Angels

The first time I remember talking to God, The Divine, The Universe, My Highest Self, in some form, I was 5 years old.  I get the sense there were times before that but I remember this one clearly.  I lived in a caravan (trailer) park with my mother, brother and sister.  There was a small lake there where I used to go and lay next to, in the dirt, and gaze up at the sky in wonder.  That place beside the lake was where the whole world dropped away for me and I connected with my spirit in unity.  In that place, time stood still, I was one with all and I heard the stillness of existence.  I was 'at home' and I knew it.

Even at 5 I felt sad, miserable and bereft, grieving the loss of my Dad who had vanished into the obscurity of my parents marriage breaking down irretrievably.  It would be almost 1/2 a century before I understood the spiritual reason for why I went through this tragedy.  Shortly after losing my relationship with my beloved Daddy, my mother sent me to church and I heard about a new father that would never leave me.  That was a miracle to my tiny heart and I embraced it with all that I had.  I learned that this new father of mine was everywhere and so I chose my spot by the lake to commune.  I spent many hours by that lake talking to my 'heavenly father' and gained much  from His responses.

I did not live in that park very long and over the years, I was forbidden to 'daydream'.  Eventually in 1998, I lost my connection with so much of life and myself that I reached a point of complete disengagement with myself and that's when I became suicidal.  In that darkness, I had to wake up or die and I know I had help.  In the complete blackness of despair I saw a tiny, tiny spark of light inside myself.  I was too distraught and hope-less to take much notice in the moment but it was there and it began to unfreeze the glacier that I'd become.  For the first time since I was 5 years old, I gave myself permission to actually be a child and I roared out my pain, grief and sadness along with my anger and fear.  It was the single most cathartic thing I've ever done, even now.  It hurt so much and yet it saved my life and my sanity.  Even now, if I begin to feel low I am reminded almost immediately of the healing that took place in that moment and then I have an idea of what to do next - stop and feel.

All of my life I have been surrounded by Angels and I didn't know it but I do know it now.  Waking up to that knowledge has been incredible and amazing.  My daily prayer for the past 5 years was for 100,000 Angels to be by my side and surround my place of work, my friends, my tribe.  I knew they were with me and I saw them in every person and every situation.  Then suddenly it was time to wake up more and it all disappeared leaving me shocked and stunned until I realised I just needed to stop and feel again, I'd been through this before metaphorically and I would be okay.  And so it is, I AM okay.  These tragedies in my life don't happen TO me, they happen FOR me and now I see the gift in each trauma, I no longer need to hold on or blame.  With Angels everywhere I look, the world is astoundingly beautiful and so is life.

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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