I never thought I would be able to feel as grateful for my life as I do now. This past 18 months has blown me open in a way I still struggle to describe and it does still sometimes seem unreal. Just when it feels like I'm at peace again, another bubble of un-peace rises up and I'm bobbing in the deep again. At least now I don't go under, I just sputter and flail a bit until I remember it's not real anyway. These illusions of pain are intriguing to me now, almost like watching a small child play. I've had a pain in my body this week and am simply allowing it to be while I observe it from different directions. Each time I focus attention on it, it disappears. I learned I could do that about three years ago and it's been very empowering. For years I tried to avoid and ignore pain and, just like a small child that is ignored, it clamoured for my attention. Now I pay attention straight away and it just stops still when I do.
Ego IS a small child. Like many people, I was once not very patient or adept with children. It was my own children that taught me patience, love, determination, devotion, and so much more. Through what I learned from them, I have been able to also learn to re-parent myself - in particular - my ego. Attending to thoughts and feelings the same way as attending to a small child; getting to know the whole group of personality traits and acknowledge the pain without becoming it; building neural pathways for empathy and compassion towards myself - those things have been the most helpful. Learning to recognise that whatever is within is also without has been so very useful and amazingly helpful. Although it took me about 5 years to really embrace and it's still a work in progress, it has made everything so much more real and simple.
I was a group facilitator and came to see how much the tools that support a group can be applied within to thoughts and feelings too. On the flip side, as I learned what worked within, I tried and found it could be applied without with equal success. Inside I'm just a collection, a group trying to cohere, ego trying to grow up and outside, I see the reflections of my own perceptions in others. I can use that to help myself or I can choose to react and feel hurt by 'them'. Staying victim to my thoughts and feelings does not empower me, it hurts me more. While I do need to empathise, attend and explore what is happening for me, I do not need to become that child. I need to stay detached enough that I can help that child within me instead.
In learning how to love that collection that is me, no matter what, I have transformed who I was before and am now 'parked' in love more often. I've been able to re-examine every moment of my life so far and find something and someone to thank and be grateful for and it's a wonderful and empowering feeling. I never knew forgiveness had so many levels and layers, nor did I know how truly miraculous it could be until I found it within myself.
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