One of the most liberating parts of the process I've been going through this past two years is to be freed from paranoia and conspiracy theories. I used to be so sure of my fears and now I'm so sure they are just fear - illusions my ego used to keep me away from my heart and soul. I love my ego, so creative and strong, so helpful and caring. I don't need those fears anymore though. I've made it to the other side of myself just enough to see the reality of Love and it feels so much better.
It has not been easy to get to this. I was extremely paranoid and fearful for a very long time. It seemed as if I broke through one fear only to find another and another and another fear waiting for me as I journeyed. My biggest fear then was spiders and I'm unsurprised by that now as it turns out that I was more afraid of the 'web of life' than anything else. More afraid of creation, the creator, me the creator, than any other fear I had. Those spiders represented to me all the things about myself that I forced to skulk about in the shadows, refusing to acknowledge, accept or trust. As I've learned to love myself unconditionally, my phobia has eased considerably and I now want to make peace with spiders when I'm ready. I'm not pushing. I'm grateful for the thousands of different things spiders have helped me to overcome, fears that I was once unaware of - particularly fear of life itself; fear of me creating life for me.
I used to be so sure that everything around me was some conspiracy created by someone else to keep me entrapped and enslaved like in the movies: The Island, Gattica, The Truman Show and others but now that I see everything with eyes of Love, I know I was off the mark. I had questioned myself for a few years before I shook it off completely and saw it as the fear that I had created in myself. I'm not the person I once was although at the same time I am the same person I've always been. My dear ego once again took a hit from life of gargantuan proportions which knocked me clear into eternity again and, although I struggled, I didn't go under this time. I stayed afloat enough to tread water and grab a lifeline within myself. I didn't forget this time that I'm okay. I knew that this time I would make it and I have. While trauma and abuse are horrendous experiences that I myself would prefer not to have anymore if, I've learned masses from my last traumatic experience of verbal and psychological abuse that has propelled me into an amazing place within myself. As much as my dear ego would love for me to go back and be who I was before, I know I am not going to. As always when it's time to surrender and let go, I know I must and I have nurtured myself to there so now there's only the ache of the bruises from landing to massage. The fears and conspiracies I once believed in so soundly now lie in a distant, fearful and youthful past that seems very poignant, bittersweet, and now far away. Unconditional Love shows me a much brighter and more positive picture. Those old fears and conspiracies were merely metaphors that were trying to portray the battle that my ego was waging to stop me finding my soul and my own power. I believed it all for so long but the only thing trying to keep me enslaved was my own fears, those illusions that I wanted to hold onto so I could believe what I wanted to and never know my own truth.
I know from neuroscience that the brain is negatively geared, that blame is the set-point for being human. This means that negative thoughts, emotions and belief are the strongest and easiest to have and that there must be something to blame. What I know from Transactional Analysis is that this is just the ego. The child inside needs parenting, just like all children do and, that parenting needs to be firm and nurturing but we don't all have an immediate ability to do it without help. I've learned and I'm doing it. My Inner Child now has the most amazing parent with all that I need to Love me unconditionally into eternity and I will spend my life supporting others to learn how too.
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