Today I am embarking on an exciting new challenge: The Love Yourself More - 7 Day Challenge to Awaken Heart and Self Connection with www.IAMIAM.com.au I'm really feeling good about this. I signed up last week and have been aware of the energy of welcoming it in to my awareness ever since. Yesterday I recalled the breast reduction I had at age 18. My body developed as early as the rest of me and by age 14 I resembled the famous Dolly Parton. Sadly I was ashamed of that and also terrified. I wanted those giant orbs gone and fast. I wailed to the doctor for over two years about how they were destroying my life and my health and how I wanted a breast reduction, then when I was 16, the doctor suggested a reduction to me - finally! But I had a boyfriend then so I wasn't sure. Cluster headaches helped me to make up my mind and at the ripe old age of 18 years and 6 weeks, I had 1 pound of flesh removed from each side of my chest. That's 1/2 kilo each, the equivalent of two tubs of margarine. I was ecstatic. I finally felt beautiful. I finally felt like people could see me, my face, my personality, not just a big set of boobs. What I didn't know though was how much I hated myself, how much I could and would learn to love in time, regardless of my looks.
I had 3 wonderful years without those huge things weighing on my shoulders, pulling my bra straps down into painful grooves. I blamed the boobs and not the bra, learned-blame from somewhere. After 3 years, I had my son and within three days of his birth I awoke, devastated to find that my chest had suddenly expanded to its old pre-surgery size!!! I cried for hours over it. It took many months for the swelling to go down and three years later, when my daughter was born, I was ready for it to happen again. It was another 12 years after the surgery that they grew back more permanently. My thyroid became overactive and tricked itself into shutting down in 2001 and I gained 50kgs of weight in 3 months. After being obsessed with my weight and looks since I had the surgery, this was mortifying for me and I truly hated myself for it. I feel sad now that my default set-point always seemed to be self-hatred and self-blame but I also feel glad that I now recognise it and have changed it. When I gained 50kgs, the boobs came back and I've had them ever since. In late 2006 I recognised how self-hatred had been the real reason for me to mutilate my body with the surgery. Once I had that realisation, I was able to finally let it go and make peace with it. I don't believe now that the surgery was a bad or good thing to do, it was just part of my life and had to happen as it did. I have learned so much from it and yesterday it came to my mind again. I was able to joke about the blessing of having big boobs: I have a built-in coffee table no matter where I go😂. While supporting others with unconditional love in peace, I was able to fully appreciate the gifts I carry as part of my amazing body. I was singing Gods praises all day with Pachelbel's Canon and it felt amazing.
Today as I point my attention to 50 things I love about myself, I'm adding my boobs to my list. God gave them to me for a reason and I'm proud of em now. They protect my heart and lungs, keep me warm, surround my huge heart very comfortingly, and create awesomely squishy hugs. I also can go into water without sinking and have my own built-in air bags if I need them. I have had Nanna-boobs most of my life and I'm okay with that. So now I'm off now to write them in my list with 49 other things I love about myself.
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