Today as I wrote in my journal, I thanked myself for getting to today and not giving up.  As I wrote it, I felt doubt and shame because at the ages of 10, 27 and 35, I attempted suicide multiple times and I've always judged myself as having given up.  As I sat with those feelings, this is what I wrote:  

perhaps those were moments where some part of me gave up and another part was created to get me closer to now?  If D.I.D is such an amazing survival strategy to me, how can I not be grateful for the suicide attempts too?  Those attempts ultimately saved me from myself.  If I am honest with myself now, perhaps the attempts were non-lethal anyway?  Considering how much effort I usually put into things, I did not, in hindsight, put as much effort into trying to kill myself as I do into other things.  When I stopped smoking, I practiced, I researched and I got help.  I did everything I could think of to ensure my success.  When I changed to Veganism, the same thing - I researched, I practiced being vegetarian one day a week for 5 years and I have help in the form of friends and a great dietician.  In my faith, I have stretched myself so far that I have let go of everything I used to be through research, practice and support.  When I tried to kill myself though, I did no research to try to find the most effective methods.  I didn't look for other suicidal people to support my death wish.  I did not 'practice' to see what worked for me.  No, I just made the attempts  and then hated myself for surviving because I did not understand then that surviving is my forte.  I survive.  I have survived so much in this life that it is the thing I am most skilled at.  I have survived so many different types and levels of things that I can only wonder in awe at myself today.  I have survived sexual, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, educational and medical traumas (including cancer, accidental electrocution and a fatal car crash);  domestic violence, drug and alcohol misuse, self mutilation, bullying, incest,  governmental abuse, isolation, persecution, shaming, humiliation, degradation and more at the hands of others and from myself. I have survived chronic pain, disabilities and cluster headaches and I survived giving up my incredible children in the midst of my pain.

I suspect that those suicide attempts were, as I have thought previously, messages from my Soul to wake up before it was too late.  Messages to save me and not to destroy me.  Those suicide attempts not only saved my life, they changed my life in the most astounding ways possible.  Yes it wreaked havoc, turned my world inside-out and upside-down but my life is now amazingly simple and peaceful, filled with love and daily miracles so I think today, on my beautiful husbands birthday, I will forgive myself for suicidal behaviours in the distant past and love myself for having the courage that brought me through it instead.

At+Onement 

#love #light #innerchild #soul #angels #mindfulness #gratitude #healing #trauma #depression #selflove #inspiration #quote #inspiringquotes #spirit #ascension #awakening #raiseyourvibtation #spiritualhealing #suicideprevention

#dissociation #did