day.  There were days when I screamed, raged, sobbed, ached, cried, ran away and hid.  During all of those moments I chose to love myself more and not less.  It wasn't some easy, uneventful class I attended, I studied mindfully for 12 years to get to this and I'm sure the preceding 35 years were study of their own accord too.  Life has been my classroom and I recognise now that I have been a diligent student all along.  Those days that tested my endurance and resolve, they were my crucibles, those moments where I got evidence of my own capability, my own ability.  Those days are fading to memories and now, when the winds of change blow through my ego and invite my Soul to settle more snugly into my being, my ego bucks and my Soul comforts.  The marriage of heaven and earth within me cannot be stopped, postponed, deferred or cancelled now.  

This is a phase I'm going through, just another stage of development and it will have its aches, pains, heartaches and lessons just like any other stage of growth.  Wonderfully, all phases have the same stages to accept and the first stage is 'symbiosis' which is where I'm at with my Soul and my ego right now.  Slowly and patiently I am entering the next stage and that too will bring change which I know I'm more than ready for.  Today it's so much easier to turn my thoughts around, stay in 'wise mind' observing my thoughts, and allowing my feelings to rise up, flow through me and restore calm, all in a matter of moments.  With my senses finally working to show me the exquisite and majestic beauty of this tapestry called life, everything in my perception is different: the sunsets are incredible, the birds and animals all come within inches of me daily, synchronicities are normal and obvious in my life, love fills my heart to overflowing at the smallest provocation, and old miseries that my ego once refused to forgive are being re-framed now as gifts for my soul to embrace with wisdom and even more love.  Perceived abuses and traumas from the past are now becoming springboards for empathy, compassion, wisdom, love, excitement, liberation and contentment.  

Bliss is my birthright and I have staked my claim. No, every day is not a bed of roses and I have felt miserably alone and even suicidal at times as the old patterning and conditioning made its way up and out of me but my faith kept me going.  My obstinate and stubborn refusal to give up on what I call God is pulling me through with Grace into the Light of who I truly am and as the shadows have made themselves known to me I have loved them, thanked them, forgiven them and let them go.  In learning to love every part of what has made me 'me', I can accept now what my ego once could not and let go of the need to be perfectly anything.  Now that I can even love ego and not expect it to change, its beginning to work with me too and my Soul-self claps with delight at that.  My Inner Child is blissfully happy being an innocent newborn with no expectation of her to grow up or calm down or anything else.  She gets to be an infant and I can take care of life while she helps me to feel, have fun and find joy in life.  My soul self nurtures and guides me and I get to learn and apply the learning so all round, all parts of me are happy and fulfilled in this moment.  Ooh, gotta run, there's another of those 'other' moments I need to go and deal with.

Hope you have a fulfilling day, that's what I'm choosing to have today.

RememberingUnity

fb.me/RememberingUnity

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